The Uniter of Aram - Comments

This is amazing and I am going to recommend and subscribe right now! The whole idea of this story is right up my alley and if it was a book, it is something I would buy. I already love the strength Reyna exudes in her character and I'd love to see how things go with Caden. Sure, you never know what could happen!For some reason, this story and your writing remind me of Kristin Cashore who writes great fantasy books!Keep up the good work!

So you've definitely found yourself a new subscriber! I loved it! I can not wait till you update! The layout, the writing, EVERYTHING, was amazing. I don't now how many times I can say that I loved it, but I really did. The one thing that really made this story was the way you described it. I could picture everything just like I could in one of my favorite a published books. I hope you continue with this, it's just too good.

Excuse my lack of formality -- but DUDE this is awesome! I need to calm down for a second.

So, starting with the layout, it's basically fantastic. The photo is exactly how you describe Reyna in the story, as well as the setting. The font and colors are simplistic but appropriate, and they both work well with the story.

The content is just as great, if not even better. I'm a sucker for original fiction, but especially fantasies. You've explained the setting and spirit of the time very well, and I can tell everything is thought out. This is one of those settings that I can only wish I lived in, so I love you for that. I already love your characters as well. The dialogue and actions between them is natural, which is sometimes hard to accomplish. I did spot a few grammar/spelling errors, but I can tell they're just typo's and little mistakes. Who doesn't have those?

I do have to agree with the comment below regarding the ages of the characters. The part where you explain the aging process and all is a bit confusing, but I think it's because we don't know exact ages. That shouldn't be hard to fix, though.

Overall, I love this. I love comment swap for it's unexpected surprises. Keep writing, please! I'll definitely check back with you :)

You're a very descriptive writer, and you use a lot of details that make your story memorable (ie, the bit about her braiding orange and yellow into her hair to show she is royalty, or...)

One thing I am confused about is the age of the main character. Her father is at least 1000 years old, but she comes off as almost teenager sounding. Maybe you could work her age in where you talk about how long she's been training, something like "My ___ birthday passed today/last month/etc, marking 12 years of my training" As a reader, it just bothered me not knowing how old she is, especially since aging is not the same in this world and you explain that in such great detail.

You use a lot of color imagery (ie, red walls, black lace, purple dress) and I think your writing would have a little more pizazz if you tried to incorporate some metaphors. Are the walls blood red, or the shade of a newly blossomed rose for example?

You picked very interesting names in this story, a lot of them are biblical, and I think that's a great use of irony, seeing as how this story occurs in the future in a dystopian kind of land. The names help create the sense that this story takes place in another world.

The way you ended chapter two definitely drew me in- I want to know what they're hiding, so I'm subscribing =]

Oh, and just one little error I noticed.
"This is were the provoking came in."
Where?

I love a good dystopian future story! Occasionally you overuse words--"my room was a very large room" instead of simplifying it to "my room was very large". A fair number of your sentences could use simplifying--not that your writing is in any way bad, just sometimes wordy in a way that makes the idea more confusing.

"They where in their normal attire, long red robes with golden sashes that outlined their bodies enhancing the sparkle that was embedded into their skin."
It should be "they were", chapter 2. Also, I'm hoping this idea of sparkle skin will be explained later?

Be careful with verb tense--it's a very common mistake to make. Just be aware of it.

I'm really excited to see what happens next in the story. I recommended it and have subscribed. Just make sure you pay attention to the grammar as well as the storyline! :)

Right off in the first paragraph you change tense mid sentence; "i kicked the knee and watched as my opponent fall to the ground face down." You wanna use fell there.

Your first chapter gives good insight into your maim character and her world, which is something you really need in a story based in such a time with this type of setting. So you handled that rather well. Overall this seems very pleasant and fun. I wish you the best of luck with it!

Kristen, I love this so much, the layout and the picture work. I think it's interesting how they moved away from technology and, in most of our eyes, seemingly regressed. I had a hard time understanding the exact Sons of Liam thing, but I'm also tired and I'm sure it'll come together soon. Keep writing<3

This is an interesting start. Your characters and set up are interesting and I can;t wait to see where it all goes. However, when you're saying "he said" or something like that after a line of dialogue, it's something like, "I think we're done for the day, Reyna," he said instead of ". . . Reyna." He said." That's still part of the sentence.

I like the image, not sure how it relate to th4e story.
The layout seems ok by me.
(Chapter 2)
"sent out there was nothing" is "sent out, there was nothing" for emphasis.a and natural flow of words.
Some details are off.
Otherwise, the vocabulary is good.
Seems something is brewing in the shadows in this tale.
I hope to see just what, in the following chapters.
Some interesting names, I may add., lends to the mood of the story.
Also like the use of traditions and eticquet mentioned.
Guess we'll just have to wait and see, just what's to come?
This part does promis something, there's a potential, most definitely.
I guess the sence of mystery adds to it.
Just some more details may work well with the story, if shown now, or later?

Hey I'm here because of Comment Swap I'm glad it sent me to your story! I'm honoured to be the first person to comment on your story, I really do hope you keep this up; I think it's a really good story so far! I’m definitely going to recommend this story, I love the image you've chosen and the layout, I love the ideas so far, well done and keep up the good work!