Silenced - Comments

  • Velvet.Tears.

    Velvet.Tears. (100)

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    This is very interesting. The only thing that I think you are lacking is some description. There are places that you need to elaborate more on what Daniella is thinking or what is going on.

    It is a good story just needs a little more depth and needs some grammar and spelling checks to go over it. (rapped verses wrapped). Nothing that is too hard to fix. You have something that could be good as you continue. :)
    July 3rd, 2012 at 12:02am
  • CassieScars

    CassieScars (100)

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    Interesting.
    You have a few spelling mistakes but since we're all human, it's expected.
    For some reason it doesn't sit right with me... The fact that she doesn't show resentment to her father... Or that she still refers to him as Daddy and to her Mother as Mummy. It should have changed, atleast for her father to symbolise the way her thoughts have changed about her father.
    You're slightly lacking in description, but other than that this is well written and the plot is good so far...
    You could possibly make the main character a little more deep, because at the moment she's too shallow to properly relate with.
    June 28th, 2012 at 08:51am
  • tiffagold

    tiffagold (100)

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    Comment Swap:)

    I think this story is a very unique one eventhough there are tons of grammar and spelling errors, I like it alot. Your descriptions could be more detailed, it's better to have too much than not enough. I like how you used suspense up to the point where Daniella found out that her dad killed her mom, even though it may be obvious to readers you still did a good job putting it in a child's view. You should use a bit more suspense through out the story and I hope you update soon because I have subscribed.
    June 25th, 2012 at 07:53pm
  • Bangarang!

    Bangarang! (120)

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    This story is very interesting, I like it, as I read it i saw a few spelling errors but nothing that can't be fixed if you just read over it. your descriptions are good, but maybe add a little more just to give it that bit more.
    Anyways good luck with this story.
    ~subscribed
    June 25th, 2012 at 08:47am
  • stellatakemehomex3

    stellatakemehomex3 (100)

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    I kind of liked this and kind of didnt. There were a bunch of spelling and grammar mistakes, so I would go over this and try to fix that up. You should add description in some places, and other places it was a bit excessive. I think this story has potential, but you should slow it down a bit. Best of luck with it.
    June 25th, 2012 at 03:51am
  • bless

    bless (100)

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    I agree with the comment below me. This is a big plot, and it is displayed quickly. In the beginning there is very little detail, which is fine since the narrator is a young child.
    However when it came to the rape scene many things seemed cliche. Such as when she went to her 'happy place', or how he would leave bruises.
    I can understand when someone shuts down, but if they even do go to a 'happy place' include some description.
    A few grammar and spelling errors (whole instead of hole) but there wasn't anything major.
    Well done.
    June 23rd, 2012 at 06:38pm
  • justrealizelife

    justrealizelife (105)

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    This is good but I feel like there's too much too quickly. You don't need to introduce every character in the first chapter, you can wait. Also, it's like everything is covered in this chapter, which makes it a turn off to read. There details that are unnecessary and don't add anything to the story. It's a good idea for a story, but definitely needs work.
    June 23rd, 2012 at 06:24pm
  • justrealizelife

    justrealizelife (105)

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    This is good but I feel like there's too much too quickly. You don't need to introduce every character in the first chapter, you can wait. Also, it's like everything is covered in this chapter, which makes it a turn off to read. There details that are unnecessary and don't add anything to the story. It's a good idea for a story, but definitely needs work.
    June 23rd, 2012 at 06:24pm
  • Livelaughlove1221

    Livelaughlove1221 (100)

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    The layout is nice and simple, I like it that way. The story was very well written, full of detail and description. The summary pulled me in right away, curious about the rest of the story, which did not disappoint. The story flows very nicely and the chapters are good lengths. Overall, it's an awesome story! Keep up the great work
    June 21st, 2012 at 09:58pm
  • Livelaughlove1221

    Livelaughlove1221 (100)

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    The layout is nice and simple, I like it that way. The story was very well written, full of detail and description. The summary pulled me in right away, curious about the rest of the story, which did not disappoint. The story flows very nicely and the chapters are good lengths. Overall, it's an awesome story! Keep up the great work
    June 21st, 2012 at 09:58pm
  • ExXxCruc!at!ng.pa!N

    ExXxCruc!at!ng.pa!N (105)

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    You need a bit of proofreading here and there. I don't know why but I got a Criminal Minds type vibe from the beginning of your story. I would love to read the next chapter and see how her school life is and how a mute girl and a deaf boy make it with each other.
    June 21st, 2012 at 09:26pm
  • Kupo

    Kupo (210)

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    In your summary, it should be "witnesses" not "witness" in the second sentence. You should definitely look into having someone edit your stories, because there's a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. Also check your bbcode! should be [i ] [/ i] without the spaces(: I like how her best friend isn't normal but he doesn't have the normal problems. Him being deaf brings on a whole new leaf of describing things(: Definitely keep writing, but you may want to look into getting an editor or learning some grammar:P
    June 21st, 2012 at 08:53pm
  • Valiente

    Valiente (200)

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    This is extremely sad. No person should ever have to witness that, especially not a young child. And the fact that her father tortures her nearly every night in such a cruel way is just utterly heartbreaking. There were a few grammatical errors, but they're easily overlooked by the genius behind this story. I love it! -A
    June 21st, 2012 at 08:24pm
  • bfflgirl8823

    bfflgirl8823 (100)

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    This is so sad . The part where her dad looked at her like he didn’t even realize she was watching made me shiver. No child should have to witness their parent hurt the other; or even kill like they did here. It’s also really sad that she feels so weak against him that she just lays there, but good that she has a “happy place” to think about while going through this torture. It's different than what I usually read, but honestly really well written.
    June 21st, 2012 at 07:15pm
  • Livelaughlove1221

    Livelaughlove1221 (100)

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    The layout is nice and simple, I like it that way. The story was very well written, full of detail and description. The summary pulled me in right away, curious about the rest of the story, which did not disappoint. The story flows very nicely and the chapters are good lengths. Overall, it's an awesome story! Keep up the great work!
    June 21st, 2012 at 06:47pm
  • Livelaughlove1221

    Livelaughlove1221 (100)

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    The layout is a little boring, but besides that. The story was very well written, full of detail and description. The summary pulled me in right away, curious about the rest of the story, which did not disappoint. The story flows very nicely and the chapters are good lengths. Overall, it's an awesome story! Keep up the great work!
    June 21st, 2012 at 06:46pm
  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    This is amazing. The plot is very good as it is powerful, though I find it hard to get through sexual assault stories.

    Like others said, you have a few mistakes here and there - misspellings and whatnot. You can either have someone read it over for you, or you can do it very carefully as I have to do that. You don't have anything major that throws off the flow of your writing, but you have very obvious mistakes like a misspelling of 'whole' when you were going for 'hole.'

    All in all, I really like this story. It has a whole lot of potential. (:
    June 21st, 2012 at 05:47pm
  • Theo Rossi;

    Theo Rossi; (150)

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    The way it is written is amazing. This is a hard thing to write. If you make a small mistake in it, you can mess the whole story up. You seem to be so far at least be doing it write. This actually got my full attention and I enjoy the way it is written. I am going to be honest I don't really read stories like this very often. Mostly because some people just can't pull it off right. But there is the occasion when someone actually gets it write, and the story is amazing.
    June 21st, 2012 at 03:49pm
  • helloblues

    helloblues (100)

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    This is pretty powerful and I love the writing style, like how the language and the structure of prose is quite simple at the beginning to remind the reader that the narrator is just a child. I also like it how at first she calls him 'Daddy' but by the time she's older she refers to him as 'my father', while still referring to her mother as 'mummy', which I think is very important.
    There are a few spelling and syntax mistakes but they can be fixed easily enough. The content of the story itself is very exciting and I think it will turn out to be a great story, so well done.
    June 21st, 2012 at 02:58pm
  • Lady of Bats

    Lady of Bats (100)

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    Wow, okay, I don't usually read these kinds of stories, especially with the sexual abuse stuff. This story's pretty good, though. The story is written pretty well, but as something below me mentioned, you should probably get someone to edit your story for you. There are a few mistakes, such as where you said "properly" instead of "Probably." Anyway, the story's written well, so good job.
    June 21st, 2012 at 12:38pm