The Feathered Antique - Comments

Comment swap!

Wow -- this was powerful! You are very good at using descriptive language, but I agree with another comment that it can sometimes be overbearing. It can be difficult to read at times, but that may be a personal thing instead of something that would stylistically need to change. Overall, this story was very interesting, and I'm excited to see where you go with it!

Comment swap, cupcake!



The beginning of this story is so evocative and powerful. Your use of descriptors is strong, but a little overbearing at times! While I personally enjoy it, perhaps you could trim a few things. Overall this is a really fascinating piece. I love the name Prair, by the way. And I really liked this line in particular: A smile slaps onto Mathews face as Prair frowns and feels a crushing atmosphere of change. It just flows soo well.

And now onto the few errors I noticed:

...and Cradling a small, purple marble... "Cradling" should have a lower case c.

...glass lenses aluminate like diamonds... "Aluminate" should be "illuminate", though that's still not the right word for the sentence. If the glasses shine like diamonds, just say they shine. Or you could say they glint, coruscate, or flash.

...Mathew scratched his charcoal... "Scratched" should be "scratches" to fit with your use of present tense. There may be more instances like this, but I didn't notice them.

...you have no intension of killing... "Intension" is a misspelling of "intention".

...with a florescent glow of interest... "Florescent" is a misspelling of "fluorescent".

...is conscious that is spreading through... If I read this right I think you meant "conscience" instead of "conscious".

...Mathew shots his hand out and ranches Prair down... "Shots" should be "shoots", and I think you meant "wrenches" instead of "ranches".

Anyway, I'm about to read the second chapter. I may or may not comment, but know that I'm enjoying it so far. And sorry if this seems a little nitpicky. I need people to point out things I've missed, otherwise I'd never catch them!

I fell in love with your story right then and there. I hope you continue to write! :)

I love this so far, it's an amazing idea and I already hate Alex. ;a; I really hope that Elika and Alex don't get together. e_e... But so far, so good. I love the way you write, it’s completely amazing and I can’t get enough of it, it’s descriptive and gives you a lot of things to ponder on.
The only thing that I have a problem with is I didn’t really feel the characters, I feel like Elika’s personality isn’t out there, and I don’t mean she needs to be outgoing, I just mean that there’s not much insight on her personality. I absouloutly adore Prair, he’s adorable and he has a stutter, which makes him ten times better. I feel that Alex is going to be a big part also, because he ‘owns everything’… Maybe the main antagonist or maybe even a protagonist that come off as a jackass at first. Hmm. So many things to think about! My brain hurts.
Above all and all, I’ll be keeping in touch with this story and I hope for a new chapter soon or else I might just like, shrivel up and die.
I love it! :D Jelly-doughnuts.
I hope to see more!
Love Death.

Wow. The wording is wonderful. I also think that the plot is quite interesting. It really draws you in, in seconds. (Jelly-doughnuts). :)

A very interesting story so far. It is beautifully descriptive and immediately engaging. You have a compelling writing style that really draws the reader in. I especially love the way you open up the whole thing with a question. That really is a nice way to begin.

The concept is really nice and i look forward to seeing its progression further down the line. I don't see any major grammatical issues and no spelling mistakes or missing words so that's good.

Like some of the other comments have already said i think you have too much description at points and this could do with a little down sizing but on the whole i really engaging story, a top notch work and i can't wait to read more.

I think you do a great job with getting the reader immediately interested. Your first chapter leaves a lot of questions for the reader and it forces them to continue reading. I didn't really see any grammatical errors, so nice job on that. The concept is really interesting to me and like I said before, even if it wasn't interesting, the first chapter is so vague you really need to continue reading in order to feel satisfied. The only thing I would consider is being a little less liberal with your descriptions. I am in agreement with other commenters that you have a gift for imagery, but there was some points where I was getting a little lost in the metaphors. I would just switch it up from time to time in order to keep the reader from feeling bombarded by metaphors and similes. Overall, you have a really great start here! Good luck with your story!

Well firstly, your writing style is fabulous. You've got wonderful descriptions throughout the story. I love your paragraph and chapter lengths. They're just about perfect. But, I would suggest proofreading a little. There are a few mistakes throughout the piece. Though the story is a little hard for me to follow (probably cause it's just not the genre I'm into), it's still sounds like it has great potential! Keep on writing! :)

I like your style of writing!!!!
Also you add imagery which is awesome:).
I agree with some people below my comment that the fact that you add description is good!
You have some grammar and spelling mistakes but not a lot.

I'm usually not into these types of stories and this genre but it was an interesting read.
With some editing I think your story could be great.
I do think maybe that you should change your layout to something more interesting. A layout that will represent this work you have created and will correspond to the story

I'm not a big fan of the layout. If you want you could make your own layout to fit your story a little better!

I like your style of writing!!!!
Also you add imagery which is awesome:).
I agree with some people below my comment that the fact that you add description is good!
You have some grammar and spelling mistakes but not a lot.

I'm usually not into these types of stories and this genre but it was an interesting read.
With some editing I think your story could be great.
I do think maybe that you should change your layout to something more interesting. A layout that will represent this work you have created and will correspond to the story

I'm not a big fan of the layout. If you want you could make your own layout to fit your story a little better!

Am really enjoying your work, I agree with deck of cards, if you haven't go watch 'Baccano, it's something you'd probably draw some inspiration from.

Great so far, may subscribe. :)

I don't know if you watch anime at all but it reminds of a show called 'Baccano'. I like the setting to start the story and it definitely got my attention. Like the others have said, this story has a lot of potential if you choose to keep writing, I see that it's been a while since your last update. But anywho, keep up the good work! I hope you continue it. Oh yeah... Cupcake.

This story has a lot of potential to it and I love the bits of description you've added. I would suggest rereading your work and maybe even asking someone to proof read it before posting, something everyone should do and is sometimes over looked. I know after staying up writing, I just want to post a chapter and be done with it but when I do this (which is frequent), I notice later all the mistakes. But other than a few little things, this story could be amazing. Keep up the great work

{Comment Swap}
This story has a lot of potential to it and I love the bits of description you've added. I would suggest rereading your work and maybe even asking someone to proof read it before posting, something everyone should do and is sometimes over looked. I know after staying up writing, I just want to post a chapter and be done with it but when I do this (which is frequent), I notice later all the mistakes. But other than a few little things, this story could be amazing. Keep up the great work. Mara Lynn, the lover of jelly doughnuts.

[Comment swap]
I think the world that you've created is so unique. I see a lot of technical mistakes, though - grammar, spelling, capitalization, etc. (You might want a beta for your story.) The layout is very simple, and I think an original one might be a little more fitting to the story. I love the title, too - it's so intriguing and interesting! I think this story has a lot of potential, but I have to agree, the style of writing is a little out of place and could be measured a little more. Good luck with this story!

I really like the world you have set up in here. That is something I rarely see on this site. Mainly due to most authored rushing to the romantic scenes. I would advise cutting excess adjectives in your stroy as this whole paragraph was very odd and a lot of it was not needed.

Quote

A girl stands on a patch of unfamiliar cement starring in through the window of a familiar car. She looks at her mother’s strange face and her father stone cold look as they stare at her with ghostly eyes. The window is declines and she places her suitcase down, kissing her mother on the cheek as she speaks.

What is the point f unfamiliar cement? It's cement. I don't identify my surrounding by the cement I am standing on unless there is something worth mentioning. Familiar car? You haven't told us what is familiar or not. The story just started. Also the is in windows is declines is really not needed.

Just o through and take out some unneeded details and this would be gold.

Your writing is incredibly detailed which I love and the imagery you create is very vivid and it's easy to literally see the story. I also like the length of the chapters; it's a perfect length really! And the point at which you end each chapter leaves a sense of anticipation for the next chapter. Although this is not the kind of story I would normally read, it's a job well done.

Comment Swap:

I LOVE THE TITLE.

I adore your writing style. Your descriptions are very good and I love how you can keep up your tense.

I love how the first chapter ends with a cliffhanger, it's the best. I do feel like some of this is written a bit oddly like, "a girl stands on a patch of unfamiliar cement."

I would think most patches of cement are unfamiliar, you could have replaced that with "A girl girl stands in a place she has never seen." or something like that, maybe not as bad.

I do think both of the chapters could have been shortened, you could have four chapters right now instead of two, but that's just my opinion.

I do like this story though, and the concept. Keep up the good work.

Oh my Jesus this sounds amazing. Just from the summary I'm sitting here thinking it's going to be a blockbuster film worthy type of novel. I would suggest maybe investing in a unique layout to catch more readers attention though.

I love your description. You pull off present tense so damn well. I'm definitely jealous. I love the city, it's so clear in my mind, that's just crazy. Oh man, I got nervous when I thought he was about to jump. Like no joke, you had my heart racing. This was great, I'll be sure to read the next chapter tomorrow (: