Ok, thanks 4 the advice!
July 15th, 2012 at 01:54am
Okay. I like the story line but here is some advice for future reference. (I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to be helpful).
1. Work on the grammar. When you have someone thinking and talking in the same paragraph and using quotation marks for both it gets kind of confusing. I like to use this: ' for when they're thinking.
2. Try to be more descriptive and tell how the characters are feeling and how they look. Adjectives never hurt anybody.
3. Again, for grammar: When a new person talks, always start a new paragraph. When you finished someone talking put a comma at the end instead of a period unless it's a question mark or a exclamation point.
So that's all the tips I have fro reading this. Other than that, with a little work, you could become a LOT better and get more readers and such! Or at least, get more readers like me. I like having stories that are relatively easy to understand :)