August 15th, 2012 at 05:46pm
via comment swap. ;D
I agree with the posing-a-question-to-the-reader thing. I think it was very smart, as well as how you went right into his thoughts. It really feels like you could be him, almost, or at least be so close to him you know what he's thinking. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't feel forced. Same with your dialogue. It flows naturally. Most people would probably write them speaking in perfect formal English like I see so many stories on here do, but you manage to hook into the whole young-adult-male sort of dialogue. I'm working a lot on that myself since I tend to make people sound like my thoughts instead of how they would actually sound as people.
The actions seem very natural, too. I'm impressed. Not a lot of people can quite capture how we speak/act naturally. :3 <3
I'm not going to lie and say I read this all. Because I didn't, I did however read the first few chapters. I'm not an MCR fan at all and I normally skip over them when I want to read something. But, in this case; I was sent here. You have it set up really nicely and I do admire the way you write. I saw that you mentioned some pottefics, so i'll return. I agree about the layout, however. It's rathe boring and doesn't typically draw the reader in. But, at the same time it's not flashy and doesn't draw the reader out. So I guess in a way it works