Bloom - Comments

First off, I just wanna say I appreciate the layout design. It's very fitting and really helps your piece. Sometimes you use a few too many descriptive words that disrupt the flow of things but I do admire your way of describing a scene. Also that's primarily just for the first chapter as you seem to do away with this by the second, so congrats! That last sentence of the first chapter is just adorable as well. It's a great start I must say.

This story captured my attention right away. The way you write is great, it's hard sometimes when you come across a potential story but the writing is not quite there. This is not a problem for you. I love the plot, I love Amy as a character. The person below is very much right though, she does make you want to punch her but in the end, she's awesome. The layout kind of throws me off slightly, it's just the pink words. It made my eyes go a little wonky, but it's a great start!

*Here from Comment Swap* Nice story, very well written. I think my favorite part of this story was the characters. I liked the way they both had backstories that weren't explained immediately. It leaves the reader wanting to read on, to figure out the past of these mysterious characters. Amy was one of those characters that one minute you may want to punch her in the face and the next you are absolutely in love with her. I like that, it shows you she's not perfect. Cliff just kinda seemed like a normal guy to me, but that's okay. I'd be interested to hear more of his back story. Well, overall nice job!

This chapter was cute! Sorry it took me a while to get to read it, I wish I read it sooner! Update soon please! :)

Aww, I feel bad for Cliff. Anyways, keep updating please! I still absolutely love this :D

Wonderful chapter my darling. I feel bad for Cliff, for having to wake up with her puking and the whole conversation they just had. Not that I don't feel bad for Amy too. Anyway, great update and I can't wait for the next one ;)

As you know, I absolutely enjoy this story.

I love how different the characters are than most "romance" novel characters tend to be; they're casually opposite, to where they don't seem forced to be unique. Amy has all these quirks about her, like her pet birds, her way of keeping things bottled, and how the first opinion Cliff has of her is that she's an elderly lady. Cliff is the prodigy of what appears to be a "rich" condominium owner, hinting at the neglect from his parents through his thoughts and a little bit of resentment toward the business, though he seems pressured to follow his father's footsteps, caught up in the shadow of his father's legend. The initial tension between the two and how you develop it into more of a romantic tension is truly intriguing. It establishes individuality in your writing style that you utilize in the genre.

I applaud you, darling. Keep up the good work. xox

Comment Swap brought me here. I read chapter 5

I like the chapter titles you use in this story. They're definitely different, and if I was a random reader stumbling along your story summary, they'd catch my attention.

I like the way you characterize your narrator through mental thoughts. It's humorous how he calls himself nosy, and then a few sentences away, he's saying he's not nosy and just like a normal person. That type of rationalization really makes him seem human and believable.

"I hadn't noticed the tiny green rotary-dialer phone next to the fridge before. It reminded me of my jeep, back at the beach."

This part confused me a bit- why does the phone remind him of his vehicle? It seems like there should be a metaphor there or something, unless he was just thinking of his jeep because that's where is cell phone is?

"When I lifted the large clay fixture to bring it to the sink, my fingers touched
in a rough spot, where I expected the whole pot to be smooth. Come to find, it
wasn't just any rough spot. It happened to be an engraved message. I turned the
clay structure more toward the window to shed some light on it."

You have random line breaks in this paragraph. There is a couple other places in this chapter like this. I don't know why Mibba's story poster does that, but it will let you fix it.

"They were smooth, without a single flaw."

I really like that description of her eyes. Too often, authors describe eyes in really cliche terms, but this is something fresh.

I love the pelicans as pets idea. In just this chapter I've read, you've come up with so many unique details to make Amy a truly strange character, and its not at all unnatural or forced sounding. She just comes off as a wonderfully eclectic person.

I really enjoy your description of things especially the extended metaphor comparing her to a rubber duck, and sort of snarky descriptions like "new" meaning one-handed.

Two things in the first chapter. I think to things a little weird. I would've went in with just my khakis on, but on a stormy day like this, the beach was deserted.

I think there's a word or something missing from this sentence, or it doesn't need to be compound since I'm completely missing how the two ideas are related.

I scowled, to whoever was listening. People can't listen to a scowl, but other than that no grammar issues that I can see.

For me, the pink on the white background is a little harsh, but the story's entertaining enough that I managed to mostly get past it. Anyway, the story was entertaining all together, and I hope for it to continue. It'll be interesting.

Your writing seems to improve with each chapter. Not that it was bad to begin with, but that it gets better and better. I love the humor that's typical *you* that you add into both the dialogue and text. It's a breath of fresh air from all of the less relaxed stories out there. Your descriptions and scenery are impressive and your character development is phenomenal; it feels like I'm in the story walking around with Cliff or Amy, having known them forever, and am a part of their adventures (or misadventures?) as I go through the story. I also love that it's unpredictable as far as the plot goes. This story deserves more attention and you deserve more credit for such a fantastic story. Applaud yourself, Lalo.

I think your story has good flow. Every scene goes nicely into the next and all of your sentences flow together very well. I like the way you write your transitions and it makes the story a lot easier to read. The only bad thing is I found this story kind of boring. I felt like there wasn't very much going on. Id really like to see you add more action or more plot points to make the story more interesting and get the readers wanting to know what is going to happen next.

In chapter four, things are organized really strange. I didn't understand what was going on with all the different line breaks.

Also, I didn't think the prologue was much of a prologue. Usually prologues give background information but that one seemed to flow with the rest of the chapters and I dont think it needed to be a prologue, but that's just me.

I love this story! At first I wasn't sure when I read the description, but I was completely wrong. I love how you write! Ahh the story's great so far- I can't wait for the update! :D

You have a really interesting way of writing! Everything is very well written and rather descriptive, but you have more, I don't know, wit I guess than most people on here seem to these days. You added humor and I loved that.

I really like your characters, Amy is so awesome, I love how hippieish and independent she is.

Not to mention I had to catch my breath after my bout where I thought I was an Olympic swimmer
LOVED that line, it made me laugh xD

I noticed you put variation of "whoever was listening" whenever Cliff said something when he was by himself. I don't really think that was necessary, and it kind of seemed to make the flow of your chapter awkward.

Other than that, well done! :)

Okay, first of all, I absolutely love the way you write! It's hard to find someone who actually knows how to write well on here lately. Second, as soon as I read he summary I was dying to read the rest of the story. Your plot sounds amazing and I can't wait to read. It is SO good. Oh, and Chris Hemsworth's picture to represent Cliff totally rocks. I am in love with him. Thanks so much for asking if I would read your story! I am always looking for new ones. Please update soon!

Beautiful layout, I had to say I found it very appealing and lovely. The writing style was just as lovely, you managed to create flow and everything went together nicely. You had strong descriptions and I really fell in love with the way you put words together.

I loved the idea and I think its a great concept. The end of the first chapter made me want to read on which is really good because a weak first chapter can break a story.

I loved what you've done here and I couldn't find anything wrong with it technically. But I wasn't really searching for mistakes. Although I think you should add in a little more into the plot to keep it exciting, I really did enjoy reading this. Sadie J Blue xxx

I think your story has good flow. Every scene goes nicely into the next and all of your sentences flow together very well. I like the way you write your transitions and it makes the story a lot easier to read. The only bad thing is I found this story kind of boring. I felt like there wasn't very much going on. Id really like to see you add more action or more plot points to make the story more interesting and get the readers wanting to know what is going to happen next.

In chapter four, things are organized really strange. I didn't understand what was going on with all the different line breaks.

Also, I didn't think the prologue was much of a prologue. Usually prologues give background information but that one seemed to flow with the rest of the chapters and I dont think it needed to be a prologue, but that's just me.

I think your story has good flow. Every scene goes nicely into the next and all of your sentences flow together very well. I like the way you write your transitions and it makes the story a lot easier to read. The only bad thing is I found this story kind of boring. I felt like there wasn't very much going on. Id really like to see you add more action or more plot points to make the story more interesting and get the readers wanting to know what is going to happen next.

In chapter four, things are organized really strange. K didn't understand what was going on with all the different line breaks.

Also, I didn't think the prologue was much of a prologue. Usually prologues give background information but that one seemed to flow with the rest of the chapters and I dont think it needed to be a prologue, but that's just me.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD MORE DONE.

It was really awesome though. And I'm gonna try (AGAIN) to fix your goddamn layout, I don't know why its not showing up still.

I absolutely love this, to be honest. It's very, very interesting.

Can't wait for more! Love you, Lalo!