In You I Taste God - Comments

I'm incredibly glad I got this for comment swap, considering its emotional punch. As any reader, I have my favorites and not-so-favorites. I'll start with my dislikes. As a native Spanish speaker, I could not take Diablo's name seriously. I've never, in my life, ever met a person named Diablo (only a horse). I liked the little hint that he was the 'devil' and she the 'angel'. He was somehow destined to fail and screw up, while she was expected to be perfect like an angel. Yet, the name does not seem realistic enough for him. If it had been a small nickname he had gained, then I'd be perfectly fine with it, but as a real name? I couldn't buy it. I also think that the name Ava has to do with angles, am I correct? I see the connection, but you could've also used Lucifer or Luciano (considering how similar they sound).

As for your writing, it was very smooth and easy to read. I like the fact that you delved into Ava's second thoughts and Diablo's anxieties. She thought he made her feel too perfect while she knew she wasn't. At one point, I even noticed that he said that it didn't matter. That they could 'make her more perfect'. I felt the emotional turmoil and the emotional shift inside of Diablo - and Ava's need to just feel... human. That's what I perceived.

The only small thing that really made the whole emotional souffle deflate was the small transition between angry Diablo and nearly-dead-Ava. I think the paragraph made no justice to the prior explanation on the story, as if the small description and lack of more profound thoughts and emotions going through their head made it feel a bit rushed.

The ending took the cake, because I expected him to -well- beat her. Pull her hair. Call her a miserable bitch. I didn't expect that outcome to happen at all. Yet, the one thing that really made me go "Whyyyy" was when Ava apologized as well. I get it, they were profoundly in love. She's an angel and she forgives but. But. He practically just killed her. Maybe she was begging for her life, as in "I'm so sorry too please save me oh god" way, but I doubt it.

The title basically explains the story once you're done with it. It's been such a long time since I've read a title that really connects with the story, but the reader only notices once they're done reading it. I think Diablo's obsession rooted from the fact that he had committed so many mistakes and wrongs, that no matter what Ava did, she'd never compare. The part where Diablo gets a razor out and decides to die with her? This only further emphasizes in his obsession, all while poor Ava was caught in between it all.

All in all, I think that was a very good one-shot. With that flowery layout, I was definitely not prepared to read about a suicide/homicide story. Excellent job.

Wow! That's all I can say for this. This was magnificent. Your details were good (could have a used a bit more clarity) but it gave me a vivid picture in my mind about what was going on. I love the over-obsessive personality you gave Diablo. It just added so much depth. Over all, I think it was brilliant. I applaud you! :D

I think a bit could be done to make this story even better. While there is definitely emotion here, I think that adding a bit more detail about what they're feeling and making this a bit longer could definitely make those emotions a lot stronger. I felt like the ending came on a bit too quickly and there wasn't enough description to know what was exactly going on.

Other than that, I don't think it was garbage. I particularly liked when they were arguing and how Diablo got angry, as I think everyone can relate to doing things they don't mean to when mad.

Brought to u by comment swap(: I've semi-heard of the band but I'm completely unaware of the song. That being said, I still really liked it. The unfortunate way the layout is set does cover the first two paragraphs but I still got into it. Finally, this is in no way garbage, just saying.

I want to start by saying I personally think you’re wrong. It’s not garbage at all. I mean, it could certainly use a bit of polishing, sure, but the concept is strong. I would love to see it developed into a fuller length story, but at the same time think it is great how it is. It’s rough because so many of us have been in such similar positions, so it really has a vast appeal to a large audience, but I really like it. I think it is definitely worth keeping on your page, because it is a good, quick sample of your style with a really interesting story line. Hope too see your other stories go off of hiatus. :)

So first of the flower in the layout cuts off the first paragraph and it make me a little frustrated that I hade to struggle to read it. Otherwise, your writing is really good. I could feel for Ava and believe that the situation she's in is realistic and relatable. The only complaint I have is that at the end she says she's sorry. I feel like after what happened and what situation she was in she wouldn't feel that way. Great job!

At the top of the page the flowers in the layout are blocking the words.
His name is actually Diablo? What parent would possibly name their son that?
Anyway, I don't get how the title relates to the actual body of the story.

I don't want to restate what was already said below. My main issue was that I couldn't read the first part of the paragraph because of the chosen background.

I thought the tension in their arguments was fantastic though. I could almost hear them arguing.

This was...uh, sad, to say the least. I lack a better word. I have been both where Ava and Diablo have been, so that makes the story relatable to me and probably other readers, and that's great! I like the developement through the chapter. You gave enough information that we could fully understand where Ava was coming from and that's important.

I think your writing was also very great :) Good descriptions, simple and flowing sentences. I only really saw one mistake:

Diablo do you not see what I do to people. It should be: Diablo, do you not see what I do to people?.

Other than that, this was really good. I certainly didn't expect either of them to die. You suprised me, that's awesome :) I'm also very impressed that this is based off of a song! That's amazing!

I think you could have used a different word for "smother", since you used it twice pretty close to each other. Just something to think about.

I feel too..under pressure. - that should be "I feel too... under pressure."

That was a pretty quick an intense change to the story. I'm a bit confused about why she is sorry. You made it very clear at the start that she was not in a good relationship and that she needed to get out of it, but at the end it seemed like she wanted to stay in the relationship after all, which was a bit contradicting.

Aww! It's so sweet and yet sad, bittersweet. You writing style is really good. I could see the characters clearly and your development with in one chapter is great. I didn't catch any errors with it and over all I have no complaints. Really good, keep it up and happy writing! :3