Innocent Sword - Comments

Comment swap

So while I do love the plotline and find this very original, I have to agree that the rhythm is a bit off. Some of the words rhyme in a sort of odd way, which breaks the climax and makes reading a bit more difficult. I did spot a couple of mistakes but nothing that a good revision and a beta can't solve.

The summary, however, is a bit of a let down and is off to a sort of negative start. You can put that in your author's note and make a summary that lets readers know what the story is about and draws them in.

Keep writing!

I don't normally read poetry, so I'll do my best to do a good review.

"Arrows fly in mid-air range." I think this is a good start because it starts with action. It draws me in. To me it seems at first that they're in the middle of it, but not participating. Maybe trying to get away? I think this poem is really well written. I wish I could write poetry like this. It tells a pretty good story, and I find it rather easy to picture what's going on here. Great job! :)

All the commenters before me have made some great points and given you some wonderful advise to work with, so I'll try my best not to repeat them too much but that's easier said than done since they covered a lot.

This is really impressive because poetry is tough to keep up. Your rhyme schemes are pretty solid, but your rhythm is occasionally a little off. Your spelling and grammar are basically good. There are a couple grammatical errors,but nothing huge. You did a great job of introducing characters and conflict within the context of the poem, but setting is a little lacking. Your story is interesting and you managed to fit quite a bit in. I really hope you keep this up because it's definitely unique.

@ discoveringclouds
I finished the poetry type of this story check it out on my poems... thank you...

"Arrows were flying in mid-air range, as blood gushes out of a warrior’s chest, here, I lie in a stack of hay, waiting for a miraculous descent of the virgin mother.

”Luscelle, a servant of the Roman Army, emotionless, as if she’s numb to what she witnesses.

>Blag!< A frightening sound of a forceful opening of the door, echoed throughout the whole barn. Afraid, she held her arms and crouched like a fetus, trembling in fright.

“AARRRGHH!” she shouted as a speculatore grabbed her bruised pale skin.

“No! please! Let me go!” she begged yet not a sympathy was given.

Luscelle bit her enemy’s arm and ran to the peak of her toes. She ran to the point of nowhere.

>Thud!< Unexpectedly, she bumped to a hard and bronze armor in front of her.

“Halt!” The man shouted.

Luscelle crouched backwards, as her eyes bulged out of fright in front of a silver sword pointing to her void. As she looked to the man’s emblem, she noted her as a roman army soldier, a centurion. “Get up! Now!” the man yelled at her lowering his sword. Luscelle got up yet as she looked to the eyes of the Centurion, she saw a peaceful and sophisticated calm blue eyes. Without further ado, the man grabbed and dragged her. As if he was in a terrible hurry.

By making out of a deep and dark forest of Tenebrae, Luscelle witnessed a sturdy limestone castle in front of her innocent eyes.

As the sun sets as seen by the window, The Centurion with Luscelle was inside the castle.

“Get in.” The Centurion said, calmer than earlier, as he introduced Luscelle in a miracle forsaken cell.

As Luscelle went in, the rustied bars rolled down beyond sunlight as the lock stores all her dreams. She walked to the corner and crouched as the Centurion watched her. She felt safe in danger. The Centurion took his blue eyes off Luscelle and proceeded to the left hallway chasing every second of every moment.

--- separate new thoughts with space. If you do it's a lot clearer. Also separate new dialogue with space.

http://www.writerlylife.com/2010/09/how-to-use-dialogue-correctly/#.UC_Ind1lR5E

Use the internet for writing help!

All the best.

@ discoveringclouds
Thank you discoveringclouds-san... I thought that giving a paragraph one setting can give the idea... Sorry... My thought was really incorrect...

For this one, I'm going to focus on the structure of your story.

Even if the content and details of your story are good, the readers can't read stories easily that have bad structure.

So make sure you use a new paragraph when you use dialogue. Every new person talking needs their own new line. Then use a new paragraph when you start a new idea. Use a new paragraph for details.

The spacing on the page makes it easier to read your work. See this comment, it is easy to read because it is spaced out.

And about the content, the idea of the story is interesting, you need more setting though. Where are these characters, are they surrounded by trees or dessert or giant cupcakes? You can get really creative with setting if that's part of your story. :)

All the best writing!

@ Shiznit
Thank you Shiznit-san... My friend read this and said it sucks... She said I have more potential in writing poems... henceforth I revised it into poetry form and hopefully to post it by friday evening... I hope you'll read it Shiznit-san... Eitherway, I really like the thing to be misleading... In that way, I troll my readers... Feel free to read my Mysteries of Teardrops Academy and comment on it... Arigaton-Gozaimasu!!! Thank you...

~Comment Swap~

So the plot and idea behind this are really good; I think the story has a lot of potential. You may want to go back over it amd do a bit of editing/revising though, because the flow is sort of disjointed and I was a little confused about what was happening. I really hope you keep writing though because like I said this could really go places. Best of luck to you! :)