Is It Killing You Like It's Killing Me? - Comments

I really like this story :O how they are twins but are opposites and I love the way you describe the characters. Enough to get a general idea but not enough to where our imaginations cant make the image of the characters our own. I'm not a punctuation nazi so I didn't pay attention to that and I think your story is quite easy to read. I like the amount of words you use but you aren't too verbose. I really like this story actually, keep writing it :3

I really like this idea with the twins and their dependency towards each other. The first chapter with the suspense on whether or not their father was going to come in and attack her sent shivers down my spine. What I don't like is your switch from past to present tense when they're speaking. And the lack of variety on the word 'say'. The second chapter was okay. I liked the descriptions of Chase and Blake and how it goes into more depth about the twins' relationship with each other. I didn't like how the sentences didn't have punctuation and was kind of hard to read. But otherwise, I really like the idea. (:

From Comment Swap~

When I start reading a story, the first thing that I usually notice about it is the layout. I like the simplicity of yours; the beauty of the roses in the background really contrasts to the tragic vibe of the story’s summary. A very nice start, just judging from the summary. I am excited to continue reading!

This story starts off so…tragically. (I’m sure I’ll be using this word to describe this story and the events within it quite a lot). I’m saddened that these two girls have to deal with this horrid beast of a father and their frightfully absent mother. And I also really like how these girls are almost blindingly opposite, but somehow the same. I’ve often seen stories dealing with twins in which the pair is so alike that it’s annoying. But I like the refreshing aspect of this so far! I’m interesting to find out what happens to these girls in the coming chapters!

By the way, I noticed a couple of errors here and there, such as:
“Jessica” I whisper softly. There should be a comma after ‘Jessica.
“Grace, what is wrong it’s...” This should be, “Grace, what is wrong? It’s…”
“Please don’t do this” I said over and over in my head. There should be a comma after ‘this’.
“Jessica.” I say, softly shaking her body. After ‘Jessica’, there should be a comma and ‘say’ should be ‘said’, because your previous sentence was past tense.
“No, he won’t” I say, tensing up. After ‘won’t’, there should be a comma.
“I was just asking” I say… After ‘asking’, there should be a comma.

I also noticed that there are a couple of tense issues here and there; your story starts off as past tense, but you slowly integrate present tense into it sometimes. It should be one or the other, not both. I suggest getting a beta (you can find them on the forums) to clean this story up, as it has massive potential to be great, but errors like that often deter readers from continuing to read.

All in all, I really enjoyed this. Best of luck to you both in continuing this; you’ve done a lovely job so far! <3

I LOVE how Grace is with her sister. I don't know, it's just really refreshing to not have like, mutual animosity between two sisters because it's been done so many times before. Her admiration towards Jessica is really refreshing, I like it. I hope to see Jessica stick up for her sister more in future chapters though, because I think that if this relationship between them turns more in Jessica abusing Grace's love for her, we'll get a very, very sad story :c

This is interesting. I like how they interact. That last bit really makes me mad. If it was my sister that got tripped I would have stood up and torn that bitch's eyes out. That would have been it. She would be dead. Ya know? But I guess I'm just overly protective of my sisters. XD Totally love the story. I'm totally gonna subscribe.

I really like this so far. The idea in itself is a good one to write about. Two sensitive subjects are mentioned - abuse and drug addiction. You've dealt with them well and this is very well written. The twins have a bond that is unbreakable. I can defiantly sense this from the story. Great work!

I like your idea to put twins in your story, there are not a lot of stories on Mibba with twins. Your summary kinda irritaed me because nothing was capitalized that was supposed to be. Your first chapter was okay. You should give more background on the two sisters. Also when your writing more chapters make sure to develop the mom and dad. What does the mom do that makes her a hot shot in the movie bussiness. Also throw something in there on why the dad started drinking and why he takes his anger out on his girls. Keep writing and good luck with your story

Okay first, non-identical twins are called fraternal twins. My sister and I are fraternal twins and it drives me insane when people say "non-identical" aha.

Anyways, I feel like your story could benefit from more description. I don't really know your characters at all and I don't think there was nearly enough emotion in it for a story about abused kids and drug addicted teenagers.

Your plot seems interesting though, good luck with it! (:

I love this story, but I think you may need a little bit more of some description throughtout the chapters. I couldn't really get a sense of what the twins personalities were like or how they looked? Do you think you plan on bringing thier mother into the story? I would love to see where you're taking this story if you already have sort of layout for it and the twins. But so far this story seems really indcredible, I will be subscribing and waiting for more of this story. Good luck with future chapters!

I like the twins and I like this idea. You had some fragments in there which made the writing look choppy. I wish there was more detail. If both the parent are abusive, wouldn't it my matter if their mom was home (referring to summary/chap 1)? Otherwise, it was good. Keep writing <3

I love where this story is going. I agree with some of the other people that commented, that you should put Jessica’s point of view in it too. Maybe if you went back and forth between the twins for each chapter that way we get a sense of Jessica’s life too. Also do you plan on the mother coming back into their lives? I think you should get a layout that defines your story or has some sort of relevance to it. The blocky purple isn’t very attractive. I love the differences between the twins. How you have one that is very laid back and the other that is worried and always caring for Jessica. That way it is a good contrast to see how the twins have an impact on each other. I wonder if you will make them have any twin powers. Like how they can feel each other emotions or tell when one is in danger. That would be an interesting play in the story. I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this and where you plan on taking it. Don’t get discouraged and keep up the good work. I will definitely be subscribing to see where this goes. 8)

In the way you described them its a bit hard for me to see these girls as twins. Jessica doesn't seem to show too much care or concern for her sister at the moment, and she seems like she is more aged than Grace who follows her around like a child. There are also a few grammar mistakes, although those are easily fixable. Good job and keep going.

Without Jessica's point of view it makes it hard to see Grace in a better light. She's needy, weak and constantly frightened. Having the balancing act of twins is a fun thing to try pulling off, however, I highly recommend that each twin have something that gives them a sort of comfort/sense of security besides their other half. It would give Grace an appreciative depth

I have to say this purple background is not the easiest to read. To be quite honest, it's nearly impossible. It's very unbecoming and takes away from the quality of your story. It distracts the reader so they're less focused on your writing. Also your summary border-lined any other cliched plot line. You switch tenses a lot in your writing, between past and present, and it confuses the reader. Most writer's just stick to past tense. Also you're not punctuating your dialogue correctly, I noticed. Here's a link to a forum that can help you :)

This is a very intense, yet great plot. I really do enjoy how you portray your characters; the contrast between the two twin's exteriors. Most authors write their twins to be the exact same, practically, look wise. I liked that you didn't make them identical with just polar-opposite personalities.

You did have a few mistakes, though. It was mostly in your dialogue, I believe. Your tags were improper. If you need help writing dialogue, you can find articles/tutorials on how to do this throughout the internet. There's even an article and forum thread here on Mibba itself that are very helpful and can teach you how to tag your dialogue properly.

Other than a few mistakes like that, this is pretty good. Good job. (:

Wow, that story I really intense! The detail and the girl's emotions are so vivid that I felt like I was experiencing it too. It's fantastic! I'm really excited to read more about the twin girls. Really good story! Keep up the good work!

So i am really looking forward to reading more of this :) I like Jessica's character more than Grace's though. It just seems that grace is kinda weak.. but that's just what makes the story great; the difference between the two.. It'd also be great you put in more detail on why their dad acts that way with them. Also, there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, nothing too noticeable though. Maybe if you go back and proofread that would help. (: and the layout, hmm I think you could do a lot more with the design and stuff. but other than that, I think it's off to a great start :)

This is a really good plot. You're ding a great job potraying your character. Whn coming from something like that, you have to make one sister stronger and more protective of the other, Jessica. Grace is the more emotional one. It makes total sense. One sister emotionally shut down, while the other has become sensitive. Don't worry too much about your proofreading. I thought it was fine. Youre doing a really good job, cant wait to see more(:

This sounds like a really good idea for a story. Your characters seem interesting and I like the contrast between Jessica's tough exterior and Grace's more fragile one. The story had a lot of potential.

However just be careful with you grammar, sometimes your tense are a bit muddled. For example;
as our dad drunk his emotions

should instead be;

as our dad drank his emotions

They're small mistakes, and are easily fixed, just be careful when you're proof reading. Sometimes small mistakes add up and make an otherwise good piece of writing very awkward to read. Keep working on it, this story has the makings of something really good!

No comments, I shall change that. OMG this sounds like a great idea for a story. Jessica and Grace are very believable in their personalities. Non-identical is fraternal twins (just in case you were wondering). You only had one or two minor mistakes, and you can probably point them out on your own. I think I shall subscribe to see what is going to happen.