Project 27 - Comments

I like the idea of this story! I've always loved the government take over/rebel stories. And what makes this one different is how well written it is! I just can't get over it! I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes which was wonderful considering I am a bit of a grammar nazi myself. But the story progresses very well and is slow when it needs to be and fast during the chase. I could feel myself speeding up my reading to see how exactly she would escape. Overall, I loved it and am subscribing!

Holy snot monkeys. I'm sorry but stories like these that are so well written are hard to come by and this took my breath away.

I love the first chapter. I agree with she's so high. on the beginning scene with Juliet and Taylor. The conversation seems forbidden in a way and it makes the conversation that much more thrilling. Though, the conversation it says a lot about the situation they're in and you can tell a lot about the two girls. Juliet is high strung and wants more out of her life than what the government is going to give her. Taylor is more broken to me. She's too scared to escape or even talk openly about wanting a better life. She kind of seems like she's one to conform because she's too scared to do anything else. I'd like to maybe see her change her mind later on.

I love the way this story is written. Right from the get-go it's fast and exciting with very alluring plot twists that leave you aching with questions. I love how fast paced it is while still managing to slip in details about the background of the story and what this is all about. I also like how Juliet's appearence are kept hidden until after she arrives in the safe room. It helps keep the mystery in the first couple of scenes.

The way you describe people in this story is also really good. I particularly like the train scene myself and find it my favorite part of the story so far. Andrew is such a badass in that part with him being all tough and menacing. His shock after he shot the conductor shows that he didn't expect to do that but later he kind of resolves it into his cause. He's been pushed to that point where a life is meaningless to him. It's almost like he's turning into the government on not caring who lives or dies.

I like Juliet telling him off like that. I can tell they are going to be going at it more as the story rolls on and Andrew keeps having that view on how it's going to be.

Overall, a very well-written story and I can't wait for the next chapter! (Oh, by the way that was my Candy Bowl comment.)

I am so sorry I took this long :o I'm gonna comment on each chapter separately if that's fine.

Let me just start off by saying that I really like dystopian stories and the strained no give, all take relationship governments have with their societies.

I would like to point out the dialogue first, since it caught my attention quickly. It's important to have realistic dialogue that moves the chapter and story along, not meaningless chatter, and I feel that you've done so very well within this first chapter, particularly when they talk about their impending careers. All in all, I love how you open the story with a sense of worry and uncertainty, along with the midnight conversation (it reminds me of the scene with Peeta and Katniss in THG) You get the sense that they shouldn't even be talking or up for that matter.

I feel some of your descriptive words in the second part of the chapter are a bit much for what you are trying to describe: I knew that this was going to be a traumatizing day. I'm not sure if traumatizing is the right word in this case because it feels a bit over-dramatic. I also feel the way you describe Connors is a bit harsh as well when you say as if he would pounce and kill you in a second's time. It's a bit of a stretch from describing his snake-like glare.

The relationship between Juliet and Taylor is very well developed. You have these short, to the point conversations and little gestures between the two that convey the type of friendship they have perfectly.

My favorite passage from this chapter definitely has to be (besides the whole first scene hah): She dug her nails into my wrist, like a warning. I did nothing. All I could do was stare at the empty space. I felt dizzy, unsteady--but strong. Full of adrenaline. I can feel the main character's passion for freedom, and Taylor's grip around her arm symbolizes the government trying to hold her back, or at least that's my opinion. Plus, I absolutely adore the ending, it's the prefect cliffhanger for a first chapter to keep the reader wanting more.

I read the first chapter, and wow, let me just say. I love this, really very much.

The whole concept of it and everything, was just amazing. Your writing is really very beautiful, and ohmigosh, I can't.

I love you. And this. That's all I can really say.

Happy (late) Halloween!

Finally, I’ve had time to read this! I really enjoy what I’ve read so far and I’m excited to see how you finish this. This comment is crazy long, but I tend to critique stories as I read them, so have at it xD

Chapter 1

“The soft snores and deep breathing of the others kept a steady rhythm in my mind, my eyes drooping but never closing.”

I like this as an opening line, but you need some kind of connection between the two clauses. (Ie “letting my eyes droop but never close” or with my eyes drooping..”

You have another subordinate clause here, “A breath of fresh air to enlighten myself to the world around me” that’s not connected to anything, and while I like the images and concepts, the two incomplete sentences so close together makes the beginning choppy.

“Our spouses would be picked for us, based only on any medical value--besides that, it was random. “

I’m not sure what you mean by this. By medical value, do you mean like compatible genetics to prevent disease? If so, I think that’s really interesting.

"We all are, aren't we?" she said, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head.
“ "Hi," she said, swallowing and looking nervously around the room.

I think your dialog tags are too long in this section, but…

"Taylor, I can't live like this. I can't live in a world where our lives are controlled by other people."

She sighed, but not like she agreed. She was frustrated. I talked about this too much, but I could never get through to her.

I think this dialog structure works well, where the initial tag is brief, and you elaborate in a different sentence. When dialog tags are too long, it’s hard to read it as an actual conversation, because we’re getting so much other info that breaks up the time.

“me wearing black slacks and a dark gray coat over a thin white shirt, along with dirty tennis shoes.”
This is a lot of color imagery all at once, I think it would be more engaging to read if you described the main character with more senses than just visual.

“In the few social times we had with each other, he was always the laughingstock of the school, despite his power and control he had over all of us.”

The last part of this clause has a grammar error. You could write it as “despite the power and control he had over all of us” or “despite his power and control over us all.”

“ Connors gave everyone his snake-like stare, as if he would pounce and kill you in a second's time. “
I would really like some elaboration on what this stare looks like, because I think that’s a really good detail, and it will give you a chance to use imagery that’s not just visual (ie, how does the stare make you feel? Uneasy? Cold? Vulnerable? How do you image his face would feel? Old and leathery, like snake scales? Smooth and dangerous? You’ve got a lot of room for elaboration.

“The echoing of his voice seemed to vibrate against the walls for many moments, reflecting in our minds and telling us over and over again.This will be your occupation for the rest of your life after you get out of this school.”

I’m not sure repeating the italicized part is effective, because we literally just read that two sentences ago. If you want to get across they’re all hearing the words internally, you could say something like “The echoing of his voice seemed to vibrate against the walls, causing his melancholy words to resonate on and on within our minds.”

“She gave him a sickly sweet smile,”
Sickly sweet is a pretty common phrase, I would try to describe her in a different way, maybe play off of the boney old woman image you painted earlier.

“I turned to look at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She shook her head, the slightest and vaguest bit, to tell me that no.”
You don’t need the “that” in this sentence.

“I felt dizzy, unsteady--but strong. Full of adrenaline.”
This seems a little odd to me, as adrenaline combats/prevents emotions like unsteadiness and dizziness.

I really liked the ending of this chapter. You successfully built suspense, and the cliff hanger would compel a reader to stay engaged in your story. Considering this is only the first chapter, I think you’ve started to build a really strong character with your protagonist

Chapter 2

“All I could think about, while I ran away from the school, was being able to jump through the hole in the next building.

I heard the footsteps of the guard behind me, close, but not on my heels. This building was gigantic--at least 30 stories tall, and unbelievably wide. The hole, which was the kind that you saw after some sort of explosion occurred, was slightly over one story tall, and a few yards wide. I prayed that I would make it.”

I like this concept and it makes for a very interesting beginning, but I can’t see the picture you’re laying out. If she’s on ground level running, why would she need to jump through a hole? When you describe the hole as being in the building, it makes me think of holes in the walls/exterior, but since she has to jump, are you describing holes in the ground?

“. There was a locked door, and it had silver railing despite the short distance between the balcony and the floor below.

Suddenly, I heard the shouts of the incoming guards.

A computer was next to it,”
The pronoun “it” is really far away from the noun it represents, which I’m assuming is the door. If you’re in a new paragraph, it’s good to identify pronoun objects again.

You created another really good cliffhanger in this chapter, and I love the last line (“Before I could turn away, I was swept off my feet and pulled into the blackness.”)

So far into the story, you have really steady plot development and characterization, which have built you a strong foundation. My only qualm so far is this story doesn’t feel like it’s taking place in Manhattan, because we don’t get much description as far as setting goes, but when she was running, I was expecting more of a city-scape description.

Chapter 3
Great opening scene in this chapter, it’s very suspenseful as we don’t know if a ‘good’ guy or ‘bad’ guy is guiding her.

“The guards were closer now; not quite on my heels, but very close.”
You used the same “not on my heels but close” description last chapter, I’d switch it up.

“Suddenly, as soon as we had turned again to the back wall of the gigantic structure,”
There is something off about this sentence, and I think it’s because you use to adverbs at the beginning (“Suddenly” and “as soon as”). I would just use one or the other, because it sounds wordy with both.

“There were five or six of them, but only two did she shoot;”
You switch between past and present tense in this sentence, I’d change the last part to “but she only shot two.”

“I gasped, breathless, and was amazed at how she did …”
If you gasp, aren’t you taking a breath? Not sure that detail works.
“unless their genes were altered for elite force in working for the government.”
Something off about this phrasing. I think “unless their genes were altered for the government’s elite force” works better.

“Her eyes narrowed. At this point, I noticed her slightly vague appearance. She looked a little conservative--her dark brown hair fell in waves against her heart-shaped face, and her golden-brown eyes seemed to stare straight through me. She had exceptionally high cheekbones and a broad build, which seemed to make her look sharper in comparison to her conservative appearance.”

I think you picked the right place to describe this mystery girl, but I’m not sure what you mean by “conservative appearance,” unless you’re talking about her clothes. I think it would be better to be more elaborate than the one word conservative, and try not to just use colors to describe what she looks like, use metaphors and abstractions.

“When we reached the ladder, she climbed up quickly the top. “
to the top

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Ok, so far I’ve read the first three chapters, and I think you have a really solid foundation to build a story on. I’m very engaged in the plot and I wish I could keep reading more today, because I want to know what happens!

Overall for all of these chapters, my biggest suggestion would be to develop your imagery more, and move beyond strictly visual/color descriptions. Try to write for all five senses.

I don't usually like commenting on this so I'll keep it simple. BEAUTIFUL LAYOUT. Okay, done.

I'm a real fan of "less-than-lengthy" chapters to be honest. So it's a real pleasure to read something where the chapters aren't miles long yet still manage to convey their purpose in what amount of words they do use. There's such a thing as over-description but this is pretty good. Not to say that your chapters are short or anything, but they are balanced :)

Weird little side note, in your summary "as well as finding the ones she loves" sounds awkward to me. Just using 'find' seems better to me?
There's also a typo in Chapter 1 that I noticed, when describing Connors, you've got "conspicious" rather than conspicuous.

I think I'm actually in love with your sentence structure. There's something to be said for writing to your genre and your technical skills are great for dystopian fiction. Also, I think my clauses are similar to yours so there's a bit of familiarity there, haha.

Chapter 3, you repeat 'conservative' in the same paragraph when describing Violet. I'd just pick a simile for the second one, otherwise it sounds redundant - though you definitely still want an adjective in there.

There's something about Violet I like. She seems a bit quirky, which I enjoy.
I've yet to make my mind up about Juliet though. I understand she'd been raised in a super strict environment and all, but so far she's just a tad bland. She's almost an impartial narrator. Of course I don't know where you're going to take this story, but I feel like if you do go through and edit, you should add a bit more to the actual school part, so the reader gets more of a feel for her character, rather than throwing her in the deep end straight away. There's little sense of desperation, considering they live in an oppressed society and with a dystopia, the world needs to be really firmly established. More show not tell.

I also struggle a bit with the action seemingly starting immediately once she leaves the school. You'd almost want Juliet having several days getting to know Violet, learning about Project 27 to keep the mystery and suspense up, rather than bam! On a mission, even if nothing major has happened yet.
Then again, this is all stuff you'd want to consider when editing. I'm just being nitpicky.

I felt a real spark when Andrew drew the gun in chapter 6 though. Like...I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be attracted to him or anything, but there was something a bit hot about that xD

Whoa, I was not expecting to write this much but I seriously enjoyed it. This is my sincerest form of flattery, even if it might not seem it. I think you have a really great writing style and I definitely want to find out what happens!
Happy Mibbaween!

Trick or Treat! Lol. I’m commenting on your story from my blog, Julie’s Candy Bowl. I have to say this reminds me of other books I’ve read. Yours seems to stand out though. I really enjoyed reading this and your writing is very mature. I loved all the descriptions, details and feelings you gave the reader as I went through this. Your characters seem to be well developed and believable.
The story itself is intriguing, like I said earlier it reminded me of other books I’d read. That statement is true. Have you read The Giver? Certain aspects of it reminded me of your story. The whole made up society is what reminded me of The Giver.
Keep writing, it sounds like you’ve got a good story going!

Sweetie comment:

The first chapter gave the feel of the film Never Let Me Go. It's about about cloning and focuses on these children in a school who are the clones, raised and kept healthy so that when they're older they can begin their organ donations until they complete. But as I get into the second chapter the feel disappears because there's action and she runs from the path that she's expected to follow obediently. I do like the plot that you have going so far and the themes that I'm seeing. I also like that she's constantly questioning everything that has happened since she escaped, almost as if she's waiting for something to happen that would take her back there. I've seen some comments saying that her escape seemed a bit too perfect, and I agree with that, but I also feel that there's a reason why her escape was so perfect. Almost like something will be revealed later on to explain just how she managed to escape alive and unscathed when it shouldn't have happened.

One critic I have is the fact that there's not that many long paragraphs. There are decent ones and short ones but none that are quite long. Well, I guess it's not really a critic because it can work to have no long paragraphs, but I just feel that you should aim to have a few more paragraphs that exceed six lines. Not that six lines have any significant meaning, but in general they tend to look nicer slotted into stories when they can be. So don't add long paragraphs where there shouldn't be one, but where they should be one even if originally there were two small ones. A change of one word can easily make the two into one.

Overall, though, I did like this and feel that you have something good here. The feel of the film mentioned above isn't a bad thing, but it was good that the feel disappeared when it came to chapter two. That way I managed to grasp the feel of this story rather than having one of another story lingering along.

Wow! I planned to only read the first chapter as I've got a ton of homework but I ended up reading to chapter 5 as I got hooked. Curse your cliffhanger on chapter one! I LOVE sci-fi stories and this one is simply awesome. It's also really well written and you have used lots of description for the chapters I have read so far. I like how much action you have put into it although it would be nice for you to slow it down a bit more often. Overall it was an awesome read and I will definitely be recommending it and I'll be coming back to read the rest when I've got time.

I really liked this. The plot is intriguing, and the sort of thing that I personally love to read. It was also a simple and lovely layout.

Sorry that it took me so long to deliver your Halloween treat... Gosh, it had been a busy week for me!

I'm going to do a commentary on the first chapter only, since I'm a little short on time and I have a few more stories to comment on.

When I read your story, I now know why readers kept comparing your story to Hunger Games (I read about your rant in your blog sometime ago). That 'dystopian feel' is there when I'm reading your story, however, this is totally different from the bestsellers. Personally, the first thing which came into my mind while reading was the book, City of Ember. Probably it's because of their careers being chosen for them.

You're simply amazing with your writing and I can't exactly find any fault in it. I love cliffhangers in chapters (it would probably drive some people crazy though) as it entice readers to keep wanting to read more as they want to find out what's going to happen next. It's nicely written without too much intricate details and straight to the point. Kudos girl!

Oh my gosh I love this chapter! I think it really brought out the seriousness of the story and the dangers involved with Project 27. It was like this chapter showed that people's lives are at stake. And it showed another side of Andrew, this sort of loose canon side. I really liked it!!

I'm not really a sci-fi person, but I love this story! It's well written, and undeniablly good! I'm glad my Candy Bowl brought me heree! :D

This reminds me of a book I started reading called "Matched." The only difference is that in the book I'm reading they like and accept the fact that they are to be matched with the person they are to marry, the career they must have, etc.

As for this story it's a fairly often used idea in the science fiction community, a futuristic society which is controlled completely by the government. There are some paragraphs that should be attached to the one before it, some repetition, and incorrect punctuation in some places. Other than that this story is well written and I hope you do something different than what other stories have done with the idea. (Sorry it took so long to get this to you).

I don't like reading stories like this but this really is a great story. It's undeniable that this is a well-written story. Although you have some typos so I suggest that you proofread your chapters before posting.

I felt that it's too fast for me but it's somewhat okay. In some chapters when you used a double dash, it could have been replaced with an ellipsis. Also, the 'lower' in the line 'As Andrew lower the gun, I could feel all the tension releasing' should be in past tense to match all the other past tense verbs in the sentence.

Also, this line: The main put his hands up, backing away, and walked towards the trains down the aisles with a sideways glance at us. has a typo and an incorrect tense. The 'main' should be 'man' and the 'backing' should be 'backed'. I don't really understand the structure of that sentence. Maybe you could rearrange it or rephrase it?

Other than that, there were minimal mistakes. It's a great story with a great plot. My only suggestions are to proofread your story and to be consistent with your tenses (past, future or present) since there are sentences in which the verbs should be in past tense. On the contrary, you should also rephrase some of your sentences. That's all of my suggestions.

i like this story a lot. it's new for me. i never read anything that is original fiction. but i'm glad that the candy bowl brought me to this story. it's different, but it definitely pulls you in from the get-go. you're good with detail and that's important. it was enjoyable to read because of how thorough the details were. everything was easy to imagine and that's important, to me at least. it seems like a lot of the stories on here that i read aren't very detailed when it comes to things like: surroundings, clothing, etc. but you were and i like that. the only thing i noticed was that it sort of reminded me a little too much of the hunger games, only because of the whole 'government rules the world' plot-line. have you heard of matched by allie condie? it reminds me more of that, except for matched is more of a teenage romance type story. otherwise: i like your story because it's creative. i don't really have much of a critique other than this: sometimes you switch back and forth between past tense and present tense. it isn't often, but i noticed it more than once. anyway, i'm subscribing and can't wait to read more! :)

There was a lot of action in the first chapter, while still having a lot of backstory and description of the world they live in, and that is a hard mix to find! I love the way you ended the first chapter! The cliffhanger made it so I just had to keep reading!

I love all the suspense in the second chapter! When Juliette is trying to hide from the guards, I just kept wondering if they would catch her or not or if she would be able to find a way out. The second chapter ended with another sort of cliffhanger, and pulled the reader into the third chapter perfectly!

I love the new characters in chapter three! Violet has a really great vibe to her. She's mysterious, smart, and strong, and I like how well-rounded she is. Another attention grabber at the end of chapter three!!

I really like the choosing program in chapter four! It is a really neat concept and it's something I could definitely see happening in the future without a doubt. We finally get to find out what the title means, and at the perfect time too! I really hope there is a sanctuary for them.

I really like Andrew in chapter five. He's really intriguing and I can already tell he and Juliette are going to be partners in crime! I can't wait to see more of his character!

Here is your Halloween treat, sorry it took a while!

This is really good. I love the idea you have going that there is always someone watching, it's kind of George Orwell-esque, and I think you've done a good job of capturing that essence of Juliet feeling like a puppet.

I also agree with Fandango and Carpe Diem. I don't think this should be compared to Hunger Games because you've got your own plot and excellent characters going on.

I, personally, love the idea of the Choosers deciding on what happens for the rest of their lives. I think it's such a quirky idea that I definitely haven't read anywhere else. Your descriptions are really exceptional, and you seem to have a knack for writing really suspenseful scenes.

Like a few others, I really love the idea that Project 27 is a computer programme. That is really quite clever!

All in all, fabulous piece you have here, I will be subscribing to see what happens!

I really like this. Very well written and very good! Over all, great story!

Hi there.

While I was reading:

I stared at her for a second. >> This is a bit of an unneeded sentence. We know that she's been watching Taylor because she's already described her facial expression. So it can just be nixed and lose nothing.

How could the others be so soundly asleep when they knew that tomorrow, we would be officially controlled and distributed?

"Taylor, I can't live like this. I can't live in a world where our lives are controlled by other people."

These two passages read very similar to me. The point of how they're being controlled and slaves of the government is really being put in front of the reader's face. Especially by the repetition of the word "controlled." By toning it down just a little, it will give the reader the message you want without being overwhelming.

We showered and dressed in our coded clothing, me wearing black slacks and a dark gray coat over a thin white shirt, along with dirty tennis shoes. The rest of the girls wore similar clothes, all of the same neutral color scheme and clothing types. >> If you remove the second "clothing" and just leave types, it'll have the same impact without repeating the word.

I've noticed a bit of repeated words through this. In the first part of this chapter there were quite a few "tomorrows." If you read through the piece, aloud even, it will help you pick out the ones that you use often. I know when I'm writing, I get stuck on one word and then have to go and get rid of a majority of them, haha.

where we usually had out fitness sections every week. >> Fitness sessions, I believe you mean?

She dug her nails into my wrist... >> This whole passage is written really well. Her thoughts have a choppiness to them, but that makes it feel more realistic. Almost like you can feel the adrenaline kicking in and constricting her thoughts a bit.

the slightest and vaguest bit, to tell me that no. >> I don't think that "that" should be there.

I stood up as quickly as I can... >> "Can" should be "could."

Great cliffhanger. I'm quick happy to see that she ran instead of chickened out. Like I would have, haha.

WRITING

I haven't got many complaints here. The only thing that stuck out to me was the slight redundancy with certain words, and in the beginning with the concept of the government's reign over the citizens.

The flow was good, and Juliet has a strong personality in the first chapter already, which is fantastic.

CHARACTERS

Perfect segway, if I do say so myself (;

I like the complexity of Juliet's personality already. She wants something more than the life that she was given, but she's a tad too meek to do anything about it until the end. It's also a bit of a subtle clue of her intelligence when she notices the guards are't there and knows that this is her chance, where it seems like everyone else just thinks the "idea" of the guards is enough to keep them in line, even if they notice that they aren't there.

Taylor is also interesting. When I first read it, I just pictured her younger, but she came into a different role than I expected, which is cool. We get a good sense that they're close friends, with Taylor gripping her arm. Kind of wish that she ran with her, but I guess we'll see (;

OVER ALL

All in all, this is pretty intriguing. Where it has the same feel as other dystopian novels, I feel like the character is a little unconventional and that will be pivotal in the story itself.

Great job with this and happy writing!