Mystery Of You - Comments

Also play around with sentence length. Here's an awesome example:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Editing is the key. Go forth and Unlock it.

Also play around with sentence length. Here's an awesome example:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Editing is the key. Go forth and Unlock it.

That's a cool ending. Although the beginning is a bit cliche in the writing style. If you start the story with:

"My step-father slapped my face."
It would be more dramatic and clear then *SLAP*
Tell us how this happened, and more important this Zero, tell us about their meetings. That's the main twist of the story. We want to know about him and about the main character's stories too.
Is this story continuing?