Mismatched and Hyperfocused - Comments

Hi! I'm here through the comment swap. :] I think you're off to a really great start here! The guy's crush at first sight is so cute and something I can relate to since I get cute customers I'm curious about myself at my job. Hahaha. But the story can really go anywhere from this point.

I think if you rewrite it and rewrite it again, more details and more actions will come out. It's crazy how re-imagining a scenario and rewriting it can really evolve your writing. Sometimes rewriting is the most exciting part of the process... for me, at least. :D

Anyways, keep writing and I'm sure it will go somewhere~ I know how it is to not know exactly where you're going, but hopefully you're struck with inspiration somehow.

There's a couple of run-on sentences, but you've got the story going well! Personally, I think there's a nice build-up at the start. I like the characters a lot. You should really keep going with this! Personally, I'm not a big fan of romances, but this one isn't overly cheesy, so I think I'll keep reading.

Not to repeat what the previous comments said, but the way you wrote the guy's perspective is pretty good. There's nothing wrong. You wrote it better than I ever could, anyway!

I think you should add just a tinsy bit more detail, but fi you don't want to, I think the amount you have is an okay amound and there's a couple of typos that you should find and fix, but other than those two things, that's about it.

Here from comment swap,

I think this is really cute! The writing for the guy’s perspective is pretty good. I love it how she’s totally oblivious of his little crush :3

As the other comments have mentioned, it could be improved on and include more detail. Other than that it’s an awesome start!

I’d love to see where this goes :)

I think you're doing fine with the guy's perspective so far. There really hasn't been anything major that's happened yet, so you haven't really had a chance to have him react as a guy would to a situation, as opposed to how a girl would act.

I think the story could use a little more detail. Don't tell us what's happening--show us. It makes the story much more interesting. It's cute that he has a little crush on her, but maybe you could hint at how she makes him feel when he's near her, or something like that. It just helps us as the reader feel what he's feeling.

Keep writing this! It'll be interesting to see what happens.

Dear Andstuff,

The King was busy, so he sent me. I'm the Lazy Knight. I read stories and comment as I go down. Forgive me pelase. The King demands that I ask forgiveness in a separate line, but here I have it squished in a paragraph to make it appear less meaningful. Also, the spelling mistake probably made you cringe and question the authenticity of the apology. Excellent.

After all I'm the Lazy Knight. I'm brilliant, but I can't be bothered past that.

I like your title.

She perched on the metal seat. Eyes flying all over a brand new notebook. Fingers swirling a pencil. Drawing the eyes of a charming waiter across the room. --From this we can tell she is just sitting there staring at a notebook. The advantage of writing more details in is that we can imagine the way she sits,what she is doing, and how she is drawing attention. Also, we can see that the main character thinks they are charming and are watching her. Bring in description. Details! Character!

We want to imagine this scene, not be told that it should be interesting!

Don't let your story be described alone. Show your story with dialogue, including inner dialogue with italics, with unique details and settings, and with a thought out plot.

Don't just give away that you have no idea where your story is going and that your character's life is boring in the summary. In doing this, you just gave away that your story has a boring character and the entire story could be potentially boring. You also gave away that you have no idea what your story is about. So now, your dear and flighty readers will either give your story a chance and find out that indeed this story has a boring character and all these details they are memorizing and absorbing for a base for future chapters might not even be needed, or they will lift off for something more intriguing.

It's fine to have a boring/bored character, but you have to make them unique and have a reason for this character trait. No one wants to read something the author even finds unexciting.

I'm dropping hints.

Take a look at me. I said I was lazy and here I am writing out paragraphs. It gives you a hint at the kind of lazy I am. I like to read and write, but I don't like to spend too long going back and forth. Hints are special little things that can make reading a lot more fun. From the next paragraph you will see a sharp jump in focus. It also hints at how I take sharp turns to get to my points.

This conversation is unrealistic. I can't place it. I don't know if they are sitting or standing, or if the guy's a creep and he's just standing there looming over her and casting shadows on her paragraph. Bring in flow, tell us what's happening. Don't make everything in the dialogue one line, break it up. Tell us when they move, where they go, and what's around them.

Take as long as you want introducing the characters to each other. Remember that as they meet each other, we meet them as well, and we want to know their details and if they have glasses and twitch their nose while they write, or if they are wearing an uncomfortable hat that makes them look silly.

Also, characters can have contradictions. See, myself. I call myself lazy, but instead you meet someone who is not lazy, but very specific. You wouldn't call me lazy, you would give me other names like Annoying or Rude or Grumpy Knight, and you would question who gave me such an unfitting title in the first place(It was the King, I didn't want to use the guillotine to behead any more chocolate bars and he gave me the title. Most Knights are honoured for titles, but this one irks me. Imagine that.-You guessed at my sarcasm and roll of my eyes, I hope?)

Use hints, be subtle yet specific with details. Readers are smart, don't let them catch you thinking they are stupid.

One last thing. Words from the King. An example and advice in one.

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

Fare thee well young author, go forth and conquer as a Writing Warrior ought to.

Truly,

A Knight of Comment Swap

Comment swapper n_n

I think you're doing fine writing from a guy's perspective. He comes across as pretty sweet, with a school-boy like crush. At first I thought he was going to be shy, but I like how he had the courage to approach her and strike up a conversation. It was quite brave of him to bring up the subject of church, too, just based on her story, since religion is often something that people have differing views on, so for him to take a chance and invite her to church - and think of it as a sign from God himself - was pretty nice and original.

Just one thing... In the first paragraph, you put "work" instead of "word", but that's the only mistake I found.

I hope she shows up at church so he sees her again!

I’m just here from comment swap, and this is a cute little first shot. First off as others have said, I really like the title. Is it just about the girl, or could it be teased out to describe more of their relationship. I’m intrigued, which is what titles are for, right? So good job there.
There’s not a whole lot to comment on, since this was just one chapter without much going on. However, I liked the casual, breeziness of their first encounter. Just some guy waiting tables like it does, and a cute girl he meets. It’s just very laid-back and inviting, which is a nice way for a story to start since I feel like a lot of people feel the need to shove the story in your face like a pushy used car salesman.
I think the best part of the entire story is the last line though. It’s so lyrical, charming, and wistful like it’s just the sort of thing that you think of when you’re just getting twitterpated about meeting someone new.

Comment swapper, here! First off, I love the title. It drew me in immediately! Second, the whole diner scenario reminds me of Gilmore girls, which makes me love it all the more, haha. I find it interesting that you brought church into the mix here - it really makes me wonder where this is going, and I'm very curious to find out! I'm subscribing because you've got me very intrigued, which is hard to do, for me, so kudos! My only complaint is that there's no layout, but I'm sure you'll fix that at some point. Keep it up! Can't wait for more!

Comment swap, here! Let me just start off by saying how much I love your title! It draws in your readers and gets people curious. I think your first chapter was good, but like some others said before me, there are things that could be improved. Mainly, the pace is what threw me off. It was just too rushed. Other than that, this piece was lovely. I'm curious about how this friendship will work out. Also, I loved the last line. I think it left the reader wanting to know more, just like the main character.

I love the name, and I think the first chapter was good but it could be inproved on, I'm going to subscribe so I can read more if you decide to write more - which I hope you do! - I've also recommended it as well, keep up the good work, I've enjoyed what I've read so far :)

Firstly, I love the name; it's very catchy and really pulls on the speech to get those words out, I just... it's just a wonderful feeling on the tongue.

There isn't an awful lot to comment on because its just one chapter without much action. What I would like to comment on his why he offered an invitation to church? I wonder will religion be a conflicting issue between this pair? Its interesting to speculate about this church invitation.

I think you need to update this and let us know if that girl is going to come to church or not!

I was excited to read this and very much glad that comment swap sent me here. You are doing great and I find him adorable. I love it si far and I'm no good at these but I hope you write more. I can't give you grammar advice because I'm not a guru but there was some typos but that's normal and didn't take away the effect. Update soon ^^