July 25th, 2012 at 12:23am
I really truly love the idea of this. A few years ago, me and a couple of my friends had to do a project about what would we each do with a million dollars. Needless to say, it turned out something a lot like what you're writing! :)
While the idea is certainly a fun one, especially to read over vacation, theres a few things I noticed when I was reading it. Though not too much description isn't necessarily a bad thing, there were times where you completely disregarded quotation placement and so it was difficult to figure out if something was meant as a quote or a description. Also on the quotes, just be sure that you make a new indentation whenever a new person is talking so not to confuse the reader. And lastly, like in the first chapter, "Lol" isn't exactly a word. Unless you used it to emphasize how she talks, it might be better to just write that she laughed.
Otherwise, the characters remind me a lot of my friends and it's just a nice and fun story to read:) good luck with this and I hope you continue working on it!! <3
Try watching how many exclamation marks are used. Instead try finding words to explain how excited the character is. Also, chat speak shouldn't be used unless the character is using some form of technology, i.e. texting or email.
I would suggest trying to use more description. In the beginning you jump right into the story, which isn't a bad thing, but it would have been nice to know what the characters looked like or what they are doing. It helps form a picture in someones mind, and get a feel for the characters.
One last thing is I saw a lot of was, "I said", "he said", "she said", at the end of dialogue. Using different words such as "she screamed", or "I cried", or "he mumbled" will add emotion to your characters so they seem more 3D, instead of 2D. Using "said" is very one-dimensional, and you can't explain emotion as clearly.
Other then that it seems like a story with a lot of promise and I hope you continue working on it!