So Long You Pretty Thing - Comments

Chapter 4: Surprise

I am still not crazy about Clair but I can see where she's coming from, at least a little.

Things just got weirder, and while it's intriguing, I still find it a bit rushed. Again, that's just me. I am curious what the thing was, and why it's in her apartment...

The chase scene is pretty good, it captures the anticipation and fear. And the second creature, along with the first, sounds positively grotesque in appearance. Eek.

I'd be pissed too if some demons and Liam had destroyed my house... lol.

Chapter 3: Curiosity

The corporation her boyfriend works for sounds scary. That description, sucking the soul out of almost everything it touched, made me smile. Good one!!

Oh yikes, is his cooking that bad? If I were her, I may be afraid to eat it.

The first few chapters were a little slow, but this was a turning point. I feel so badly for Adam, but if she doesn't want to marry him then she should stick by her initial answer. I can see now how marriage may not be something she wants, since her parents' marriage ended so badly.

Good update, if a little rushed. Still, good.

Chapter 2: Coffee

From his brief introduction to this new chapter, I feel like something is missing. Who is Liam? Where does he come from? And why has he been appearing every day at the same time?

Well, talk about a judgmental Clair. First asking if Liam knew how bad the cigarette was for him, with a disgusted expression, and then saying one should only smoke if one is immortal. I mean, if this works for the picture of Clair in your mind, that's cool. I am just not really one for such characters, only in certain circumstances.

Their conversation seems rather forced, with no real emotion behind it. They've known each other a week and already they appear to be like old friends... To me, this seems unrealistic, but that's probably because they're not really introduced properly... I don't know what it is.

I hope to get to know them better in the next chapter.

Chapter 1: The New Guy

My first impression of Clair is that she is stuck up, a character who thinks she's by far superior to everyone. Confidence in leading females is good, but there's confidence and then there is arrogance snobbiness. After all, she goes against her "better judgment" and looks up to see why the office went silent...

She's thinking of ending her relationship... This intrigues me but leaves me hanging and, as I think of it, not so much in a good way. I hope I am wrong.

Her abrupt assumption that the new guy is simply going to try and hit on her definitely has an air of snobbiness to it. I think if I were Liam, at her words, I'd shake my head and walk away instead.

Clair's job description and about her family feels misplaced where it's at. I feel like it should be up near the beginning more, but that's just me... And everyone has a different writing style.

Well that piqued my interest: Liam shivering when Clair asked if he knew Raphael, and him saying, "A little too well." I am curious to know where that will lead.

Hmm, is Liam suddenly able to make himself invisible? There one minute, gone the next?

This is interesting and different, good job.

Prologue

This is an interesting beginning, opening with a biblical passage. It holds promise. I assume, anyway, that it's going to be explained somewhere in the coming chapters...

Brought here from Comment Swap:
I read chapters one through five because I've always been interested on biblical twists in stories. I have to say the first chapter pulled be in, it was creative of you to use a bible verse. after that it kind of dwindles down and I lost focus in the story a few times. I had to go back and reread things because I found my attention drifting to other places. In chapter five though I noticed you have a problem bracket for your italics, making everything in the chapter italic. You might want to fix that. Also College is spelt Collage, it also should be fixed. Other than that everything else seemed fine. I want to keep reading because I'm really freaking curious what happens and how you continue this story.

Coming at you from comment swap!

I only read the prologue and the first chapter.

I don't like Clair. She doesn't particularly interest me, but her telling Lia off under the assumption he is going to try a pick up line, humours me.

Another thing I'm not to fond of, is skipping an entire week with only a sentence. I realise that not much probably happened there, but they got to know each other "rather well", so I feel like it would be important to know it a little bet. It would make the transition a lot easier.

Other than that, I don't have much to complain about. I like the plot, and the characters are quite interesting, but I think you should work just a little bit more on this. Keep up the good work!

I like the approach so far, but I find the chemistry between the characters a little lacking perhaps but that is my personal opinion over all I like the story idea its different and different on mibba is good. Keep up the good work, and clear straightforward style :)

Just same as another comments. I would say your story is really different, the plot, the beginning. And yeah.. Of course I do like the difference.
I just read the first two chapters and I like Liam's character a lot.
I'll probably read another chapter tomorrow. I will :)
Keep update, this is such a great story. Good luck with this one anyway :)

Beginning a story always sucks for me because I can never decide how I want to do it. Dialogue? Description? Middle of the action? So when I saw the first "chapter" was a bible verse I immediately thought, "that girl knows how to catch people's attention." After the first chapter I felt as if everything happened all at one. Bing, bang, boom. Sometimes developing a character can be a real pain in the ass and you want to get it over with right away but I always think of it like I wouldn't want someone to walk around with me saying, "This is Haley. She is sarcastic and cynical and her family is crazy. When she was three her dog bit her in the face and that's why she has that scar on her lip. She doesn't have very many friends and she spends most of her nights alone reading fan fiction." I would want the people I meet to just gradually and naturally figure out who I was and I think that may help make your character more relatable. The plot line is different and intriguing and a huge challenge so good luck and good start!

Comment swap sent me here;;
To start out, the plot of this story is different, and I like different. I haven't read a story like this yet and I'm glad comment swap matched me with your story.

I like how you started out with a bible verse. I thought that was a neat way to begin this story.

And then as I got into chapters two and three, I fell in love. You use great detail and description, which I love. Keep up the amazing work and I know this story will go far. :)

I really like the main idea for this story. It's different and interesting.
You're also a good writer and the chapters flow nicely.
I also really liked those pick up lines in the second chapter. They made me smile.
please keep up the good work!! :D

=]

I was sent to this story yet again, and I was sorta hoping there would be another chapter for me to read, but as it is there wasn't something new. Anyway, the same thing I said in my other comments before still hold true.

This is an amazing idea! However, I feel that you are rushing everything. Instead, take a breath and start writing a bit more detail in. It's a hard habit to get into, but once you start you can't stop. I know, it took me a while to get into the habit. You have a nice writing style, the words really flow. In fact, I loved when Clair and Liam met, but after that, it picked up a little too fast for me. You're a good writer, and you seem to have every potential to be great. Keep writing and remember to focus on detail. I'd love to see this story in Barnes&Nobles one day!

Okay, it took me a while to start reading this as I've been busy with my own writing and hardly ever stop...but I will say I was disappointed when I got to the end!

Firstly, the red background is blinding! I had to switch to the default layout to concentrate on the words, and my eyes are not the best in the world as it is. Anyway, that was my only real bug-a-boo. Well, that and the fact that I feel rushed through the first chapter. I feel that "Over the next week" should have been Chapter 2. And details make all the difference to me, because it makes everything come to life. And in a story like this, you definitely want it to come to life.

But I do think you're on the right path with this story, and with a little editing, it will be phenomenal.

I'm not one to particularly care for Bible quotes in an original fiction, but how you formed that quote to be your prologue worked with your story far too well.
I do believe you could've worked out the transition between Chapter 1 and 2 a bit better. "Over the next week..." is the key area I'm addressing. Ordinarily, I would say to put everything after that little quote in Chapter 2, BUT the second chapter seems like it should be more a part of Chapter 1 than be it's own chapter altogether. Just how I feel, just a suggestion.
The story does seem a tad bit rushed - it's more of just a quick-tell of what's happening. Add a few details here and there on things - pizazz your story - and it will not only be longer, but not nearly seeming as rushed.
This is definitely a story I'm subscribing to, however, because it seems to interesting to pass up. Just remember - don't rush your story, stop to define some things, and you'll have a fine story ahead of you.

I like how you have the prologue as a quote from the Bible itself; I can honestly say I have never actually read the Bible , but it's definitely an interesting and engaging way to start off the story. I think you have an interesting concept going here, but I think right now the way you've written the story doesn't do it justice. Instead of describing what is happening in the story, you seem to be telling which makes it feel a bit rushed to me. I feel like the first chapter could have been dragged out a bit more to show more development in the characters. Especially towards the end when you started to talk about how Clair and Liam fell into a pattern it felt like you could have started the second chapter with "Over the next week..." and then described that pattern more. That would help make their relationship seem more developed and realistic.

Overall I really do think you have a nice story and plot going on here. My suggestion would be to not rush the developments to get into the action because the development of your characters is equally as important as the action! You've done a nice job with this story so far so keep up the hard work! This definitely has potential to be a great story :)

As far as archangel/demon stories I've ever read, this one is probably one of the more interesting of them. I loved how the prologue was a quote from the Book of Revelations, especially since only recently I had read parts of it for school.

Clair's character is really... cute? XD I don't know how else to put it. She just reminds me a bit of a younger kid, much younger than her actual age. It goes well with how serious Liam seems to be.

I cannot wait to see where you take this! Good job so far :)

Very interesting. As a Christian myself, I like that this story is related to Biblical references, though unless this story is about the end times, it's definitely inaccurate. However, it's just a story so I don't see why that would matter at all!

I like the main character, but the narration doesn't sound like it's done by her, if that makes sense. It sounds like, rather than us getting Clair's view, we're getting someoen watching it telling us, someone who is different from Clair. If that's your aim, good job, but if not you might want to give it more of her voice.

Over all, great job!

Comment swap brought me here and I'm glad it did!
I really like your style of story, and think it's an very interesting plot. You have great word flow and the first chapter with the bible vers is amazing, good idea! Hope you update soon, and keep up the good work!