July 2nd, 2012 at 12:24am
This is amazing. The writing is very different. I love how it's such a different style and how it definitely sounds like an older person is talking. I think you capture Miss Minnie beautifully.
You really pulled me in, I can't wait to find out what kind of events happened. I can't wait to find out more.
Some things I noticed:
When he greets her as Miss Minnie.
"Miss Minnie,
should be
"Miss Minnie."
When he greets her as Mrs. Lockwood.
"Mrs. Lockwood,-"
should be
"Mrs. Lockwood-" (But, truthfully, I am not sure if there should be a period. I don't believe so.)
And you forgot a to in this sentence:
"She got herself a job at the nearby factory working morning shifts so she could time it well enough to take us to school...
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a grammar or punctuation Nazi. They are merely suggestions. But your writing is extremely amazing. This story is fabulous.
Can't wait for more!
I will admit though, after hearing the way you talk about layouts I was taken aback by this. It's so plain, and I can barely even see the title background!
But it is a great story and I subbed, so I hope for frequent updates!! :)