Asper - Comments

Comment swap brought me here. I read the first chapter and will continue reading. This story has a great setup and definitely feels epic as hell. it reminds me a lot of the elder scrolls (my favorite series of video games, so definitely kudos for that). i will continue to read more

Comment Swap :)

So, first off, you might want to adjust your layout :/It's really difficult to read.

Besides that though, I enjoyed the first chapter :) this isn't the type of thing I normally read but it was very well written and very intriguing!

:D

Too hard to read Due to the lay out

It sounds good but the layout is what throws me off very hard to read.... =\

(Comment Swap)

Layout - I don't really like it... I mean the background image looks cool. But the fonts and that used don't really make it look more authentic, which I'm guessing is how you are trying to make it feel. Try a different font and different look...

Grammar - I've never been a fan of having paragraphs close together. And every time someone new speaks you are supposed to start a new paragraph.

Concept - The idea is cool. I know Rivendell is a place in Lord of the Rings. I thought I had heard the name from somewhere else...

My opinion - I couldn't get into it... the chapter was too small... and the fact that you put what happened in the summary at the end of the first chapter didn't help me out at all.. it kinda just confused me even more. If I was you I would have put a small desciption of the area in the summary and a little about Asper... not actually written a part of the chapter. It's one thing that I tend to avoid in my stories. I have never put what happens in the first chapter in the summary... that's just my general opinion.

Overall - Layout isn't the best, could do with more work. Grammar, is getting there. Concept, its okay... though if it is a story to do with Lord of the Rings it should be Fan Fiction, not Original Fiction. I think the chapter is a little too short as well... but that's just me. I tend to write loads in my chapters now.

Just keep practicing and keep reading over chapters until you know that there aren't any mistakes and nobody can pick at it. But I did get confused... because I'm not much of a Lord of the Rings fan so I don't really know much about it but in my opinion it does need work.

I HAVE ONLY READ CHAPTER ONE. IF I MAKE ANY COMMENTS THAT ARE ANSWERED IN LATER CHAPTERS FEEL FREE TO IGNORE. (My disclaimer)

@ gypsy.
Thanks, usually i just write the story first, then go through and add the detail later once the story line is down. It's just who i've always written. Past/present tense sometimes gets confusing so im sorry about that :( I'll try to work on it.

So, as I'm reading this, I notice it looks very cluttered. I would suggest spacing out the paragraphs in the prologue. Maybe making it to where you can't see the picture behind your text as it's very distracting also, this is a very good story but it could use a lot more detail. Like when you're talking about the birth of Asper, you could go into so much more detail and it would be even better.

In the second chapter, you switch tenses a lot. You go from past to present which is common and easy to fix. Other than what I've already pointed out I don't see any mistakes and I really like this so far. I'll be sure to comment more once I've finished and offer any advice I can (:

@ keeperofthewoods
Thanks :)

Rest In Peace was a really good chapter! I also loved your background to your layout! the whole eye thing makes it very alluring! I haven't finished yet, but when I do, I'll make sure to comment again and let you know what I think. But so far good work!

@ momomeme2012
Thank you :3 the layout was made for me. I'm glad you like it :)

@ Lil'Biskette
Thank you!! :3 i'm working on the next part, trying to figure out where exactly i want to take the plot line. I really appreciate what you said. I've always wanted to be an author, when i've finished it i'd love to consider publishing it, if it's good enough anyway. :)

Comment Swap here

Wow! Great story! It's filled with a lot of details about the setting. The language you use flows and is easy to read. I love the imagery and description you use. The layout you use is awesome for the story and really draws people in. Great job!

Hello I am from comment swap.

This is just amazing what you have done here! My my goodness it looks like I have come across another famous writer in the future (I mean you). First of all I love the layout . It is very nicely made.

For the first time in all the comment swaps I have done (I've done a lot) your sentance structure is flawless and perfect. I had to keep reading this story (because I don't exactly read comment swaps, I skim). But you just kept me going and going. I have read so many books in my short time of life so far and as I was reading it I thought I was reading an actual book. Please expand your plot so that you can create a novel. Even if it a short one it would sell for sure! if you want to and need a publisher I have a reliable resource. Please I grant you luck with this "novel"!

I love it!!!! Fantastic! I can't wait for more :)