Forgive Me - Comments

So, when this showed up on the comment swap, I wasn't sure what to think. After reading the first chapter, I realized the book is good. There were a few grammar issues, though. Enrol, privet, and radiating from. All the words are in the first chapter, in case you want to to change them. During the smile comment in the first paragraph there was the comment where you wrote about the main character smoking. "Radiating from..." Doesn't make much sense, but "Radiating off..." Does. Lastly, this is a personal question of mine, what does it matter that the main character has red hair?. That whole statement where she doesn't want to go, because of her hair color is misleading. All in all, good three chapters. The six "Angels" sounds like jerks.

First off: Layout is absolutely wonderful. I love the colors, the picture, and basically everything about it haha. I just had to point that out.

Now onto what I think of the story in general:

It seems like you have a few run on sentences in the first paragraph.

For example: "Lifting the lit cigarette to my lips I took a long drag, smoke filling my already ruined lungs, holding it in for a few seconds I blew it out, a cloud of toxic smoke caught on the wind and danced away."

I think that would be better read, "Lifting the lit cigarette to my lips, I took a long drag. Smoke filled up my already ruined lungs. Holding it in for a few seconds, I finally blew it out. A cloud of toxic smoke caught in the wind and danced away."

That's just my opinion though.

Besides those and a few grammatical errors. I think your description and imagery is spot on. I could actually see the words I was reading come to life!

Hello! I’m writing this comment for comment swap! I thought it would be a really good idea since I would really enjoy more comments on my story, Keeping You a Secret. So, let me tell you what I think of your story! It’s practically flawless. I see very little errors such as grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes. Your layout is what really drew me to the story. It made me interested to find out what this story was about and what would happen during the plot. Anyway, your story is really good and you should continue writing!

This was great! I like how you describe the different 'Cliques' in school settings. It is well written and flows pretty good. Keep up the good work. Oh, and great layout.

This is just so different and kind of dark, but I like it.
Update soon!!<3

Comment Swap:
I have to say I didn't like the very first sentence of your first chapter. It seems a little too 'try-hard' to me to use 'eucalyptus'. Fancy words and frivolous descriptions don't always make for good writing. If i'm honest that first paragraph has a little too much description for my liking.
However in some places I feel your descriptions are perfect. Your use of the simile 'I was like a bird who didn't want to fly' was really effective for me. I feel like you just need to find the balance between too much and too little.

Comment swap:
So.. This is my fave book on here sofar.. Its crazy how much i like your writeing style. (:

I'm actually very grateful for comment swap. Because it has brought me to my new favorite story on Mibba.

I adore the layout and the plot so far, the story is just perfectly written. The similes you use make it so much easier to picture everything these teens to, how they look when they do it, it's just a perfect story. Utter perfection. I can't wait for an update. You've got yourself another subscriber (:

Keep up the good work!

I love everything about the story so far. The characters, the layout, and the storyline. Can't wait to read more!

Comment Swap and whatnot
Seems interesting enough and I wanna see where this goes
My main concern is that you have a lot of little grammar and spelling mistakes. I know from experience that as a writer you often don't see your own mistakes, so maybe someone should beta the story for you before you update
Love that you used Hayley Williams to portray your main character
Update soon!<3

Mi piace ("I like it" in Italian)! Great summary and layout. This storyline is good too. I agreed with Kat about not wanting a cheerleading sqaud. Every school I've seen only has popular kids on their squad.

Something you might want to look over is your punctuation. Some sentences were too long and needed a few breaks. But I can tell maybe some of it was by mistake.

Otherwise, great start! Can't wait for more!

I think you have a beautiful layout, and a captivating summary, which is great. You're straight away luring in the reader :)

Your opening sentence is really long. I think you should have a full stop where that first comma is (or reword it).

I liked the first paragraph. It gives such a clear image of the setting as well as introducing a few viewpoints of the main character. However, she's clearly still young, so I doubt her lungs would be ruined. But hey, that's a minor thing.

"private" not "privet".

Make sure you double space your paragraphs (and use paragraphs appropriately).

The school courtyard was huge and baron, no people could be seen they were all too busy being cooped up in a perfectly air conditioned room learning about Henry the eighth and all the wives he had. - This needs a full stop or two added.

No, all this school was about seeming... - that doesn't quite make sense to me, like it's missing a word or something....

I think the 'Angels' have ridiculous names apart from Hailey. I mean, do parents really name their kids that? It just seems a bit unrealistic to me, especially for 4 out of 5 girls.

Interesting start to a story :) Just be extra careful when you're proofreading!

Me gusta. For some reason I have always been into stories about boarding school. It fascinates me. I noticed some spelling and grammatical errors. Give it a once-over and maybe run it through spell check and you should be fine. Anyhoo. You described everything really well, especially how the “Angels” attacked poor little Elsie Palmer. The locker thing is super creepy, eek. I like it though. I must know what is going on!! Who put the creepy shit in her locker?? Keep writing. :D

I thought that you had very interesting perspectives. I thought that you also had a brilliant amount of detail put into it. Your style of writing gives everything a fantastic flow. There are one or two problems with forgetting commas. This is very original keep up the great work. C'est super!

This first chapter definitely has me intrigued. I love Kat's attitude towards everything and can't wait to find out what made her this way. You descriptions are also beautiful, and i especially love it when you describe the 'angels' "saints that hid their horns under the light of their halos". I also love your style and the way you break up some of the paragraphs into single lines, a great way to emphasize them and make them stand out. There were a few grammatical errors, but easily fixable. Keep it up!

I really, really enjoyed your story! I think you gave enough information in your story and it wasn't too much. I liked how you started to develop the characters. I also loved your style of writing! I haven't read anything like this before and it is a breath of fresh air to read this. Keep writing!

I really like your writing style. Some of your descriptions are positively beautiful, and your character insights are well placed and revealing. For example, I didn’t want to go to a boarding school, I didn’t want to be pulled away from my comfortable nest, I was like a bird who didn’t want to fly. That little bit is fantastic. Not only does it say a lot about her character as person, but the imagery is wonderful. This story seems like it's going to be really great. Keep up the good work.

Your descriptions are really lovely.
I think my absolute favorites were "I was like a bird who didn't want to fly" and "the saints who his their horns beneath their halos."
Those both provoke great imagery. I saw very few mistakes; I think the only one was when you were describing something as "cold and baron" baron should be barren.
Other than that though, this is lovely. You write very well, and I'm curious to find out more about Kat. The layout is also pretty and readable.

I love your use of words. The story is really good. Great description and a really good intro to the story. I will however say that there are a number of grammar mistakes thought that dosen't change the flow of the story. You also need more commas in this story. Anyway look forward to reading more~subscribed

Oooooo, this is really good. I love how descriptive and explanatory this is, I would love to read more of it if you update and I will continue letting you know what I think.
Oh, and some of your similes are freaking great!
Hope to read more from you soon!!! :DD