The Battle of Centarium - Comments

This story fed my nerdiness to the maximum! You have so much detail and such a beautiful world that you created!!This is truly an amazing fiction story. I have to say I really love Aeysu, he's my favorite! I love that you made your own rules for the world you created its the mark of a good imagination. Keep on writing!

Iv read a phew chapters now and can I just say the amount of description you use is just amazing! I so wish I could write like you your story is just so gripping and interesting I am definitely going to be reading the rest of you story.

Just read the first chapter and let me just say that the detail you put into you chapters are amazing! It literally paints a setting that I have no issue imagining. And the dialogue is well written. It's one of the more original plot lines that I've come across so far. But nonetheless I loved it and will be reading on to the other chapters because this first one was a great hook. And I just stumbled upon this story from comment swap, but tbh these are the kind of stories I like anyway haha (:

I love the universe you created for this story. It's a bit hard to tell when it is, or just how much education these people recieve, but I only see that making it more interesting to figure out as we go. Good description on the sword as well. It's very visual, as was the imagery of the sky when it was ablaze. My favorite line, however, was "In fact, the sound increased in volume, as if it were impatiently awaiting his response and resorted to shouting." Lovely turn of phrase!

I loved the story plotline it was so amazing! I think it was an amazing read and I'll for sure to be back to re read! Aeysu's character was probably was favorite. And I'd love to have feed back on my story so let me know what you think!

This isn't set in earth's medieval times people. Thanks for the comments but you have to understand, this is a different fantasy world. There were no elfs and and mages on earth, in a fantasy world medieval diolect wouldn't be suiting just because thattime period resembles this one. This is a world with diolog resembling ours now, time period 'resembling' medieval times, but its a whole world in itself. Its a time period I created, so if I wanted cars driving on roads and falling into a bandit raid, it would fit because when tou create a world you also create what exists in the created time period.

~Comment Swap~

This story has a very good plotline and is extraordinarily well written. If I had to say one thing though, is that your dialougue does not perfectly suit the setting and time of your story. With a little fine tuning, this could become an amazing piece of work.

This is interesting. Although you have clearly set this in a different period according to the horse drawn wagons, you lack the ancient feeling of the speech they used in those times and on occasion, your description seems too familiar or something. It just doesn't suit your plot. This distracted me greatly and made the first chapter much harder to get through.

O_O What a twist!

Very, very well written, i must say. I came here expecting not much (like usual) but was happily surprised to say a well composed first chapter. The names did not seem forced, as made up ones sometimes can.

Grammar was good, did not see any mistakes there.

The only problem i really have with it is that it seemed very quick. Think about in other fantasy books, it's always a chapter or two (or three), before things really begin to unfold and get down to the story line. Here it only took one chapter, which makes me feel as though this is a bit rushed.

I need to hear a bit of history of the Aeysu and his dad, and of course my favorite, the lore of the land and all of the legends.

Other than that, great job.

I love the way this is written and the entire idea is quite unique, which is quite refreshing. i have enjoyed reading this so far and am convinced that this has some serious potential. albeit, there a few minor grammatical errors that take away from the flow of the story, aside from that, this is wonderful and wonderful work

I think your writing and the flow of sentences is really really great! It doesn't seem like an amateur writer is writing this.

Getting a lot of comments on my grammar. Just thought I'd say that I'm not typing this on a computer. I'm writing this on a tablet and sending it via e-mail to my girlfriend, who then posts it. Its near impossible to proof read what I'm writing, so as I write a line its final. If I was writing this on a computer, I would triple check for grammar mistakes, but I simply can't. Also I wouldn't want to ask my girlfriend to do it, for obvious reasons.

I have to say, I was intrigued by the idea when I read the summary. I really like how unique the plot is, and I like the characters and their development (more so Aeysu’s so far). It’s also nice the way you distinguish the boys. I’m glad I made it to the end because I wasn’t that invested in the first few chapters, but it improved a lot as it went on. And, like most of the other readers said, there are some grammar issues with this story, but to me, they aren’t horribly distracting. That being said, it would be nice if there’s weren’t any errors ;)
Anywho, I think you’re on the right track with this story. I gave it a sub because I like where it’s going. Keep up the good work, I can’t wait to see what you do with this cool idea :D

This is a really intriguing piece and I think so far it’s very unique and for the most part well written. However, I agree that your grammar is a tiny bit distracting, but that could just be me. I’m a bit of a stickler for these things. Not to mention, I might just be a tad crazy.  I think you’re very well-suited to write action and the adventure you have going on is done properly, which is kinda hard to find nowadays. Your character development isn’t bad and I really think it’s an overall decent work. Keep it up and continue to love what you do because that’s the most important thing in the end.

There are a few tiny grammar mistakes. The thing that stuck out to me the most was the wrong form of your/you're a few times. That's the kind of thing that really gets to me though, and it's not really that big of a distraction.
But you have a good adventure thing going here, with solid characters. Also, you're good with writing action, which I have to admire because I suck at it. So, keep it up.

Sooo, comment swap brought me here and I have to say, this is quite unique. Though I think you should maybe work on your wording and description a bit more; it’s not bad, it just needs a bit work. Being a bit more clear with things would probably work.

The adventure/action in this is good, it’s very interesting; especially because of the fantasy aspects you use and the characters are good; they are interesting and nicely presented. But I do feel you should work a bit more in making them a bit more human, if you know what I mean. And the layout, well, I think it would give more interest to the reader if it were more detailed; and you could do so much more with it considering the story you got going on here, I dunno, just sayin. Other than that, it’s good, keep it up!

I think the plot line is very unique and definitely something I have never heard of or read before. However, I do agree with the other comments. It almost seems like you're trying too hard to use the correct type of description in your story, and that's not bad. It can be difficult to get the right grasp on how you should write descriptively correctly. It is a very unique plot, the only thing you need to work on is your use of adjectives :)

I think I have to disagree with most of the censuses. I don't think your imagery is particularly striking, at least not in the first chapter (which is what I read.) There are definitely attempts, and there are some moments of nice turn-of-phrase, but phrases like "With a descriptive look in his eyes, Aeysu was handed a large pack with two straps on either side, and was sent on his 'adventure of the second rate swords'." Don't give me an image. What is the descriptive look like? What of? It doesn't seem clear to me at all.

Your action is interesting though, and the story is surprisingly unique considering the obvious tolkien-esque ness of the fantasy. I may read more, and I appreciate you sharing your work.

uhh i meant draws the reader in
hehe rightttt