Into Your Arms - Comments

discoveringclouds (200)

:: Member
Gender:: ♀
Age:: 32
Location:: Canada

Dear XxMcKeyyxX,

The King has sent me for your story. I am a Knight of Comment Swap.

Fear not, the King has sent me for literary purposes alone. The last thing he beheaded was a chocolate bar, and he refuses to bring violence and torment to the world of literature.

So let's begin with your story shall we?

Your characters seem a bit off.

These band members seem like a bunch of kids. They run back and forth with seemingly nothing to do, but have somehow achieved a lot of success. It's doesn't make sense to me. Where is their sense of responsibility? Where is their maturity? Professionalism even?

How old is Lexie and who are these men that orbit her existence? Because her age doesn't fit the success of the band, so how did they meet?

Yes, yes, it's a fanfiction, but these characters, as I said, act like children. Why aren't they acting mature? How old are they? Why do they only party with their spare time? We obviously don't know their personalities, which is the purpose of the fanfiction right? To imagine it out, and to make up characters for these famous accomplishments. So describe who these people are.

You skipped the entire interesting part of the story, she had a baby and she let the baby go. I would rather know about that and those emotions and that human story than Lexa selling "merch" and finding out everyone knows her life story and keeps it at the top of their mind the way they respond to her. This lady has a strange obsession with irrelevant and materialistic aspects of life.

Friendships need to be mended. Alright now we see that she feels that it is important. Now tell me about her child. What does she feel about that? Why has this child been conveniently destroyed from the picture. Why didn't her mother care for the child with her? Is she heartless? If I had a child and had to let the baby go, I'm pretty sure I would think about this a lot. Fill the pages like the mind of the character. All she seems to care about is going to shows and keeping upbeat in a superficial way and being with a famous boyfriend all the time.

By that I mean there is a weird back and forth. She either talks about her deep depression from her previous fiance or boyfriend and then she jumps to exclaiming her interest in her job seconds later. It's like a jump from high school girl to strangely obsessing woman. It's like a mood disorder. Is she taking medicine for it, or is she skipping her doses?

I also want you to wonder at deeper things. Human thoughts.

What's the meaning of this story, are there beliefs here, are there morals? What's the benefit to the person reading the story? What type of example is the main character leaving? Why is she hugging and touching every man she is simply friends with. That could be easily misinterpreted as yet another boyfriend. And rather than giving meaningful conversation everything is being skipped and smothered with hugs.

You do have a good flow to your story. And it would become better if you show us what happens rather than tell us. If she ignored her phone, for example, describe it ringing and describe her ignoring it. She doesn't have to simply tell us everything, sometimes it's nice to just see something happen with the details.

And the King demands you give more than two sentences about a child she had. Her body was being transformed for almost a year, how could she just let these thoughts arrive in her mind for mere seconds?

Also, avoid cliches.

Cliches are those familiar plots, characters, scenes, phrases and stories. They are over used which makes them cliche. The familiarity of them, however, draws us to them. Avoid them! You are an Author Warrior! Fight these cliches off for your legendary tale, fight them off to show your true mind, let not the evils of cliches guide your story. Take your story by the hand and take it to the mountains and heights of wherever you please.

Fill the pages of the story like the mind of the narrator would be filled. If her old boyfriend/fiance was so important to her and she feels the need to break down in tears even a year later, she must be thinking about it constantly. Bring more attention to it. Use her thoughts. Explain why her new boyfriend hasn't erased or eased her old thoughts. Explain why he is even with a girl who can't get over a cheating man or how he deals with her obsession with the other man.

Being mysterious is fine, but being vague is not. Be specific. Bring in characters, plots and settings in for a reason.

Also, bring in good grammar and play with sentence length.

This example is from the King and will aid you. I think you will like it:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Now I am done here. I hope this response brings you fudge rather than corn, ribbons rather than thorns, and success rather than distress.

Farewell young author.

Truly,

A Knight of Comment Swap

September 11th, 2012 at 03:41am