July 25th, 2012 at 03:57am
The layout is lovely, I'm jealous really. I've tried going with a similiar concept when making layouts but I always get frustrated and it just doesn't work out well.
Becareful with how you word things, try to keep it all written in the same way. (I think that's what I'm trying to say.) There's a sentence where the first half of it is past tense and then the second half is present. It's a bit confusing and makes me go "Whoa? What? Oh, okay I get it now." Also be careful with run on sentences.
I really really really like, how you're portraying a plot like this. This isn't some crazy, scene teen, who's like "Oh mah gawd, I met this guy online and he's damn right sexy." You're writing it realistically. Your characters are real, with situations that are possible and that could actually happen, I love it!
Your first few lines could use some touching up, it didn’t quite intrigue me, but the second paragraph got me excite and I kept reading. You lack some descriptions in certain areas, just remember that you have to trap us in your story and stop us from wondering off. There are also spots that seem to skip as if it was a scratched disk. Read this out to yourself aloud and see if you can notice what I have. Using a lot more similes will add to your characters profile, mention key items like clothing, shoe laces that need tying, the way their hair is done or if their rooms are clean. Slowly build a character one brick at a time and you’ll keep the reads following you.
That’s for the read.