The Battle of Centarium - Comments

I read through this all the way, and I was glad I did. I must admit it was a struggle through the beginning chapters. I couldn't really get into the story, but I liked the characters. When the training started it got better. I think you need something that draws the player in more, like a bigger problem rather then just training. Now would be a good time to do it, before the story gets to far. Although I liked the characters, I couldn't get attached. There was nothing that made me feel for them. The mentors seemed the best to me. This is a very good story though, don't get me wrong. It has amazing potential, I just feel some sub plots could make it legendary. Your diction is perfect and so is the movement of the plot. The layout is fine. How many books have pink pages now days? So to me it doesn't really matter. You're doing amazing, keep it up!

I must say that the imagery is really good. I found myself imagining it well. I do agree with atinylittledot. You need a layout. The layout will pull more people in because the black and white can be a bit dull. I do think that you're off to a great start. I can't wait to read more on your story. As far as grammar, I think you are good. I didn't see any mistakes, or at least to my eyes. My mind usually automatically corrects things when I read so it's quite easy for me to overlook things, but so far so good. Keep up the good work. ^^

Hello, so this might be a little bias, since I've never been into these kinds of stories that much, but I'll try my hardest not too.

I only read the first couple chapters, and from what I see you have a good story going on here. Your imagery is spectacular I will say that.

Tiny grammar mistakes here and there which can be fixed really quick with a quick proof read.

I did think at first the first chapter kind of just dragged on instead of getting me interested a little more. What did interest me though was when he started hearing and seeing things that no one else could.

All in all it's a good story, and I have friends that I know will love this story, so I'll recommend it to them. Great job!

Comment swap!
First thing is first, you NEED to get a layout. Not having one is really distracting and it's hard to grasp the point of view. Layouts add attitude. The layout maker is really easy to use. Think about it! Other than that, I really liked this. The plot is very original. Great work!

I got your story in comment swap, and I read chapter 10:

Have you considered describing a specific nightmare? I think that would be some very powerful imagery to open up this chapter with, instead of simply saying he had a nightmare.

I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something about your word choice that suits the world you created perfectly. I think it's that you use powerful words and strong verbs, but it works really well.

I also think you're very good at imagery and description too, especially the part where you describe the new mentor. The only thing I would caution against is relying on so much color imagery (red dragons, blue robe, grey beard, black gloves, ) I think if you incorporate more metaphors instead of using blunt colors, your story will be more lively.
Just a technical error:

"This old mage was a lot of things, a cook was the most surprising."
Two complete sentences have to be separated with more than a comma (ie conjunction + comma or a semicolon)

You need spaces between all paragraphs; mibba rule, just so you don't get reported.

You've put a lot of thought into this, havent you? Wars with focus on both sides are often hard to play out, but I think you can manage this. Your first chapter had a bit of a drag to it, until you got to the part involving the sky and sword, that certainly piqued the curiousity I lacked throughout most of the chapter, it makes me wonder, just what exactly is going in in that sky?? That's a good hook right there.

(Comment Swap) At first, I was feeling releaved by the title. Only it seems bashed by the summary.
(Chapter 4)
The vocabulary seems good, even though there are words, or is this greek names?
"Old a dirty" is "Old and dirty"?
Some interesing imagery, hidden within the text.
"Cemtary and Crypts", is "Cemetary and Crypts"? or I'm missing something?
"the sat", is "then sat", which'd make more sense, wouldn't it?
There are a few more details to look into.
Yet, the important thing, is to keep your eye on the event ahead, just not to let the other, off of the grammar and spelling.
This does promis something, for every reader it had been aimed at. There seems to be an adventure ahead.
I hope you can bring all the promis to frution.
Was this the entire story, I hope there is more.
Even if the strange words confuses me, the colourful expressions still light up the sky, like thunder on the clear sky, on a dark night.
If all of this story is like this chapter, it may be well worth reading.

though it's strange with so few comments, I can see, why you take the swap.

I really liked this! I recommended so I hope get alot of people reading!

It looks like I need to look over how posting is done here on Mibba. All the spacing I put between the dialog seemed to not show on the final version of it.