The Tulip Field - Comments

Dear Wispy,

Your slender figure evaded us for days. With a slight turn your form vanished. The King sent us, but with no luck, he stepped in. He found you in a moment. The Knights have been burning their eyes searching for you. Now here we are. We are the Knights of Comment Swap here for your story.

Fear not, we are only here on literary goals. Afterall, there was a royal decree once the Hunger Games came out about the avoidance of violence in all possible ways. The King is entirely literary now.

The last thing he beheaded was a chocolate bar. That too, just to see if the guillotine was sharp enough for it's new use. Chopping wood.

You begin with a poem, a shivering little song, and it is very rhythmic, as if someone is saying it out to the reader or Knight. There is a mis-beat in the last sentence though and a bit of editing needed.

Just a suggestion, of course, indeed we forgot to bring the Poem Knight with us today. His eyes were too strained after searching through the world with a poetic thought and structure to find you. He searched the trees and the wandering leaves and the slight crevices of mountains all in hopes of finding a Wispy.

Your story is creepy. Did you ever read The Eye The Ear and the Arm?

The cold atmosphere that you want to bring to your story is thrown off at times though. So make sure to tell us more than you show. Describe the two sitting and then running like a couple, don't just say it to us. We want to see them running. We want to see the time pass, we want to see the crowd squishing together for bread, the image of the scary woman and the girl she meets past the tulip field. Give us descriptions, settings, dialogue. We are floating away into the imaginative space of your words without them.

Don't tell us that she said yes, make her say "Yes." and then if the scene changes suddenly we will know. Everything happens suddenly in writing. It happens as you write. Thoughts can flow back and forth, but action sequences keep rolling forward.

Ground your story in facts, details, characters. If it's been a year why doesn't she know anything about anyone yet?

Also, you can use italics to show her thought process. It might help you clarify when she is thinking and when she is describing.

Your story is amazingly unique. The King was quite impressed. He sent you a little example to help your writing flow as much as your wispy mind:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Also, as this girl is in a royal line, the way her thoughts flow should be more sophisticated than those around her. The King says there should be a quality about her that draws others as she draws the boy. She should be able to form some sort of leadership qualities or thoughtful plots especially with her upbringing. The King especially believes a child that is close to royalty will bring about amazing changes quickly. Seeing as he is a child of royalty, he would know.

This comment took three days to write. The King took several tours and views of tulip fields and abandoned barns to get a true feeling for the setting before allowing us to begin writing.

All the best writing and farewell. Bring forth your creative detail.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

(Comment Swap)

So this is definitely something new for me. You actually had no grammar or spelling mistakes, or very few if I missed any. The layout is absolutely lovely, and I like the use of tulips in the chapter titles. This story is kinda on the darker, eerie side (for lack of better words) and I love it. I think you'll do great, so keep it up :)

Comment Swap Here:

I really liked how original this is, and how well structured it is as well as your near perfect grammar. It's really dramatic and i really like that :) Keep Writing (sorry comment swap gave me your story again, and i don't want to retype everything)

Comment Swap Here:

I really liked how original this is, and how well structured it is as well as your near perfect grammar. It's really dramatic and i really like that :) Keep Writing

I love how dramatic your writing is. This is the first story I've come across that doesn't seem so cliche. It's very refreshing to see that you know how to use spell check, and you know how to use punctuation marks! (: I will definitely be subscribing to this :D

Very original, and thanks for making it such an easy read with no grammar/punctuation mistakes! This reminded me of a fantasy novel, which I'm sure is your intention, so high five. Very eery and creepy.

I only had one issue. This sentence didn't seem to work for me. "Just wait here my pretty." She said in a voice that sounded like nails on a chalk board and sandpaper all wrapped into one.

It should be: "Just wait here, my pretty," she said in a voice that sounded like (whatever adjective you choose, I'd suggest picking just one).

But, like I said, it's really creepy in that I-need-to-know-more, way. Keep writing! x

It's a really interesting and unique story, and I can really feel for the characters. I think maybe if you went into more depth and description, particularly into the emotions of the characters it would create even more empathy. I also really like the way there are a lot of questions left unanswered, it creates really good suspense! Overall I really enjoyed it!

To be honest that little song really creeped me out and so did the first chapter. Other than that, this idea about tulips and stuff is really original! I've heard about luring and all that kinda things but never this, specially with the so called 'lullaby'. I always love seeing unique stories. Now, I like your writing skills, I haven't seen many write like that before but it's all kinda the same to me. Good punctuation. Either I forgot the mistakes or you didnt make any. I enjoyed reading that and the mystery of the tulips still bothers me, which I think is a good thing? Aha :)

Well that was incredibly creepy

This is such an awesome and unique idea! I only read the first chapter, but you definitely have me hooked. I wasn't really sure what to make of this from the summary, but the chapter was definitely interesting and kept my attention.

I'd just be careful and make sure you keep true to the character's ages. You seemed to in the first chapter, but it's definitely hark to write in the point of view of a fourteen year old so I'd just make sure that you don't make them act older than they are.

I'm definitely interested to see what happens in the next few chapters, good job! :)

Wow, such a original and creative idea. Your summary is wonderful. I read it and automatically got chills. This kind of reminds me of a cross between the Deadly Little Secrets books and the Disney movie Hocus Pocus. The little rhyme you used, did you come up with that? Again very creative. I love it so far. Though I am wondering what happened to her guy friend from the beginning. I'm subscribing and recommending this :)

This is creepy, but very entertaining. I love stories like these, It is a very creative story and although i have just began i am eager to read more. You should really considering actually publishing this one day. It is really good!

When I first read your summary, I wasn't entirely sure what to make of it. I wasn't sure what your story was going to be about. It was kind of a creepy yet enticing summary. Then I read the first paragraph of the first chapter, and then it made sense to me (not all of it, obviously, but I think you know what I mean). Anyways, I've read your 3 chapters and so far, I find your story to be very interesting.

Also, I think you just need to check your punctuation; some places need commas. But they're very minor errors so it's no big deal.

Happy writing!

I know quite a few people have already commented on this, but I must say, I found your summary to be very alluring. It was creepy to me, and I immediately wanted to know what was going on.

I like the idea behind this piece, but I feel like the three chapters have blurred together. The way Jackie acts, I can't tell if it's been a day, a week, or a month.

I also enjoy how your titles are following along with the song. xD It's a minor thing, but for some reason, it really impressed me.

All-in-all, it's a very good piece, just needs some tweaking. Some of your sentences run too long, or could use a comma, but otherwise, very nice.

I'm excited to read more. (:

The song in the summary is really interesting and definitely grabs a readers attention. The first chapter is also a great start and leads to an interesting premise, although there are some grammatical errors. For instance, you change verb tense often when it should stay the same. "I've been walking for what seems like a half-hour until I saw it." should be "I'd been walking" and " He asks me if I believed it and back then I would have said no" should be "He asked me if I believed and I said no." otherwise good start and keep going!

He was the same rank as me, Duchess, and my age. - this sentence just didn't quite seem right to me, since you are talking about a male and saying the female version of the word, if you get what I mean?

Each time someone new speaks, it needs to be on a new line of a double spaced paragraph.

Sense when... - since, not sense.

When you write dialogue, you have to have a comma at the end of it, like "... crap from my tutor," he said..."

Nickolas is the first to see the field and suddenly stops, giving me some time to catch my breathe. - this sentence was randomly in the present tense, instead of the past tense like the rest of the story.

Does a fourteen year old really know what it's like to be drunk?

No, Commanded me... - the "commanded" doesn't need a capital letter.

Otherwise, a pretty eerie start to a story. Just watch out for minor errors when you're proofreading! :)

This story is well written, enjoyable and has left me wanting more. I only read it for the comment swap but I am genuinly interested now!! It's a great story line!! I didn't really see any grammar mistakes. I love the song it really captured my attention: I wanted to know why you should stay away. It's left me asking questions like: where's Nickolas? Please update soon!! x

"That day was my last day of freedom and I'll never forget it." That was a really powerful sentence yet it has an error. Can you spot it? Yes, you need a comma before the and. Also if you are going to double space; you must stay double spaced. Other than that I think that your characters have great personalities, and they seem to be developing nicely. I think that I shall defiantly continue reading this.

In chapter one, you spelled "since" like "sense." You also change from present to past tense from time to time. Sometimes it's from paragraph to paragraph, and other times it changes within a paragraph. Just read over it sometime and watch out for that.

That's the major problems I noticed with it. Character development is still coming along, and I suspect it's going somewhere good.

Obviously, it's still too early to know a lot about the story, but you've gotten off to an interesting start. It's not the kind of thing I've read a million times and it seems like it's going to be pretty good.