June 28th, 2012 at 01:17pm
Tentacles is such a strange name. I think it would have been nice if you made it obvious in the summary that it was a name and not simply tentacles, a noun.
...knew no one in the state--let alone the tiny town... - here the "--" should be a comma.
... forced her tears back--she was not about to give... - and here, they should be a semicolon. I think it would be worth your time to look up on Google or something when to use commas and when to use semicolons, as you use "--" a lot throughout the story.
...may Benevolence over me... - to me that doesn't make much sense.... Perhaps you mean "may Benevolence (whoever that is) watch over me"?
Instead of using "@@@" it might be nicer to use a page divider. You can find them on Mibba in the forums and also elsewhere on the internet, and I'm sure there will be one suited to your story. It just looks more professional.
I don't quite understand the sudden change to a first person point of view....
Next you have two HUGE paragraphs. You definitely need to space those out, break them up somehow, because that is really difficult to read. There are also a few other paragraphs later on that are pretty big, so think about splitting them up too.
Hopefully the con crit is helpful :)
i see a lot of grammatical and capitalization errors, and in the first sentence of the second paragraph i don't necessarily understand the term "metaphorical feathers". the term "micro-adjustments" also confuses me, and i feel like just "adjustments" would have worked fine. to me, the entire second paragraph is just confusing. the whole story is just very hard to read.