Signed, Forever Yours - Comments

(Comment Swap - Chapters 1 & 2)

Layout - 3.5/5 stars. The layout is easy to read, and font the perfect size and color. My only real compliant is that the picture clashes with the rest of the layout. It doesn't match, and it seems a little out of place. Just a tiny aesthetic issue, but nothing that detracts from the reading.

Grammar/Spelling - 3/5 stars. Your spelling is excellent. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes so, if any are there, they don't take away from the reading experience. However, you do have a few commas located in places where they don't belong, and in some instances, you've connected so many clauses with commas that you've created run-on sentences. Minor mistakes, but a tad bit distracting. Reading over your chapters a second time would probably be enough for you to catch most of the mistakes. Also, you skipped around on which tense you were using in quite a few places which was highly distracting.

Characterization - 3/5 stars. I like Caleb's character. He seems to be a strong character, well rounded and developed to be believable. On the other hand, Amberlee reads like a Mary Sue. One of the tragic types that are really beautiful, have a stellar array of talents, but also happen to abused at home. Her only real flaws seem to be things that are out of her control. Personally, I like to see something more added to her personality to make her more relatable and more human. Maybe she's honestly selfish? Maybe she's needlessly cruel to less pretty girls? Anything. I just feel that she needs something more.

Writing Style - 4.5/5 stars. Your writing style is really something special. It would be a perfect five stars, but grammar mistakes cause dissonance and sometimes make the magic slip away. The way your paragraphs are formatted is great, all those details and descriptions just flow beautifully together. I like how you show the reader insights in both Caleb and Amberlee's mind without making your prose seem cluttered or jumpy. Your word choice is excellent, and the way you describe their feelings for each other really helps the reader to understand how deeply they feel they're in love. It's magical, truly.

Plot - 3/5 stars. The plot seems a little slow and cliche to me. Too much of a classic love story scenario. Part of the problem is my dislike for Amberlee's character so, I admit to some level of bias. Yet, I also couldn't really find any element in this story to make it stand out from all the other love stories I've read. It's missing that extra 'uumph' to take it from a good story to something great.

Overall Impression - 3.5/5 stars. This story hangs in a very delicate place between being simply good and hedging toward being great. Caleb's character is a strong point, and so is your breathtaking writing style; repetitive grammar mistakes and Amberlee's Mary Sue like qualities are big drawbacks. I see a lot of potential in this story, and with just a little tweaking, I think it would make a really wonderful read.

I think that is very adventures of you to make your story in present tense. You slipped a few times, but I think you all in all did a fantastic job. I was a bit confused by the point of view changing in the chapter, maybe not the best strategic move. I loved the quote that you used in your summary. I found this to be a very appealing story.

Comment swap brought me here. I really like the layout, the picture is beautiful and the different shades of red compliment the page. Great job on that. I love your description, the detail you write is just really beautiful, and flows well with your style. Your emotion is so strong with the characters, and sets off the story well. You have an amazing talent. Keep up the great writing!

I'm not a huge fan of the layout, it just seems a bit messy and could be cleaned up a bit and the white on red kind of hurt my eyes. But that isn't really important cause it's the story content which is important. However, I love the quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne in the summary, it really works for the story.

The first thing I noticed when I started reading this was how nice and poetic almost your writing style is. It's not too complex but it is just nice and easy to read and flows really well.
I also really liked immediately in the first chapter how it switches points of views, although I do feel that gets a bit confusing at times I also happen to really like it.

"He talked about his passion for music and surprisingly, his like for soccer, and they instantly connected." That sentence was a bit off,and I think that's because of the "his like for soccer" maybe if there was another word there rather than like it would flow better.

"He looks so peaceful when he was asleep" "She stares up at the sky and couldn’t contain her happiness. " There were quite a few mistakes like this through out it, you have to kind of stick to one tense, especially within the same sentence and you kind of change tense a bit. For the first one it should either be "He looked." or you can nix the was and change "asleep" to "sleeps". The second is similar and should either be "she stared" or "Can't contain her happiness." These are common mistakes though, once you're made aware of it it's easier to avoid it.

I liked how it changed from the past (2011) to the present (2012) and how you let us know which time it is in every chapter. I don't know, I just love it when authors do that in their stories. I also really like how in the flashback in chapter two how realistic the abusive relationship was. You really see how he impacts her every decision, including little things like not being allowed to go to the store without his permission. I also liked how she said things like "Oh well it's really my fault..." et centra, and makes excuses for him because actually what tends to happen in an abusive relationship.

I liked how in chapter three you see that both of them have there issues so we kind of see how they need eachother to sort of fix eachother in a way. I LOVED how you showed male self-harm in this because that's not something we see very often. Most characters who self-harm tend to be female for some reason, but it's really evident in both male and females.

At the end of chapter four I was like "Oh damn" with the whole thing with him having another date on Saturday and really liking her too. I have to say, I really liked him up until the last two chapters when he started acting like a dick. I can understand why she took her ex back because she's sort of under control and automatically forgives him even though he's just going to hurt her again. But with him I could help thinking "I would so hunt him down and beat the shit out of him." xD However, I do get they both have trust issues and it's probably easier for him to be with someone who he doesn't have deep feelings towards.

Anyway, I really like this story so far. Not exactly sure where it's going, but I'm interested to find out. subscribed.

Your writing is very pretty, but this story gets a little confusing at times. It seems as if there is no plot. That being said, I'm still pretty interested.

You have very few spelling errors, which is nice to see. (: There's a couple, but those are easy to skip over while editing. Please continue. I look forward to reading more.

I think in the summary you could italicize the quote in the beginning, just so you can clearly see that it's a quote. Just a suggestion, as it's fine as it is. Other than that, I quite like the summary. Stories involving the past and present always interest me.

I love the imagery you use in the first paragraph, especially the line "From her head down to her toes she sings perfection: golden blonde hair that shines like the sun, baby blue eyes that make the ocean jealous, a voice as delicate as a feather." Beautiful, just like her.

I like how the second chapter goes back into the past. I think it's a really good way to give some backstory and also build up suspense. I feel bad for Amberlee with the whole Jarrod thing.

"Most of the evening passes without any events, until his cell phone vibrateds" vibrateds should be vibrates and you need a period there.

I think it's very interesting how Caleb finds out about Sam, because it hasn't come up in the story before, and it's in the past, so it's intriguing to see how it plays out with the present and how everything ties together.

At this point I think this is very well written and I'm glad I found it, as it was a good read. Great work!

The only bad comment I have to say about this, is that after reading your story with it's layout, all of the other comments seem to have a blue glow to them. xD Anyway, I really enjoyed your story, and yes. Amberlee and Caleb kind of seemed like Mary Sue's at first, but I'll be waiting for further chapters to see how they turn out!

Your imagery is very pretty - "She giggles as her breath makes fog appear, and she draws a little heart in it."

Normally I don't like plotty cliche's (and I thought that's what this would be) but it isn't. Caleb's insecurities about not only himself, but his relationship with Amberlee is incredibly relatable. But the thing with Jarrod seemed to happen a bit hastily? I don't know. But I am enjoying it.

xx

I loved the idea. I can't wait to see what happens next. I've never read this style before, third person in the present tense, but it seems to work. Keep writing. :)

this is going pretty well so far. Keep updating so that we can see the characters properly unfold. I don't think I've read a story with this sort of style before. It was a little difficult understanding what was going on but the story started flowing much better from the second chapter. keep going !

i haven't read anything like this before. it's not a style i'm used to but i was still drawn to it. it flows very well and you get there thoughts and feelings out perfectly. there are lots of people who can relate to how these two have lived, so that's another good thing. all in all this story is great and i hope you keep at it.

This story definately has potential, but so far (after 3 chapters) it hasn't really gripped my attention. I think it's partially because I'm used to reading first person as opposed to third, but I also think you should experiment with your descriptions: showing what is happening without telling. For example, at the end of the third chapter when Caleb finds out about Sam and *spoiler*. It was good how he dropped the phone, emphasising his shock, but I think the rest of the paragraph was a bit ordinary and melodramatic, I'm sad to say. I do like how this story isn't chronological, so maybe try to use this technique to build suspense and mystery. I'm looking forward to see how you develop your style and the characters to make them more engaging, but you're off to a good start so that shouldn't be too hard, it just takes practice :)

The time jumps I think are done nicely, it's whole parts not just little tiny sections. In the last part you mentioned that the characters are only portrayed as perfect for now which I think grasps teenage relationships perfectly, although the timing of things feel a little strange and forced, like how just because he didn't respond for a few hours and jumps back with her ex seems a little strange with the timing since Caleb was on her mind so much she doesn't think again for another couple paragraphs. I like it so far other than that small thing, it seems very relatable in the contents with the relationships and ideas of a person before you really know them and the strange curiosity and draw to a person. The flow is good from part to part, I'm not used to reading things in present tense, people usually have a hard time writing in it, but it went really nice and was easy to read.

Well, definitely an interesting start. The characters aren't very deep yet, but it seems like they starting to bloom into their own. I've always found building characters difficult, so good job so far!
Your style seems very simple and easy to follow along with, which is good, but maybe some more complex sentences would broaden the story a little bit.

Eh, the first paragraph (WHEN I READ IT. WITH WAFFLES) was alright. The rest of the story flowed pretty well and I like your title. Your layout isn't distracting, (bravo, I have an addiction to creating layouts that... em... create seizures..) I also love Amberlee's name. And I have no idea why.
...I guess your skills are just that epic.
Good job(:

Well this is a very interesting story, there are a few spelling errors in the first chapter i picked up but they can be fixed simply by reading over it again, it has a good plot, I'd like to see where it is going.
Your writing style is simple, flowing and easy to read and understand.
A good story :D

This seems interesting, I'm in the first chapter--Commenting as I read, so forgive me if I jump around, but one issue I've found once or twice is you jump from past to present tense on occasion as you write, such as the very first paragraph, it's nice until you get to the last line, "But she has to have a boyfriend, she's too perfect not to." That entire paragraph flowed so well until that line. It also happened again further down at the line "She's so intrigued by this boy" as if you're talking about that very moment, but everything around it seems to be written in the past tense. It's just slightly awkward, not bad, just change the tense a bit to fit the rest of it and it'll be much better. It happens again in the second chapter with the line "Something she's kept her eye on for quite some time." There are a few other places, but I really don't feel the need to point out every one at this point.

Mmm, honestly, I don't think this is hard to follow at all, I read what you said about the time periods changing only if you mentioned it at the beginning of the chapters, so I get that and the flow of the story's order is absolutely no problem. I like the fact you're jumping back and forth. You're giving snippets of what's going on in their lives instead of dumping it out all at once, and if you ask me that's a common problem. But you've really handled it quite nicely.

I don't mind romances, but such strong feelings based solely on glances and a few conversations seem a bit...farfetched. I mean no harm but I can't really feel an actual development between the two, it's just BAM--love. Very unlikely, and I'd like to see what caused them to notice and take interest in the other in the first place. Perhaps you can expand on that? It just seems... odd that they're so crazy over each other without any grounds or basis other than "oh he/she seems nice and is attractive."

This has potential, it just needs some polishing and clarification in points I believe. Also, careful with the abuse/suicidal tendencies, they sometimes seem overplayed, but I think you can make it work if you word it correctly and mesh it with the plot in the proper way.

I noticed in the first paragraph here that you use a lot of blocky, short sentences. While this can be useful, I don't think it conveys the tone you're trying to achieve here. It's slightly distracting - try throwing in some longer, more complex sentences for flow. :) Also, careful with switching from past to present tense - stick with one!

The actual description here is really nice. Very visual and appealing and I appreciate that. Good wordchoice.

I'd agree with the others below me that this is a little bit confusing to follow. Maybe clarify what's going on a little bit? There's a lot of description, but not a lot of action.

I think your main issue is the lack of francis.

Hiya. I do have to agree with other commenters that the time shift brings a unique element to the story. However, the plot seemed a bit confusing to me. I couldn't quite grasp what was really going on. That being said, I think it could be executed in a different manner such as using more detail. The writing was great and the words flowed very well. This has a lot of potential.