This was...short and really cliche. The punctuation was a bit much too. One quotation mark is plenty. The sentences and the plot was very choppy; one minute they're outside and then the next they're in the castle. Try to make smoother transitions between places. And this isn't NC17 material. They hinted at sex, but since it wasn't a descriptive sex scene or anything you can probably safely rate this at PG.
The biggest advice I would give you right now for your one-shots and writing is to slow down the pace and take it easy. Take time to describe what's happening in a story. Place yourself into the minds of your characters and give them life; what is this character seeing? What is important to this character? What should she be thinking while at the Quidditch match? Even short stories need some development behind it, even though it's not a full blown chaptered novel.
The biggest advice I would give you right now for your one-shots and writing is to slow down the pace and take it easy. Take time to describe what's happening in a story. Place yourself into the minds of your characters and give them life; what is this character seeing? What is important to this character? What should she be thinking while at the Quidditch match? Even short stories need some development behind it, even though it's not a full blown chaptered novel.