June 19th, 2012 at 05:32am
I'll start off with the layout. Although I do like how it's easy to read and how neat everything looks, I am not a big fan. It isn't… appealing. I wish you would've chosen a more beautiful picture and background. Maybe taken off that black border. Possibly have made everything a lot cleaner with the color scheme. I feel like that green, although I know where it came from, is a little too much for that picture.
Your story on the other hand is quite refreshing. I found no grammar mistakes which is an absolute joy. I found it to be rather appealing. It's something almost everyone can relate which is very nice. I can't say it was a masterpiece, but I found it to be quite good. The start and finish is perfect, the flow of it is great, and the imagery and diction is absolutely, positively, glorious. I'm not sure if this is a simple one-shot or if you're continuing it, but I hope you do.
I'll sub and wait for another chapter (Assuming there is more chapters?), then I'll make a proper comment telling you what I thought. I just can't make a comment judging properly from just that.