Born to Kill - Comments

This story is pretty decent, actually, except for the grammatical errors, which from your intro, I thought was gonna be pretty terrible. But come time for me to read the story, it's not bad at all. Not bad at all. I do hope you keep writing, because it looks like you enjoy it. The plot is intriguing. OH! By the way, the little lion bit? I love it. So cute. <3 And I just Oh-so-enjoy reading about women who end up being very powerful in the end. =)

***mind and chest, excuse me. x.x

***mind and chest, excuse me. x.x

Howdy from Comment Swap~

This is different in both layout and form. I'm an active RPer as well, with certain things. I thought it was pretty good, I only read chapter one. Only because I, myself, have a story about a socio-psychopath and I don't like reading deep into others because people get offended and fearful quite easily. So, I keep to the bear minimum.

The only thing that I really couldn't stand, even a little bit, was how many exclamation points you use. In my mind, she sounds like an upbeat, errant middle schooler emphasizing everything she says and thinks.

Just as well as the fact that I feel like you need to go back and analyze the ways, thoughts, and process between a sociopath and psychopath. I feel like she gives off more feel as a socio than a psycho, that'd be good to delve more into. Especially, by way of other comments, if she killed a dog without feeling -- that's more of a sociopath. A psychopath would be radiant and jubilant and at peace with the overbearing feelings within their mind chest. Just some food for thought, that's all.

Interesting choice of story. Very different from some other stories and very detailed. Sad things, crazy things, and killing things. I'm surprised by the thought and maybe it's because I haven't been reading a lot of stories on here. Comment swap sent me here and good thing it did.

Hailey, Hailey, Hailey...you're sick. That's all I could possibly say. I cried, because of how nonchalant she is, but then again I remembered who she was, and what not. I LIKE THE STORY. Reading it by choice(: Everyone has a choice on the web. Though, I'm not going to lie she's a sick beetch. Hailey, not my Gabby<3 Okay, so that's that..I can't wait to read more!

Wow. This is bad.

Do you realize quite how many people won't sit through this by choice? I'm sure that hardly anyone who's read this story has done so by choice.

First, I skimmed it, because I saw that there were no capitalized letters. At all. Not even 'I'? That's like the easiest thing to capitalize. It's one letter. It is a one letter word.

Not to mention the first sentence --- already failing from a bout of poor grammar. No space between punctuation....not to mention a total lack of correct punctuation. Thanks to a serious comma-famine, I'm reading this like I'm running a marathon. Everything's said so quickly!

The paragraphs themselves are structured poorly, it makes me believe you don't actually quite know how a paragraph is structured, or even what one is.

I'd highly suggest looking things like this up. There are a lot of places you can go to, to learn about these things. A lot of pages will explain clear and concise.

I could hardly read chapter one.

Not to mention, your dialogue is jumbled into the paragraphs themselves. You space between dialogue. Dialogue Break.

"Hello." Sue Said.

"Hi." Jake Responded.

"What's up?" Said Sally.

On a note of more personal preference, your dialogue is weak. It's like you're trying too hard to make it seem like the main character is victimized. So hard, in fact, that everyone else in the world is total scum. She's the only good person. This is painfully cliche, and I'm willing to bet the only other sane non-abusive person in the world is the one she falls in love with.

To top this all off I'm just going to give you a protip: Simple is better.

Don't throw big words into a sentence just to try and make it seem more intelligent. Using the smaller versions of certain words is just as effective. If you look for and use synonyms, but don't understand their meaning, you actually have the opposite affect.

Also don't reply to the comments we give you about your story here but to the comment page of our profile.

Hello there. :) I was brought to this story of yours from comment swap and I'm glad I did because the summary is really interesting. The layout doesn't make reading your story easy though. The titles of each chapter don't show up so I couldn't read the chapters. If your layout is to blame for that you better fix it otherwise it must be my phone playing tricks on me sn I'm really sorry. Keep on writing though and don't you ever give up. Xd Adieu xd

~ From Comment Swap ~
Hey, I really enjoyed these chapters :)
Your characters are complex and the dialogue is great..
I like the plot as well, it's really interesting and I'd like to read more..
Just a few bits of constructive criticism, I found it a bit hard to read with the background being so dark. Also, your writing would probably benefit from you capitalising your letters, plus some of your grammar needs checking over. Other than that, though, it was very good and I really enjoyed it. :)

@ DaRkAnGeL448
haha thanks (: she's a character i've used over the years in my rp and she still scares me a little. I'm glad you like it! i'll update as soon as i figure out what i should do next with her XD

@ KilljoyBekah
thanks for that<33 my shift key doesn't always work on my old computer and i only just got a new one and i have yet to get used to the fact that i can use it...<.< see XD and i've been an rper for years so i'll work on the spacing in the next chapter (: thank you so much for your feedback^^

@ damnitjanetlovesyou
i always got you captured d; and you should have known better woman XD she's...hailey!

Ok for starters this is going to be good, but did she have to kill the dog? Poor mut. Anyway I would torture the father real good. *evil laugh* muahahaha. Ok I'm getting way out of control here. I like it. So yea update soon.

The mother and spiders that would be extremely funny but I'm kinda scared of them too. So that pat made me cringe a little bit. Love the killer dream though.

So far this isn't a bad story, but one thing I'll say is that I was put off by a few small mistakes, like no capital letters and the fact that the paragraphs are pretty grouped together and should be a little spaced. Just some constructive criticism for you! :) Keep it up, this is a good plot, I just can't really get into it, y'know?

I knew better than to go poor Hailey, but I did anyways, and like usual she betrayed my thoughts. I love it thus far, and shall continue! I am excited yet scared of whats to come! You've got me captured.

ahh! i'm excited for this story!