Splinter In My Eye - Comments

First of all, I LOVE Fall Out Boy and this song, so I am pleasantly surprised that comment swap brought me here. The premise of this story is adorable, but like most of the other comments have stated, I think development needs to happen to prevent the story from becoming a cliche. Losing somebody really takes it's toll on a person, and I think it's great that you're exploring it. I'd like to you delve more descriptively into the way that it affects Shane, but maybe that's just the psychology major in me! Nevertheless, good job! It was a fun read!

I like this. It's very cute, and with the theme of love-after-loss going on here, pretty refreshing to read. It's sweet and simple and fun to read. Your writing reflects this simplicity, and while I actually do like that, I feel like there could maybe be a little more to it. A little less 'tell,' and a little more 'show,' if that makes sense.

I do agree with the Comment Swap Knight down there that the plotline is cliche, but I don't think that it's inherently bad to be cliche, as long as you do something interesting with it. The Knight had some really good points about character depth and plotwork down there, and I don't think I could ever explain it better. :)

So, yes. Very cute, very fun to read. I liked this a lot - just be mindful of relying too heavily on tropes. ^^*

Yes. Your story was only 60% of the length of my comment.

I hope it helped. Writing it out, took- well you can imagine.

Yes. Your story was only 60% of the length of my comment.

I hope it helped. Writing it out, took- well you can imagine.

Dear notweirdbutunique,

The Knights of Comment Swap have been searching for you. The King has sent us. It was quite easy to find you once we clarified that you were not weird.

The King wanted to commend your title and layout. They match exceedingly well and cause us to cringe slightly when thought of together.

However, you have put the King into a deep coma, which he recently awoke from. The sole cause is the amount of cliches. This is why we were sent.

Although the King can spot grammar errors seventeen and a half pages away, this is not our primary focus today.

Fear not, the last thing the King beheaded was a chocolate bar. And his goals are entirely literary since he read the Hunger Games. We Knights disagree, for our years of martial arts are wasted, however he is our King and we do his bidding. Thus, we will list your cliches to aid you to move to more original thought.

The problem of cliches is that it causes readers and Knights alike to fall into a familiar pattern, of sometimes reading and sometimes skimming work. Cliches are familiar which makes them so easy to add into stories, however, a strong writer can spot them and move away from them, or switch on a unique twist.

The beginning of your story began with waking up the main character. -This is intriguing if your readers get a unique meeting with your character, the hero of the story. However, we get a boring view of just being late for class, a stereotypical lazy student who can't get over a loss, so she skips class.

It's fine if your main character is facing loss, but tell it in a way that is real, a way that isn't so familiar. Even though it's good not to be depressed, the character doesn't seem to be paying attention to their loss deeply, just kind of lightly. To clarify, her behavior in general towards her friend,teacher and the new boy isn't affected by this seemingly deep depression. It's just not interesting to hear about her story in the first section of the story. Fill the space of the story with her thoughts like her mind is filled.

Ignoring a best friend for no reason, while the friend does nothing but help.- Why is she ignoring her friend? If that's her best friend, show us. A best friend would be close and kind to the other, they wouldn't ignore them when they did them a favour. Where is Ivy gaining in waking up her friend. She's doing Shane a favour while Shane appears too full of herself to notice. A noble and righteous friend would be more thankful from a Knight's point of view. Also, their great friendship should fill up a special spot of your story like it fits in the mind of the character.

Also, the skeletal face was unique, we want you to show us rather than tell us. Dark bags, hollow cheeks, wide eyes. Do not tell the reader everything, it's boring. Let them guess. Details are important, you can describe so much without saying everything.

Interesting use of dividing your story. Although a little vague at times.

Back to cliches.

Your characters don't say anything meaningful to each other.- Typical friend, typical two-timing once loving boyfriend, and typical angry teacher. Get them more character traits. And since this is a one-shot you have to bring this in right away. No point in hiding. Readers love mystery, but when an author does not describe their characters for no reason, it's not interesting.

You tell us everything- Let us follow the flow of your story. Show us everything. Show us that you know we are here. Rather than telling us. For example: I nodded and pouted, even though I knew he couldn't see what I was doing.

Just use the first part before the comma. Readers can see that he isn't there to see her. Although a confused boyfriend would work as a response to this.

Scrambling madly-sounds like you're making an egg. Instead, if you want to appear like Ivy and Shane are moving as if they were in a blender, describe it. Use description to make the flow of your story, don't just tell us everything.

Perhaps use tornado, or weather descriptive words to bring the blender and scrambling image forth. Swooping to pick up something, falling, stumbling, collapsing, thundering around the room, striking surfaces and causing an unalterable mess. Get creative.

As readers we are here for as long as the story is here. As Knights we are here even longer because we have to comment. Thus, you have all the time in the world to show us your story plot,your characters, and your settings.

Also, about the settings, there is a total lack. Us Knights were floating around in imaginary space for hours before you mentioned seats.

Why do teacher's always hate on the main character? -This is cliche, also though, the main character here has special attention in a university sized class. Quite odd. You need to specify why. We want to know why the teacher would spend his time taunting these students when he could kick them out. This isn't high school, and you need to show that.

Also, the unfamiliar guy, can jut be described as a boy. Of course he is unfamiliar, we don't need to be told. We haven't met him throughout the entire story!

Describe the characters, bring them into your story with settings and details special to them and not familiar cliches.

For example, Dr. Thomas would kick these kids right out, or would at least be focusing on his lecture. He studied years in his life to get this job, show us how he deals with his earned respect and responsibility versus these lazy heartbroken hormonal teenagers that pay so much to listen so little.

By the way, show us this Doctor. Who is he, what is he teaching, and why is he so irritable? Late students are so common, why is he so angry?

Also, why does he know his student's life story, that's creepy, too much convenient information, and doesn't add to the story. Well it adds a twist if you want. The controlling doctor teacher who knows all his students. However, to be a doctor in something you can't be that stubborn. The King is a doctor in almost every subject, other than dragonology, but that's because dragons no longer exist. He is calm, collected and goes into deep thought comas when he arrives at a difficult puzzle or opposition.

(So far from this comment, from the Knights point of view, they have been describing the King, and this short description calls for more doesn't it? Although you may not want to read it, the Knights-the characters built here- would definitely want to tell it. Glorify and make speeches about him. This some subtle detail work you can work on. I want to use imagery and details to show you what I mean.)

The opposition part of my suggestion may throw you off. Although it sounds difficult to make a teachers versus student battle sequence in your classroom. You can do it. Bring in battle words for their dialogue descriptions. Show reactions.

"Shane ventured through the door. Dr. Thomas glared, eyes burning under the florescent lighting.

"Good to know that both Miss Hurst and Miss Wakerman cared to join us this morning," Dr. Thomas slashed.

Shane grinned and slid into her seat. Ivy grimaced and slouched forward."

Do you feel some electricity? The student that doesn't care seems a little dangerous against the anger of the teacher now. Other people's reactions can help you bring the mood of the atmosphere into the story if your main characters are doing something that stands out.

Also, explain why Shane's ignoring her teacher. She is paying thousands isn't she? Teachers should be respected, where is her respect? Why is she scribbling nonsense in her book, rather than paying attention to the lecture and writing notes?

And if her mind is somewhere else, show us. Although she is fleeting in terms of love, you need to show this in your description. She us how quickly Caleb isn't the nib of every description. Fill her mind of Caleb, then contrast it with her mind brimming and spilling over of the fresh thoughts of Newton.

Also, your story is too short. Thought wise it was short, we never got to the main issue clearly. What was the point? Bring a point about at least at the end. If the new boy coming into the picture is the point, why did you describe her waking up and getting yelled at in class all for this? Use your plot, and setting to drive your story, otherwise it appears pointless.

One more thing before we run off. It's an advice we are sure you will have fun swinging with. Slide down this paragraph and see the wondrous games of sentence length:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

We look forward to the future, as we look forward to a coming victory. Keep writing, and use your ideas more than cliches and vague song references. Your mind is brimming, we can see that from some stained details you left behind, just spill a little more on the story.

And keep writing.

Deepest Regards,

The Knights of Comment Swap

A few things I noticed while I was reading:

Instead of "classes" it should be "class" it just flows better.

Also I'm a little confused with the meeting the boyfriend then all of a sudden we're back to Shane being late.

"Mr Newton" should be "Mr. Newton" something minor I know but it bugs me. Same thing with "Dr. Thomas"

Other than those things it was a good story. Your character development is great and the style of writing you used made it really easy for me to picture what was going on minus the confusion that I listed above. Anyway, update soon. Just fix those few things and it will be that much better. Keep it up and happy writing! :3

I'm gonna get the nit-picky stuff out of the way first, alright?

Roommate is one word.

When using dialogue use commas when your characters say, cry, giggle, his, mutter, growl. Use periods when they do other actions, like 'I buried myself deeper into the covers..." Actions that aren't vocalization of some sort basically.

You don't need to give your characters first AND last names. One or the other is fine, it just makes it seem a bit more natural. Also, it's kind of odd using her teacher's first name when he's speaking to her. I think it'd be better if you used Dr. Thomas instead of Dean. It just sounds way too informal for a school, even college.

I like your story though, it's a tried and true concept, getting your heart ripped out by someone you care about and finding it difficult to get over. And sometimes the best way to do that is something new. So I can't say I have problem with the concept of your story, or how you played it out. It was very nice. Best of luck with this!!