Disturbed - Comments

comment swap: Wow this is amazing! You have a true talent for writing! I read the first chapter and I was immediately hooked. I ended up reading this all in one sitting. You manage to write about supernatural beings without sounding ridiculous which is hard to do. The story flows perfectly and your description paints a picture in the mind of the story. Perfect. I recommended and subscribed, keep writing please!

Comment swap. You need to watch out for switching tenses; you do it frequently between present and past. Also, you use double exclamation points sometimes, which is sort of needless and just makes it look sloppy. The layout was fine, although centering text is bad for the eyes and makes it more difficult to read. Maybe it was just me, but I couldn't get into it. The character wasn't at all relatable to me. He was like the stereotypical emo kid, plus vampire-diaries-edward-cullen-christian-grey swoon, plus some indeterminate super powers. I just couldn't care about him. Also, your quotations are a bit off--line breaks and punctuation, but I see someone else has already addressed that problem so I will say no more on it. Sorry to sound terse; just wanted to get in all my impressions on how it would be improved without writing too much. Cheers, and best of luck! :)

This story is still so good :) I am looking forward to the next chapter xD xxxx

omg read all 9 chapter in like half an hour! i got sad when there were none left!! super good story!! write more so i can read more!! lol

The new chapter is awesome, very well written. I can not wait for Chapter Ten xD xxx

You have a nice writing style, it's relatively easy to read from you. However I feel that this entire theme seems a little cliche, than again so does a lot. One thing I recommend is describing the though line a bit more. Telling us that Chase is depressed and wants to kill himself is a perfectly fine idea, just expand upon that. Why does he want to kill himself? I understand that the author needs to leave information for suspenseful purposes, but at least give us a little light.
I didn't notice any major grammar issues or anything. Overall I really like the plot, nicely done.

The story's pretty interesting.
I could see where it was going though, kinda.
But yes, definitely subscribing because I really, really want to know what's going to happen with Chase and Alyse.
It's an interesting story line. I don't think I've read something like this before on Mibba, which is a good thing.

Do update soon love!

Comment Swap Sent me!! : D

WOW! I really like this story! :)
I love the layout. It's awesome. I liked the introduction it was pretty good. This is really not something I read everyday but I'm going to keep reading it. The paragraphs look good, Spelling doesn't look so bad either. :) Overall good job!

+1 Recommendation
+1 Subscriber!

Good luck with the rest of your stories. Oh, and might I suggest adding characters!? :) Thanksies!

Ooo! This is amazing, it is getting better hunny :D I am so glad I subscribed now. Keep writing! Keep uploading! <3 xx

This is...interesting. The summary made me kind of hesitant, and really, I'm not one much for these types of stories. But I will admit there's a lot of potential here anyhow.

It started out well, but I was...a bit confused towards the end of chapter one. It was all jagged and sudden. The things that were happening felt incredibly rushed. I just didn't like how it lacked detail and was so sudden. Maybe that was your intention to make the reader carry on reading to know more, but personally, I just didn't like it. I think you could have given a little more but still kept it mysterious.
Now upon going into chapter two, I understood a little better, I think. I still think chapter one could have be written differently and still held the mystery, but I understood what was going on better when I went into chapter two. I do have to agree with others, though. Try describing teleportation differently and a bit more.

Into the grammar and writing sense of the story, the main thing I noticed was the way you tag your dialogue. It's highly improper. If you need help with the rules of dialogue, read this as it's helpful.
You're constantly missing periods or commas in things. For example:
“We are leaving in 5 minutes” my mom said startling me. She is sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper sprawled out in front of her. I looked in her general direction, and say "for what?” My confusion was evident but she only rolled her eyes.

“We are going to visit Ms. Penny”

You're missing both a comma and a period in that. It should be more like:
“We are leaving in 5 minutes,” my mom said startling me. She is sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper sprawled out in front of her.

I looked in her general direction, and say "For what?” My confusion was evident but she only rolled her eyes.

“We are going to visit Ms. Penny.”

Basically, this story could use a little work, yes, but you do have a good storyline in the works. I personally suggest you slow things down. You rushed. We know nothing of this character. How did he find out he has those powers? How did he tell his mom? Character background would be nice.
Otherwise, this is really good. I'm sorry if I seemed highly critical. If you need any help or more advice, send me a message as I would be glad to help. But good luck. (:

You show a lot of creativity, which I'm happy to see. This story not only has a great start, but very great potential in future chapters. I do agree with Sore Winner about the teleporting. Maybe try to describe it a bit more? But other than that, I have nothing else much to say. Well done!

this is deinately not what i usually read on here, but i dunno, i liked it. it's a bit isjointed and i cant really grasp the concept though... and th e teleportation thing really confused me.
its an interesting idea, but its really confusing, maybe you should slow it down a bit, and not rush it?
also, your layout is really bright. i had to use the default layout just to read it :(
i hope you dont think im picking faults, becasuse i did like it, it just confused me a bit.

i like the idea you have going for this story! i like the kind of internal fight he has with himself towards the end of chapter two, trying not to cry and telling himself he can't be weak. definitely interesting.

in the sense of grammar, etc i think something you should look out for is keeping your tenses consistent. in chapter two, "I look at her and began my rant", i feel like it should either be I "looked" at her, or "begin" my rant. just things like that make me pause a little during reading. good luck with your story!

Well, comment swap here!
I am already very intruiged, I saw the title on the story I have to comment on and immediately I went oo, this should be good.

I like the little sumary thing as well, adds and air of wanting straight away, I want to know what these powers are.

The only bad bit I have to say here is the Chapter bar at the botton, that really hurt my eyes, the blue on purple, I would suggest changing that. I am not trying to be nasty, just a bit of advice :D

Anyway, on to chapter one!

Chapter one -
Oh my, this is amazing. I love how you write, I love how I am sat here guessing, I just love it.

Chapter Two, hehe -
Oooo this is nice also. I love the emotion and it is quite relatable stupid shrinks with there stupid questions and stupid clown faces. I love it!

I can't believe there are only two chapters.
You need to write more!!

I will be recommending and subscribing!