The Girl in the Window - Comments

Your character section is very beautiful. You're a poet, writer and an artist. You're talented my friend, and such a triple threat. I stopped at chapter four last time I read this, so I'm going to read chapter five to the end now!

Yay! Happy to have new readers. And you're so right about the beginning. It's because when I first started writing this story, I wanted the character to have a less sophisticating vocabulary, but then it would defeat the purpose of the story. So now some parts of the beginning need to be self edited, but thanks for the tip. I'll be fixing it eventually, probably after I finish the whole story. I don't know why but I tend to fix things way after the story has been completed.

Saying “It smelt like me because I slept on them so much.” reads a little repetitive. To me my mind already goes there, the sheets smelling of her. Don't underestimate the intelligence of you audience, but I guess don't overestimate it either. Maybe just switching the words around, or maybe tacking on a comma or m-dash would make it read better? You also use 'smell' a lot in the first paragraph. Come up with different words or expressions, for example throw some 'scent's up in there.

I really like the prologue to this. The whole sheets thing, I don't know, I've never read it before. It's refreshing. Nothing I have ever read have had sheets give so much away about a protagonist.

I am going to read more of this later. :D

Thanks! And I hate some of my characters too. Sometimes it's hard to write them. ::faceplam: And trust me, the drama only gets better. I wouldn't say worse because I don't want people to lose their heads, but it does get a little crazier. And there will be a lot of secrets. So let me stop before I say too much, haha.

There is so much drama in this. I love it. And hate some of the characters, but that's true for people as well.

Yeah, I hated Monroe too. Sometimes it's hard for me to write about certain characters because they either disgust me, piss me off, or they would do something I usually wouldn't do. This will be true for a lot of characters in this book, including Shade.

But that's for the story comment. It's nice to see people comment on my story.

“Really?” he started to say. “I highly doubt something that long ago would make white people racist. Besides, you rarely see racism nowadays.”

That part right there got to me because there are so many people who would say that and it just irritates me so much. I can see why someone would think that if it's never happened to them personally, but it's still kind of childish to think racism doesn't exist anymore.

I want to shake Monroe. :/

But moving on, I really liked the lyrics ♥ It'd be cool to hear them with music.

I hate her mom's bf and that's super awkward that she slept with that girl's best friend.

Good update :)

Another amazing update! Can't wait for more! :)

@ dr. faustus
To start, I'm happy that you like my story. However, I do see how there is a little bit of explaining needed.

For one thing, the dialect in the story isn't because of the time frame, it actually has little to do with that; it's because of the environment. Where I used to live people might have been educated but they talked based on the other people's education around them. It's kind of hard for me to explain. I guess it's more understandable if you live in poorer surroundings. When I lived in my old house (which is actually the house that is the banner of the story) I went to a school that was predominately black. A lot of the kids that went to that school that were black didn't come from places with money, including myself. A lot of it was "hood" I should say. A lot of the people talked like that even if they did understand higher level speaking, however, the majority didn't. What happens with people who don't have better vocabulary and are talked to by people who do have better vocabulary, and they speak to those people, they feel offended because it makes them feel ignorant. When ignorant people are insulted, they use stupid ways to defend themselves which usually includes violence. It's an ugly truth. So when I lived there, even I dumbed down my way of speaking. I was already an outcast and if someone felt I was trying to insult them with intelligence, it would just bring more harm to myself. The ignorance is ugly.

Oh and that part wasn't detailed because she wasn't masturbating, haha, she was thinking about it but changed forced herself not to.

So, I read the entire thing and it's good, however, I have some concerns, praises, likes and dislikes about this story. First, what year does this story take place in. I'm not too sure if you've mentioned it before, but just wondering. The diction of these characters are real, but a little annoying at times because it sounds like they are uneducated, but it makes the story and setting more perfect and honest, but something distracting. I love your characters personalities whenever their at lunch. Those are some of my favorite parts of the story.

Shade not wanted her sheets clean finally made sense in chapter three to me because she's on them; her essences is on them, like literally and I adore that part, but I did wish you placed more detail in that part where I believe she was masterbating. Her being confused adds a lot of drama and climax to this story because something dangerous is going to happen, I feel it in my bones. Your story reminds me of the movie, "Pariaha" but you got something here.

good update :)

Love the new update! Can't wait for more!

I've only read the prologue and the chapter after, but I like what I'm reading so far. It's aunthic and fresh and I admire that. This girl is interesting and has a voice that you don't see in most characters on here. I certainly would love to read the rest of this because I sense it's going to get better. I'm on a 15 minute break and I can't really critique and point out what I want because I'm on my phone, but I'm going to finish this!!

Great update, as usual! Can't wait for more:-)!

Good update :) And I"m sorry you were without your computer lol :p

Even though that's slightly creepy, I totally understand.

I like it..... it's really good.

Love the new chapter! I like the development of the story so far. :)