The Most Commonly Told Lie; I Love You - Comments

There are a few grammatical errors that, if they were addressed, would probably contribute to the overall effect of this story. It's a short story that doesn't overload on detail, and I can feel the emotion through in the words. An an aesthetic note, the image on the left side is no longer available, so it makes it difficult to read. I found this story on the comment swap, and it looks like it's pretty old, but good job. I like how you align the text to give it a more poetic feel.

This kind of romantic drama definitely seems to be a popular thing to write about lately. There is a lack of detail that makes me thing this story could easily be made into lyrics or a poem. It leaves a lot to the imagination but at the same time the characters seem to be announcing their feelings a lot, which makes it almost seem to direct. But I can feel a lot of emotion behind it, which makes it more captivating. :) Very good

I love the way this is written. You didn't overload on detail but also put enough that you could feel the emotion. You didn't drag anything out but didn't really leave anything hanging. Also, the layout is beautiful!

I love the way this is written. You didn't overload on detail but also put enough that you could feel the emotion. You didn't drag anything out but didn't really leave anything hanging. Also, the layout is beautiful!

People so often say I Love You and don't mean it. I like it! In today's world we say I love you like it doesn't mean anything, but I think that an "I love you" should be used for when you truely love someone deep down in you heart, mind, and soul! I think someone should say "I love you" if the other person is all they think about, if that person makes the first's heart flutter whenever they are around, etc. "I love you" is very powerful and shouldn't be taken for granted! "I love you's" in the past have brought down kingdoms, waged wars, brought about peace, etc. Love is a very powerful thing!
From: Haley Moore(your Psychology class)! LOL

Your the only one I want to see in my future. Your should be you're. Same goes for the sentence So whenever your kissing her, you’ll remember me.

This story could use a bit of brushing up on grammar, but other than that there are no major problems. I liked the idea of this. It was short, sweet and sad. I think the ending played out very realistically and I can relate to how she's feeling.

Your the only one I want to see in my future. Your should be you're. Same goes for the sentence So whenever your kissing her, you’ll remember me.

This story could use a bit of brushing up on grammar, but other than that there are no major problems. I liked the idea of this. It was short, sweet and sad. I think the ending played out very realistically and I can relate to how she's feeling.

I feel like a colon would work better than a semi-colon in the title.

To see him with her, was more than I could bear. You don't need the comma in that sentence.

“Its not what you think.” He said to me. That sentence should be "It's not what you think," he said to me.

“NO YOU DONT!” I yelled at him. I think you could find a better way to emphasize her yelling rather than caps. Just a suggestion, though.

I found this through the comment swap system and heres what I think:

Your a very good writer and I especially like the way you phrase somethings. I would suggest you change the layout so that the font isn't aligned to the right side. Other then that maybe don't make her quotes in all caps. Love it!

Overall I really liked it. Especially how you organized it with the lines ending on the right, I don't really know how to word that better, but anyway I haven't seen that before on Mibba and it made it more interesting at first glance.

You're writing style in general is sort of awkward to read at points, when you mix and match short and long extended sentences make sure it still 'flows' enough that it's not too abrupt. Sure you can do it for effect, but it's kind of overly so.

'tears running down my face was nothing but the rain.' I really liked this line by the way, and nicely added to the scene. :)

The oneshot overall was quite nice and emotional, and the ending was, while sad, a perfect fit in my opinion. :) Great job!

Overall, the content of your story really hooked me in starting at the title to the very end! However, there were a few noticeable grammar errors, and if you fixed them your story could be even better!

In the opening line:
To see him with her, was more then I could bear.
'Then' should be than.

and then this sentence:

There is no body I would rather be with!

'No body' can be written as one word.

Also make sure you use contractions correctly like thats not true. and And I wont let you lie to me again should be that's and won't.

These are all small things. However, I know I'm a picky reader, so I instantly notice these mistakes, and it can distract me from your lovely story! Keep up the great work! (:

I thought this was a nice short little oneshot. I'm a fan of moment in time stories, so it was nice that this just ended and didn't continue on.

I know it's hard to avoid sentences that start with 'I' in a first person narrative but I did feel there were rather a lot of them in the first paragraph. Maybe you could work on starting some of them with something else.

Dialogue-centric isn't really my thing, but this was written pretty well and it actually makes me want to go look at your other stories to see if you have one that might be more up my alley. If I find one, I'll leave you another comment!

You really need to separate your paragraphs. A lot of readers will skip over stories that are just one big block of text; it's hard of the eyes, and it can be confusing to read as it's easy to get lost in such a chunky paragraph. Luckily, I didn't just skip over this story because your work has a lot of potential. Your writing style is concise and is easy to read. Your characters seem interesting, and the plot is relatively nice. It could really become a great story with a little tweaking. Also, I'm not going to harp on your grammar because I feel several others have already covered that issue, but you really should remember to edit, edit, edit stories because such mistakes, like chunky paragraphs, will make your reader count dwindle. Finally, you might consider using 'left-align' instead of 'right-align', but that's really a matter of aesthetic preference.

I noticed a little mistake in the first sentence, you wrote "then" it's actually than with an A. Now onto the rest. Like the comment below me says, some commas are weirdly placed, but that's really common and you just have to keep practicing. It's a nice story, though, keep up the good work!

I actually really liked this. I did notice you use commas "incorrectly" but i also use them in the same way, I'm not sure about you but I read a lot of older work, and commas are used much differently then. The only real mistakes i picked up was using "your" instead of "you're" but we all do that sometimes. Oh well. I did really like it :) Good job

One of the first things I noticed about this was your use of commas. You seem to like to throw them out when, gramatically, they aren’t really necessary. And in turn that makes your prose a little difficult to wade through.

As for the actual story, I would have liked to get more of a connection to these characters. You throw them out there and do a good job of introducing them to the reader, but I found it difficult to empathize with them or feel for their situation. More background information would help, as well as a more rounded look at their personalities.

Reading the other comments, I have to say that the things ThirstyyBoots is calling 'grammar mistakes' are NOT grammar mistakes. They're syntax errors. That has nothing to do with grammar. On the other hand, your grammar does need a bit of work. I see that you use the incorrect "your" during every instance that it is supposed to be "you're".

For example: "Your no good for me, but your the only one I see. " It should be "You ARE not good for me, but you ARE the only one I see." Or, you could say, "You're not good for me, but you're the only one I see."

There are quite a lot of things I could tweak in this one shot, if you want me to send you an edited version, so you can see what mistakes you made and try to improve/learn from them. You pretty much hit spot on with the emotion on the girl's part, and I really enjoyed reading the entire thing, which is a job well done, since I am known not to finish reading even the shortest of stories. xD

Anyway, the MAIN problem you have here is punctuation. The quoted parts aren't properly punctuated, and many of the commas don't need to go where you're putting them. But honestly, this is all stuff an editor can catch. You've got the emotion and female character personality down well, so this is definitely something that could be worked with. I'd say that one more big thing that could be done better would be the character portrayal of the guy. Everything he said was a bit predictable, and I wish that you had shown a bit more of his personality as well. He was a bit too stereotypical.

But yeah, I got bored and pasted the whole story on a Microsoft Word document (mainly because the layout was hard to read on here), and ended up correcting any mistakes I could find and writing in some side notes on what I feel could have been stronger. If you want to see what I had to say, just tell me. :)

First of all, the layout is really hard to read, so that's something you might want to fix.

The first few lines are really well written. They show a lot of emotion and help set up the story really well. The way the main character feels toward him seems very real and realistic. You did a good job portraying the scene of a couple fighting.

I really like this, it's a great story. There are some grammar mistakes that I noticed and I wanted to point that out first. Your paragraphs should be double-spaced, there should be a white space between them. I noticed at one point you started a new paragraph but it was the same person speaking.

Here:

“Its exactly what I think!” I snapped at him
“I was so stupid to think that you and I had a chance! How stupid could I be, to not see that you would do this to me! How could I think that you loved me for a SECOND!?”

Should be-

“Its exactly what I think!” I snapped at him, “I was so stupid to think that you and I had a chance! How stupid could I be, to not see that you would do this to me! How could I think that you loved me for a SECOND!?”

There were some punctuations that were missing and instead of capitalizing something I would italize it, but that's just my opinion. I think then it seems more like an infliction and less like randomly yelling one word.

Anyway, aside from that I loved this, I really felt for her. I couldn't imagine walking in on something like that and how hard it would be to walk away from someone you loved even if you knew they didn't love you back. I think you captured all those emotions really well.