All Grown Up - Comments

Really powerful. Really really well-written. You're very good at descriptions and at having characters that aren't just one dimensional. This was hard to read at some points but I think you were able to highlight the most important thing as being the relationship between Trace and his sister. I liked it, good job!

Oh my goodness. I don’t know really where to start aha. I enjoyed the reading though hetero is not much of my taste. Your characters went very smoothly and they didn’t seem to break away from their personality or become sue like which was a pleasant joy. I’ve seen this idea many times before where the brothers best friend goes after the sister and all but you played it well and it flowed liked a very, very smooth river. I liked that you aren’t one of those people who use the word length over and over again or the word manhood because that is honestly silly there. I didn’t become attached to Olivia and the story didn’t give me any sort of strong emotions, connections or feels but it was a good read and I think it would be nice if you add another chapter and have this into a story since she didn’t say what happened to her and even if she did it would have been an amazing cliff hanger! Praise! I don’t have many complaints really, your grammar was good, as well was your spelling and punctuation. All in all this story wasn’t bad to read in all honesty.

This was hard to read, but that being said, I knew it was good writing because of that. I didn't want to keep going because I knew that I cared about the main character, and having to see what was done to her, blow by blow, it... It vaguely disturbed me. I don't know. But I am here from comment swap, so I had to read it, and I'm glad I did. Sometimes things that are hard to read can really make you think, and this really did.

Keep writing. I'm going to go watch something Disney. :P

No. I expected this as soon as Ryder came into the room but then it didn't feel that way when they were sitting and talking but then it got all sexual. I legit went "ahhhh. No poor girl." Not that I need a trigger warning but I don't know this so hit me hard. He got her after her mother died and just ruined her even more, that hit me really hard. I liked it, and I also like how you made it real with her not telling her brother because it real life a lot of the time victims won't tell anyone at all. :( I liked it, it was a good read.

Your theme doesn't match ): I see what colour scheme you were going for but the background colour is a shade or two off.

I don't like how, in the first paragraph, she says 'I will' rather than 'I'll'. There seem to be any reason why she would be putting emphasis on that, and it makes the speech seem slightly unnatural.

and rolled my eyes. He may be my older brother kind of an abrupt place to use a full stop, try substituting for a semi colon or comma.

Yo have nice details about their lives, little, interesting snippets, but the time scale they are presented in is quite rushed. Skipping from TV to tired etc. without any real emotion being indicated.

Trace must’ve drank a bit too much tonight the emphasis of italics would be better suited to 'too' rather than 'a bit'.

Either Ryder was staying the night over here, or Trace was at his house. this sentence is slightly confusing. I understand what you are trying to say, but at first reading I easily misinterpreted as the present, as in, Trace could have been at his house right then which would have contradicted previous statements. I feel this sentence should be conjoined to another and added to in order to remove this slight confusion, as even with the comprehension of its meaning it's a bit of a black sheep.

One thing that hit me unrealistic about the sex is the fingering. First times are infamous for being uncomfortable and painful and I find it a little... odd? That it went so well. It doesn't make sense in my head aha.

I noticed she didn't actually get changed before running to the bathroom, and it's a little disconcerting to think of that scene if she is naked. I also find it hard to believe Trace would have heard her if he was 'asleep' as he was in previous scenes and that if he had been awake, he would have heard the sex.

I liked this, it was enjoyable to read but I think you should re-read it and assess how coherent and realistic it is at times. Keep writing <3

They way you write is just amazing, I love how you put everything together and how you made Ryder the good boy at first and then bad and at the end you made him in between. Your writing is so clean, I mean no mistakes and such a great description. I can't wait to see what happens next. And cause I am here for the comment swap, I will have to write more at the comment so please Ignore everything from here.
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I did not expect that rape. At all. I was starting to like Ryder too. Thought maybe they'd date... then he raped her. Way to ruin that fantasy. But it was still Fan-Frikkin-Tastic. I like it, and you can better your lightning scar (I'm a potterhead) that I'll be subscribing. Keep it up. And like update everyday if you can... It'd be much appreciated. (You don't really have to update everyday O_O I was lying!)

Gah! KAJGKASJDASJDS~ Just. Can. Not. Even! I knew Ryder was bad news! I so called it from the moment she opened her door. Hell, from the moment I clicked on his picture, and thought, "Gods, he's a pretty baby." I knew he was bad news! Just... Arrg! I was reading this thinking: "Rape? No, rape. Rape? Yes, rape. Rape? Gods, this story is such a mindfuck!" Then I realized that it was totally going to be rape, and was going to hate Ryder and that I was going to have to leave a crazy, rambling comment like this one. Just why? Why can't we all love one another? I felt so bad for Olivia, and oddly, I felt so bad for Trace because his best friend was totally be betraying him right up the stairs. Just "so sad, too bad" situation all around.

So yea, good job writing this.

I like it your writing style is straightforward and easy to understand. The text flowed nicely. It even made me blush while reading so you've definitely nailed the ..uh... intimacy aspect. Anyways hope you make a sequel because you know 'until next time' ;)

Is this a one shot i'm really disappointed if it is i could totally see this being a full length story. I actually really liked this and i love how much detail you put into everything. I must admit from the start of this story and even the title this is not what i expected it would be, but either way very nice job :)

Wow. Just ... Wow.
This was really good. I felt like I crying with her, though! But that's a good thing.
Firstly, I want to commend the fact that you wrote this really well, and you wrote the sex or rape scene very well without having to use gross language. It was very literary and very good.
Anyways, I quite liked it and I'm interested in seeing if there will be a sequel?

It's interesting to say the least. It is well written and had me reading more and more into it. I like how you weren't afraid to actually go into it unlike some writers. I like how you make it to where it's going to be good, but then totally twist it around. You're writing skills in this story is simply amazing.

I'm torn on if I really loved this or not. Dx I love smut, dammit, but the whole time I was like, "Rape. Rape." But no...I liked this.

You weren't afraid to use "naughty" words, which I commend. (: I was just so startled by how quickly it came on. I thought it was a feel-good until stuff started going down.

I think you did a good job. I didn't notice any spelling errors, and your style fits the genre. :3

oh my fucking god. i loved this so much. seriously, though. i love your use of description and the way your write. so so so good. also, question, since Ryder said "until next time." is that hinting at a sequel to this one-shot? if not, i think you should do another one, like a follow up. :) -A