Thanks for the ideas. In truth I plan to add more to the story and see about editing it some more, but frist I am working on the White's housees story right now.@ LouellaBelle
August 28th, 2012 at 05:47pm
Hello! I'm here from the comment swap, and I'm warning you now, I have a tendency to ramble.
First off I must say your description is extremely repetitive. You use "Silver Bloods" six times in that small paragraph. There's also the sentence that says "Silver Bloods have five house(s) that make up the group calld Silver Bloods." You only need to use "Silver Bloods" once in that sentence, otherwise it gets a little bit redundant.
Getting into the story it definitely draws you in. It could use a bit of work with the grammar and the punctuation. For example “that if she spent the night with him, in his den. He would let her go to her grandmother's house, if she pleased him.” Doesn't need to have quotes because it's a narrative, not an actual quote. Does that make sense? There are some other grammar and punctuation mistakes that are a little distracting.
I really wish this story had more details in it because I love where the plot line is heading! I get that this, so far, is just an overview of how the Silver Bloods began but it would be much more enjoyable with more details. Just expand on it. What did the wolf look like? What did the deep dark woods smell like? Simple little things like that would be wonderful.
I really really want you to continue with this story because I want to know what happens next! I hope nothing that I said was harsh, they were just somethings that I did notice that might have driven me away if I had just stumbled upon this story.
Please continue, I'll be subscribing!