The Protection of a God - Comments

Comment Swap:
Overall, I really like this. The characters are fun and well thought out, and I really enjoy that Damien turned out to be evil (a nice change from having expected some kind of paranormal romance).
The only complaint I really have is that things seemed to progress a bit to quickly. It seemed a bit unnatural to me that Devon (great name BTW) was so willing to go with some guy she had just met while running at night, especially after he said something so unbelievable. I mean, it was true, but that's not really something you'll believe and most people would probably just back away slowly. So I'd maybe shuffle things around so he proves it without leading her away, or says something about it after they're in the park? Also I would have liked to see more of what happened in the time he was staying in their house, jut a few details to really cement how he's not the best person to have in your house.
Other than that though, I don't see anything wrong and what I would change is really only a minor preference. I'll definitely be keeping this in my bookmarks and maybe even subscribing! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to know where the story ultimately goes!

Comment swap:
I really like the characters in your story but I think you could add some context behind David and Devon's relationship before having Devon and Damien meet. You could maybe put the story about their parents death before the meeting too. I think this would help explain why Devon is so willing to trust Damien because, at least I would think, if I was running alone in a park and someone came up to me I wouldn't talk to them, let alone allow them back to my house. As for Damien, Hades, and Persephone all I can say is YES!!!!!!! Such an amazing development. Once Persephone was introduced I was so excited.
I really enjoy the way you end your chapters with a hook, I definitely makes me want to keep reading on. However, I think you could tighten up the flow of the chapters and make the movement from one chapter to the next more seamless.
Seriously good job though. I really want to know what happens. More chapters please :)

Comment swap chick:

I really like your story so far, I just wish Damien didn't turn out to be such a major douche canoe, it was kind of disappointing. I usually don't read regular stories on mibba, only fanfiction but I'm really glad I found it. Honestly when Damien goes to his little dark place where his eyes burn and he is all crazy and shit he sounds totally scary!!! How old is Devon supposed to be because her character just seems really young?

Comment Swap broski :) hahaha

So I love your title to start out with! And your summary description thing was very brief but it intrigued me. I would have never found this story without comment swap so I'm greatful :) I've only read the first chapter but I can already tell this is going to be unique and brilliant! I can't wait until I read more!

Comment Swap sent me over here!

So I want to start off by telling you that I think the title is quite interesting and I was like hmmm what's this going to be about and then the summary was wonderful. Totally great and totally wonderful for sure, made me want to read it!

Chapter 1 I think that it was a really good intro to the story. I think that content wise you're golden and I think that you made the story really interesting. I think that it was really strong. Sometimes however your sentences are slightly choppy, but it didn't really take away from the story as a whole!

Finally, original fiction from the comment swap. Are those angels I'm hearing?

This sounds really interesting, and the beginning is great. It's a fantastic start to the beginning of a story, it definitely makes me want to read more. But, don't be afraid to slow the story down some more and explain on the feelings. My best advice is show everything and don't focus on on telling us. Slow down, explain everything to the point where you're practically spelling it out, and then everything would be perfect.

But, don't get the wrong idea, I really love this start.

The opening definitely caught my attention, but I have to agree with the comment below. I felt rushed. I feel as though you're probably trying to build suspense here with the idea of this mysterious man, and the best way to build suspense in a story is to build a lack of certainty for your character. Make things that are ordinary seem suspicious. Slow down, focus on descriptions, and try to show us rather than tell us. How does Devon react when Hades grabs her? Show us through her actions rather than just writing that she was afraid. It adds more substance.

I’m here from comment swap. It’s an interesting start, but there are a few adjustments I think that could make things even better. I think the first thing is to vary your sentence structure. Most of your sentences are Subject Verb, and heavy on the use of ‘be’ verbs. Try starting things off a dependent clause or prepositional phrase to break things off. Right now the action is a little listy. This happened, and then this happened and it was like this, which isn’t the most interesting read. You tell us a lot of things instead of showing them. Don’t be afraid to slow the story down a little bit. Focus on how the situation is making your characters feel and react. Hades’ grabs her hands, you say Devin’s scared. Instead, try showing. Mention his hands are cold, how heart skips a beat, and the breath catches in her throat. It’s a much better connection to the text and far more interesting to read than Devin was freaked out.

Dear a DreamersKiss,

It took time to find you, we asked the dreamers where you were. We asked them for days, but their cheeks would burn and they would cover their eyes with their lids. Finally one dreamer revealed your hiding place, thus we are here. The King has sent us. We are the Knights of Comment Swap.

One of the Knights doesn't like your title very much, he says it calls to the imagination of Greek myths and history but it does not connect to your story. He has been an avid reader of history since the King began teaching him the Art of Reading. The details, the facts, the moments of drastic change, the love of one's own, the corruptions of rotting empires and the renewal freshness of new ones.

The other Knights, however, are after your imagery.

There are moments of intensity in this first scene, they come out obviously past the mundane life moments. It's awesome.They could become more intense. For example, if you bring the setting in before the man drives over we get a more grounded perspective. We are already imagining the scene around the girl. Thus, when the new characters show up we have more time to absorb what they do.

Also the first sentence is interesting. It could be better with some play on sentence length: "This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Also show us more than you tell. Let dialogue speak for itself. Let scenes speak for themselves. Bring more detail and imagery into your story. So instead of:
"The air was crisp while the leaves were falling in shades of red and orange. The sky was the perfect in between of light and dark. Devon loved this time of night. It was perfect for her nighttime runs. Her older brother and guardian, David, always grumbled when she pulled on her black running shoes.He didn't like her running at night and he stopped voicing his opinion once Devon started running later at night just to spite him.That's how Devon was. She wanted what she wanted and she usually got it."
Perhaps:
"The crisp air swayed, pulling along leaves of red and orange. Bright and real. The sky blended of light blue and navy. Swirling and fading. Devon raced through the depleting light. Strong and happy. Her brother at home, always letting her go and worrying of her freedom, he never understood her love of pace, he was her guardian. Brave and strung."

Bring in imagery, let the details from your mind flood the pages. Let your characters' fill the pages like their minds are filled.

One huge thing that's bogging down your legendary tale is cliches.

Cliches are those familiar plots, characters, scenes, phrases and stories. They are over used which makes them cliche. The familiarity of them, however, draws us to them. Avoid them! You are an Author Warrior! Fight these cliches off for your legendary tale, fight them off to show your true mind, let not the evils of cliches guide your story. Take your story by the hand and take it to the mountains and heights of wherever you please.

Use original dialogue when the two meet, their meeting should be as unique as they are.

If the boy is rambling-show us. We want to meet him, want to see what he would ramble about, want to see him confused. Just as your characters are meeting each other, the readers and Knights are meeting them as well.

If the way Damien says his name is strange, describe it instead of saying it is "strange." Or maybe let the characters talk about it, or laugh about it.

Your end sentence is very dramatic. We love it.

We hope you can bring in more details into your story, and we plan to read the rest.

Bring your amazing idea forth.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

I really like this story. Although I've seen wuite a few about Greek mythology, I still find it interesting how many different perspectives and modifications people make to modernise it.
Keep this up, I will definitely be back to read more chapters!

Hey comment swap!

Wow this story was really interesting. I love Greek mythology so it really caught my attention in the summary. It has good flow beside a few sentences that are cut off but otherwise really good. I love the story and am really excited to read more.

Comment swap! :)

I must say, I really enjoyed the first chapter! Greek mythology has never really caught my interest, but I think this story definitely has potential! The only critiques I have right now are on the layout (good layouts just make everything look more sleek and organized!) and that in some of your sentences you're cutting the sentence off short by throwing in a period where as a comma would make it flow better. It makes things seem a little choppy and difficult to read.
Hope this helps!

Hi from comment swap!
Wow! Love this! The imagery was great - I feel like I can absolutely picture what you're talking about. And I love your writing style. I also really love the words that you choose to use to describe things - it makes everything feel much more real. Your sentences are strung together really nicely, and it makes for great reading.

Kudos! Awesome story!

Hi from comment swap!
Wow! Love this! The imagery was great - I feel like I can absolutely picture what you're talking about. And I love your writing style.
Awesome story!

Comment Swap :)

Wow, what an amazing story! I love mythology stories as well, and this is great.

THe imagery was great. There were little to no grammar mistakes :) so that's a plus.
Keep up the good work!!!

Comment Swap :)

Wow, what an amazing story! I love mythology stories as well, and this is great.

THe imagery was great. There were little to no grammar mistakes :) so that's a plus.
Keep up the good work!!!

~Comment Swap~
I like the plot of this so far; I really dig stories relating to mythology. I will admit that it seemed a bit rushed at the beginning but the first chapter was a great starting off point, and I like that you do both points of view and not just Devon's. I especially liked the scene in the park when Damien shows her his power: the last two sentences were just great. It was all good imagery and showed a little bit of who Damien is. Good luck with this; I hope you keep writing. (:

Nom nom nom nom nom nom.
Know what that is?
No?
It's me eating your book because I want it to be reallll!
Oh my god I love it.
I'm supposed to give you constructive advice, but all I can do is gush! And gush I shall!
I LOVE IT!
I am in love with this book!
But Devon's name makes me think of cheap ham.
Other than that I'm totally in love with this!!

Oh dang. This story just keeps getting better and better. :D At first when I got this on comment swap I was expecting it to be a Percy Jackson rip-off, but boy was I wrong. I love Damien and how he's such a questionable person in general, actually having those sadistic drives that might come from being a son of Hades. Devon's great at well, and she's so chill, they compliment each other well as a main character duo. Also I applaud you for not explaining that Devon's parents are dead right off the bat, it gave her a chance to develop as a character beyond "I'm an orphan whaaaaaaa" like some stories I've read. I really do love this, I'll have to keep following it. o3o

I got this off of comment swap.

This isn't what I normally like to read, so I only read the first couple of chapters. Like the person below said, you were really creative with how you did the greek mythology. Most stories like this are fairly similar, but this one is different which is good. There were a few grammer mistakes, but nothing major that I saw.