The Ghosts We Leave Behind. - Comments

This seems more like a beginning chapter then a short story to be honest. Where's the experiences? What who passed? I would definitely consider writing it into a novel, or adding more details to make it a story. This also might work as a poem.

If you are going to skip from scene to scene, you need ques. Large spaces don't work very well. Try not to flip flop so much.

Your author's voice is very strong. Use it. Make this a story with details, make it a picture that a reader can see. Make us feel the emotions.

You have so much potential for this story!

Comment swap!

I really liked this; I think that your command of language is beyond reproach. The lack of detail sort of implies an emptiness, to me. Hollowness might be a better word? At any rate, I think that it does an excellent job of conveying a jaded, embittered narrator. This story is raw, and believable, and I hope that, if you decide to write more of it, it continues to be this excellent.

I think your general command of language is superb, but lacks a little bit of detail. I’m not sure if that was intentional or not, or if you get into more detail later because you want the beginning to be vague, but that’s how I feel on the subject.

I also feel that you’re skipping too much from scene to scene in such a short amount of space and number of words which makes things a bit confusing. The order of these ‘scenes’ could be changed around and combined, like putting the third section after the first and combining the two and leaving the death section for last. So if each section as you have it now was numbered 1, 2, 3, and 4 consecutively; then I would think it would make more sense being 1 and 3 combined, 2, and then 4.

No spelling mistakes! There's just one issue with capitalization which someone mentioned before, but other than that it's all good.

I love this. It's brutally honest and really hit a string with me. I do wish there was more to it because I want to know what happens. When you said, "when death comes knocking, No was not answer." I know the capilization is for emphasis but it's not proper and makes that sentence look choppy. Otherwise, it was very good! If you were to continue, I'd change the layout, personally. Good work!

First of all:
That’s what happens when Death comes into town before I do.
The personification of Death here is really interesting, and I like the image of someone rolling into town like in an old Western film. Very skillful writing.

It's quite a short piece, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it does leave me as the reader wanting a little more, to be honest.

There's no spelling or grammar issues and it's impressive writing.

Good luck with the contest!

Funny, I was going to enter this contest and decided against it, ahaha.

This was a really beautiful story. I loved how much emotion you put into it, and I could feel what she was feeling even though I've thankfully never been in that situation.

I didn't like the bolded and italicized words though, I'm not sure if they were something you had to do for the contest or if you just put it in, but I wasn't a big fan of it.

I also didn't love the layout, the background wasn't my favourite thing ever. I loved how it was readable, and I loved the page dividers though. They were lovely.

Overall, it was really lovely. Good luck with the contest lovely!

~Comment Swap~
So this was a really beautiful story. Very heartwrenching and real. This kind of situation happens all too often and the character felt very much alive to me. It's a great one-shot, and could alo become something much longer. Your word choices and descriptions were great and I saw noberrors that I can think of. Brilliant.
Good luck with your contest!

So far so good. And i'm sure people that have been in situations like this and tried to seek help have heard those horrible words "things like that don't happen here." i can only image the way they must feel. The only part i don't like is the repeating of "that town" in the beginning, it gets a little boring. But as i read on i felt intruged to read more. Keep it up !

I agree with the two comments below me xD I haven't been in this situation either and I find it quite easy to understand how she feels. I also love the way you describe the person who did it. "his menacing eyes, fake smile and calloused hands." how her overpowered her, like you said, as well. i also liked the part when you said "he will live with the guilt, with the pain of knowing. hopefully." that was very powerful to me.
fantastic story. great read:)

I found this on comment swap. I've only read part of it so far, but what I have read is amazing. It had that sad kind of beauty which is often hard to write, in my opinion anyways. You write it very well and like the comment below said it is easy to feel what she's feeling even if you've never been in that situation.

I found this short story to be very beautiful and, despite being broken up a lot, having wonderful flow and transition. Though I don't know in the least what that's like to go through, I could feel what the character felt, and could imagine the emotions she must have experience. This had begun happening at age 14 to her? That just breaks my heart; no wonder she doesn't want to go back.
Maybe I missed where it happened, but why was she going back? You mentioned Death so I assume maybe her father or another relative died? So she was going back for the funeral?
The title is perfect for the story and I absolute love the simplicity of the layout. Overall, a a beautiful job, and good luck on the contest! :)

This is a very interesting piece. I like how it's broken up into short and meaningful sections. The title, by the way, was wonderfully selected. Because of the shortness of the piece, it is difficult to connect to the main character, but I actually think you did a fantastic job. I felt her emotions, how she thought, why she thought, and her actions. Overall a very dark but compelling piece.

This was a really beautiful piece. I applaud your stylistic choice to bold certain words. It really showed just how serious her feelings about her past were. I loved the line about how 'no' meant nothing to her. The subtle psychological and emotional damage that is hinted at in that line is just fantastically on point. Everything about this was great, but the ending really got me; it was heartbreaking because it showed how the past had forever ruined her home for her. I think you did an excellent job capturing the brief flickers of emotion, recurring and consistently painful, that any abuse victim would feel when being forced to return to where it all happened. Bravo!