Deal - Comments

I actually thought the story plot was pretty cool. Just fix the grammar mistakes, and the other little bumps in the road. I would also look into getting a new layout, though. Keep writing :)

from the comment swap! for the prologue, i definitely think you nailed it in the sense of writing something that's intriguing enough to make people wanna keep going with the story. like, how'd she get in this situation, who are these people etc. i like what you're doing to candy's character as well! the layout makes the story hard to read for me just by how spaced out the paragraphs are. and i couldn't spot many grammar mistakes which is good! aside from in the prologue, at the end of dialogue, you'd do a period instead of a comma like - "I told you, I don't know. I haven't heard from them in weeks, I don't know." she managed to choke out in between her quiet sobs. - but that's a small thing. good luck with your story!

I'm hooked, this is great! I can't believe how much I like this, typically I would be hesitant with this type of story, but I fell in love with Candy. I can't wait to read more, I will be recommending and subscribing! I can't wait to see where you take this.

This is a very interesting story. I loved the first part where we really had no idea what was going on, but within the next chapter we learned more! I definitely was on the edge of my seat after reading the info. You have a very great way of dragging the reader in! The layout was nice, it told me instantly that the title was probably implying a drug deal. You've got a really strong, legit plot that as weird as society is today, I could definitely see something like this happening!

I think this is a really fantastic, solid concept. The plot is strong and has me wanting much more! I can’t wait for the next part. Your style is great and flows very nicely. Also, I think your layout is completely fitting. I love the character development so far and am thrilled to see where things go from there!

(Comment Swap) Even this short text probbaly put this into clear light.
It's a dark layout, but I guess it fit the story.
Not exactly the kind of story I'd choose.
(Chapter 1)
It's Center oriented, like a poem, as if to sugar coting?
Too far from the lines, making it look much longer, not enjoyable.
The story is just as dark, as the first impression told me, it would be.
The narative seems to work, anf the spoken language goes with the territory, which's not very nice at all.
This is a place, I really don't want to be reminded of.

The name is PERFECT! And the layout is AMAZING! You can totally tell that you have this story pretty much mastered. I already feel pitty on Candy and the prologue makes me extremely angry that you only have three chapters.

Comment Swap: I like the idea you have, I like your writing style and you grammar and punctuation are great too but it's not my sort of read. I don't normally read stories like this and I don't find that this story is going to change that. Keep writing though, you are honestly a great writer!

and another from comment swap. :P

This was definitely out of my usual read, and usually I wouldn't even had continued reading the story after the first chaper, but there is something about the main character Candy, that caught my interest, maybe it's her past, or the fact that subconsciously she wants to make something out of her life but can't bring herself to take the first step. But she is a character, I would really love to see grow in this story.

The plot line is very interesting and mysterious as well. Again, way out of my comfort zone, but I think for Candy, I am willing to give this story a try.

Keep writing. :)

Another from comment swap- the subject is a little different from what I usually read, but this story actually seems pretty interesting. I wouldn't mind reading more. I like the balance between inner thoughts, dialogue, and background info.

I came from the comment swap!
I like your prologue, it's short and sweet without giving too much away.
Your prologue totally grabbed my attention and made me want to read more, especially considering I haven't even started reading yet and Candy's already about to die!

I liked that you didn't spend a ridiculous amount of time overdoing the details about her job as a stripper.

Great prologue, short, yes, but powerful. I mean you don't hold back. I understand that the situation is bad straight away, we want to know what happened to make it this way.

I also like Candy's character. It's a very realistic character, she's flawed, but everyone is. Love that she owns up to being vain.
I like the mature angle you took on the being a striper. Again makes it feel more real, therefore easier to imagine.

I like the layout and everything, the color green is awesome, when I read, 'Rated R for drugs sex and violence," I went, "Ohh, heheheheh."
I liked everything about it, the dialogue is pretty believable. (Everyone can write dialogue well except me).
Your descriptive powers are pretty good and I could picture everything OK.
Keep going. c:

I actually really like the layout, it's got a very unique flavour to it, aha. But the only thing is the title, maybe if you put a border around it, it would be clearer to see? Other than that, it's really cool! :3

I like how we're immediately thrust into the action, I hate boring info-dump descriptions so reading this was really refreshing, and it definitely got the adreneline pumping early on and immersed me into the story. You've got some good imagery I think, with the room and how I can definitely picture the dingy sort of disgusting room you were going for, again, that's really awesome! It's not a premise I've seen a lot more, and the themes especially make it a very unique read, I think. Not a lot of people write about the drug world but I think it could make for a very interesting story, that you've got here.

The only things I found, the dialogue tags are incorrect (instead of a period in the quote, it should be a comma) and the semicolan during the waves of pain part should be just a regular comma.

Otherwise, it's a really great prologue and I think it really sets that sort of fast paced, thrilling, adreneline high pace for the story! c:

(Comment Swap)

Layout - 4/5 stars. I liked the layout although I would've preferred the background to be a little less transparent. Thankfully, I didn't have any trouble reading it, and I didn't find any of the colors/fonts/pictures you used to be overtly distracting.

Grammar/Spelling - 5/5 stars. I'm a total grammar nazi, but I didn't find any mistakes. Congratulations! Stories are so much better when the grammar is spot on.

Characterization - 3/5 stars. At this moment, Candy seems too flat and stereotypical. She doesn't really seem like an original character because she fits the stereotype was perfectly. Candy needs something unique added to her personality, some extra quirks and habits, that will make her seem like a full character. I'm really interested in seeing how she develops. Remember to be weary of turning Candy into a Mary Sue; she toes the line already, and could easily end up as one without careful handling.

Writing Style - 4/5 stars. Your writing style is very clear and concise. It was easy to follow and flowed well. As a matter of personal preference, I prefer frillier, more detailed styles. However, I did enjoy reading this. You didn't skip on descriptions, even if you removed the inane extra details, and the final product was a 'no-funny-business' kind of style that really matches the subject matter.

Plot - 4/5 stars. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about the plot yet. You've only posted one chapter, and I don't want to call this too soon. However, I adored the prologue. It really builds up the suspense, and it leaves your reader really wanting to know what happens next.

Overall Impression - 4/5 stars. Overall, this was a really great piece. I'm subscribing, and I can't wait to read more. ^.^

This isn't my usual type of story, but honestly I have no qualms with it. Your style of writing is fine, as is your grammar characterization, and plot. You've got an interesting concept here, and your first chapter gives Candy the intro she needs to let is know how she ended up where she is. You've done a good job with this so far. Keep it up, I wish you the best of luck!

This is beautiful! Wonderfully descriptive. It can usually become too much, but it really wasn't. The very first paragraph of your prologue really draws the reader in. Suspense (to me) is key. You want to know more!

The last paragraph of chapter one was kind of heart-breaking. You know when, sometimes, you almost feel the sadness of the character in your heart? I don't know how better to explain it, but that's what I felt - that I could personally feel Candy's pain.

Really, really good. Subbing. x

Comment swap sent me here, and boy, am I glad it did...this is fantastic! I'm hooked. Defiantly subscribing. Please upload soon!:) I love the layout, Especially the banner. Simple yet creative. Please upload soon I'm dying to know what happens next!:)

Comment Swap asked me to read the story again and I think this is a really neat idea for a story, I really do hope you keep this up; I think it's a really first few chapters! Well done! I'm going to recommend this too.

Hey I just read both chapters and I do think the story is good. Its important to establish the situation and where the character falls and I think you did a great job of that in this chapters. I think you are detailed when describing what exactly Candy is doing and whats going on through her head. I'm curious to see how the guy enters her life. The only thing I can say is I like smaller writing better but that's just a personal preference of mine.