So Long You Pretty Thing - Comments

This story isn't bad, but it definitely needs some work. I was kinda disappointed because there aren't a lot of religious stories on this Web site, especially not ones that quote the Bible. There were, as said before, some grammatical errors, such as capitalizing "Bible" (because it's the holy book of the Christian faith) and writing "eachother" instead of "each other". There wasn't a lot of detail. Describing Liam as a "handsome man" isn't enough. You have to really go into detail about what makes him a handsome man.

The bright red background also distracted me. I could literally feel my eyes wandering towards the red part while reading. However, I did enjoy the story. I think if you go into more detail, fix the background, and have someone proofread the chapters before you post them, you'll have a stellar story. -A

Just a tip - bright colours in the background can be distracting and sore on the eyes....

The summary had a few grammatical errors, like missing a comma or a word.

I think the prologue would have been better as the summary. Just my opinion. It's more captivating to me.

A tip to improve your writing is (as seen in the first paragraph of chapter one) is to not just say "This happened. This happened. Then this happened." and just give straight character descriptions. Another thing is to try and start each sentence with a new word. Saying "She did this. She thought that. She was this." also can get a bit tedious to read.

This story off that bat wasn't that detailed to me.
But I enjoyed it nonetheless. I could still get a mental picture of what was happening, but it just wasn't enough y'know?
Good work. I'm not downing you, but we authors still have stuff we all need to work on.
I wasn't trying to be rude, either! Just a little harmless criticism.

I really do enjoy this story, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story; however, honestly, I agree with Pixie. If I were her, I wouldn't have offered to take him to coffee and I would have been more resistant. Other than that, this seems to be on a wonderful path. Keep writing! I also like the Bible quote in the beginning. :)

You seem to run through a lot of information too fast. The parts where you're trying to be subtle about his inhuman nature are too glaring. Clair also breaks out of the character mold you initially built for her almost immediately, making her seem two dimensional and easily influenced. Try slowing the pace down and keep her a little bit more aloof. You have her as a cynical woman who's constantly hit on. I think that kind of woman would be more wary than immediately friendly to a new handsome potential coworker. He could be trying a new trick. That kind of borderline paranoia is to be expected, particularly after she mentions common pick up lines and informs him flatly none will work. I realize he's probably supposed to have a special effect over, but make that more gradual. A woman of that character would resist that kind of influence and possibly get mad. Those are the more traditional courses of action.

I think that the title gives too much in my opinion. It kind of just sounds like another one of those stories, so maybe something that doesn't really say exactly what it's about. The first chapter I don't think should be a chapter to itself, maybe if it was used in the summary, or as a prelude to the first chapter? I just think its unnecessary for the prologue because it isn't really a prologue. From the first paragraph I just get the feeling that this is going to be a bit cliche. I mean naturally golden hair? I don't know, it just doesn't make me want to like the character. And then Alex looking down her shirt? It makes this girl Clair seem very stereotypical. Pretty blonde girl that gets attention from males. And the British accent? There's just nothing really normal about Clair, it sounds like she's too perfect, and it takes away from the quality of the writing. With that said I did like Alex's pickup line which shows you have a good sense of writing but I think you need to work characterization.

This is a really interesting topic and I feel like it has a lot of promise. I found it a little hard to like Clair, though, and I can't really pick out a personality other than what you've told us because she seems to be all over the place. It was also a little hard to read because I felt like all of your sentences began with She, He, or Clair, but thats easily fixed with a quick revision. I can't wait to find out where this goes.

Well, firstly, I'm going to have to point out your layout. The vibrant red background literally hurt my eyes as it was...well, vibrant. Painfully bright. I would suggest you dull it down to a dark red. Though, I know this could simply be my own screen resolution, but it hurt to read. It was also highly distracting, and hard for me to read the actual content of the story because I kept getting sidetracked by the background.

Onwards to the story, the plot of this has a lot of potential, as someone else said. It's very unique, from what I can pick up, and if written properly, this story could be fantastic. I did enjoy the prologue being a quote from the Bible. It definitely compelled me to click chapter one.

However, I will not lie. I was a little disappointed after the big build-up I felt you had coming.
Personally, like LettersToNormandy, I did not find myself liking Clair. Her personality and attitude was, in fact, slightly off-putting. It felt as if she had an air of arrogance.
I also don't fully feel Clair should have invited a stranger out to coffee with her. Maybe if she had run into him once more later on or something. You wrote that she feels she needs a break from the bad boys, but how is she to know that this Liam guy isn't any trouble to her? She seems too trusting; too open. Realistically, I think she should have been a little more hesitant before abruptly inviting him out to coffee with her. Also, by doing that, I felt you kind of rushed it slightly or that you're going to. Take your time.

You did have a few spelling errors, though. Like, here:
and they both wore bikinis that were more reveling than their parents had appreciated.
I can safely assume that you meant "revealing," right? Since 'reveling' means 'Get great pleasure from.'
Read over your chapters carefully to avoid things like this before you post them because obviously spell check isn't going to catch these things when it's a word.

Other than those bumps, this story has a lot of potential and I really think this could follow through to something amazing. Good luck. (:

Okay. The premise has a lot of potential. Admittedly your summary was a bit confusing, but I got the general idea of it.

There were a few spelling errors here or there. They'll be a quick fix.

This really has a nice premise, and I thought the prologue was a nice touch. So kudos for that. If played right the story could be brilliant.

By the end of the first chapter I can't seem to find myself enjoying Clair. No offense but she seems a bit full of herself the way she reacts to Liam when he walks up to her, its kind of off putting. And her asking him to coffee... I find myself wondering just why she finds him mysterious. Nothing there seemed to give him that vibe. I could see if she wanted to be friendly at try to befriend the new guy, but I'm not getting the mystery as much.

This is a good start to an interesting idea. I'm definitely curious to know more. I like that you started off with the Bible quote. It sets the whole thing off on a very serious note, and then chapter 1 breaks the tension a little. Your writing is really easy to read and there aren't a lot of mistakes.

It's an interstitial story plot and an original idea which I am always read to read. It's well written although I would love to read more!!! There was practically no grammatical mistakes which is awesome!!! Great story! Keep up the awesome work!

Ooh, I'm the first comment! :) You used such good descriptive words, everything really came to life as I was reading it. I like the sentence "He was very handsome with brown hair that came down to his ears and brown eyes that looked hardened, ancient and youthful at the same time", especially the eyes bit. It's intriguing. Like, "why are his eyes so interesting? Must read more!" There are a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing a quick once-over won't fix. You spelled "revealing" like "reveling", as in partying and making merry. Other than that, awesome! Keep writing! :)