Disenchanted - Comments

  • losing control.

    losing control. (4250)

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    Like others have said, I'm going into this without reading the prequel, so some things didn't make sense but that's okay.

    I always admire people who can write sequels, because I can never mamage to finish anything lmfao it seems like you have a solid plotline going on from the first story that is continuing on which is always nice to see. It makes the flow between the stories a bit nicer instead of having a sequel that doesn't make much sense, you know?

    There was two things that stood out to me. The first was, like other commenters mentioned, that your paragraphs aren't really spaced. When everything is kind of smooshed together like that, it makes it quite hard to read. Especially with dialogue, when you have a new line make sure you hit enter twice so that things are seperated and it's easier to follow.

    The second was that a lot of your sentences start with "I" and then go on to tell exactly what your character is doing. Which is good sometimes, but it's also nice to have some description in there as well. Showing instead of telling in some places will really help the flow of your chapters, because they get a bit choppy otherwise.

    Overall though, I think this has tons of potential. I'm definitely going to give the prequel a read before I read any more of this one. Great job! Cute
    January 21st, 2016 at 08:42pm
  • hangsang.

    hangsang. (210)

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    Alright, so I'm going into this story without having read the prequel. As the user below me said, putting up sequels to stories isn't exactly recommended.

    Summary:
    I do like what you did with the definition of Disenchant. However, I will say that the disclaimer isn't really necessary. I think it's a given that you don't own the famous people in the story.

    Chapter One:
    One thing I'll recommend right off the bat is the fact that you need to space out your paragraphs. Doing so will make the chapters easier to read.
    Woah, that guy sounds like a jerk. Yes, it's a dream, but wow. He definitely needs to check himself and stop treating his significant other(?) like that.
    The fact that you included the character's morning routine was kind of cliche, but if you're going for that, you definitely captured it perfectly. I do, however, like your word choices and descriptions.
    The sudden drop of information was really unexpected, but I kept up well enough.
    Alex's sudden entrance was also unexpected. Was he born in the previous story?

    I didn't notice any mistakes in the first chapter regarding spelling/grammar, though there was definitely an info dump that didn't really bother me, but would probably get to others. I do think this holds a lot of potential and I'll probably read the prequel before continuing this.

    Great job!
    January 17th, 2016 at 12:46am
  • Mary-Alice White

    Mary-Alice White (100)

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    Okay, so just a heads up for future reference, I wouldn't recommend putting up sequels for the comment thing. The reader would have to go back and read the story before and that might take longer than you would like. Maybe use the prequel instead?

    Otherwise, I like the the title. Some things I have noticed just in skimming the first chapter. When a character is angry about something or excited, don't write their dialogue in all caps. It's distracting. Show that character's emotion through action. Action speaks way louder than words. You can easily convey messages with action. So you're first sentence:

    'You are mine," he said as he towered over me like a giant, his face was red. His lips were pulled back into a snarl...

    Something like that. Obviously, use whatever you want to convey what the character is saying. Also, don't bold. I would avoid using ellipses. Instead, add a "he paused" or something. It's incredibly easy to over use the ellipses. I'm not saying don't use them. Just be aware that you're using them.

    So I noticed you did a small info dump in the first chapter. Unless you're going for cliche, I would find a better way to put that information there. Maybe, in conversation (briefly), or a flashback, which should be triggered by something that the character has encountered.

    So if you just have two characters talking and no one else is in the scene, you don't have to have a "he said/she said" after every dialogue. When you use it after everything a character says, the flow becomes choppy and it can be distracting.

    I would highly recommend adding space between your paragraphs. It's helps make the chapter seem less crowded and easier for readers to read. And with dialogue, try not to have only what a character says in a paragraph. Mix it up. Add what a character is thinking. And doing. Say a character has moved to look out the window to watch a bird. Actions help develop characters.

    Good job! Keep up the good work!
    January 15th, 2016 at 03:18am
  • deathXbeforeXdisco

    deathXbeforeXdisco (100)

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    @rachemical

    I'm glad you're still reading, comments or not(although comments do make my day tehe
    Aw, I'm so happy that you still feel this way! ^_^
    He is so sweet, I just wanna cuddle him... He is one of my favourite characters... my other being Pete :3
    That is honestly my favourite part of Bells and Gee's relationship.
    Haha, thank you for reading and commenting!
    September 4th, 2015 at 07:29am
  • rachemical

    rachemical (150)

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    Hi! I just realized I've never actually left another comment again despite still reading the story. My bad! I can't tell you how excited I am whenever I see a new notification pops up in my e-mail haha. I love how Bells is with Will now, he's such a sweetheart <3 I also love how Gerard acts all douchey towards Bells, yet he still turns to her when he hits rock bottom.
    Thanks for the countless updates, you're unstoppable! :)
    September 3rd, 2015 at 07:20pm
  • deathXbeforeXdisco

    deathXbeforeXdisco (100)

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    @ rachemical
    Thanks! You have no idea how much I appreciate you saying that and for taking the time to actually comment :)
    I'm honestly so keen to get this going again, even though I was doubtful anyone was still reading this, haha :)
    Anyway, thanks ^_^
    June 13th, 2015 at 02:50pm
  • rachemical

    rachemical (150)

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    holy shit you're back! I spent a whole day re-reading the prequel and I'm genuinely excited for this story :) looking forward to the next update!
    June 12th, 2015 at 11:31am
  • rachemical

    rachemical (150)

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    Yeay you're back! :D
    March 5th, 2013 at 11:28am
  • ImFromMars

    ImFromMars (100)

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    I got really surprised, but in a good 'I'm so excited' way, to see that you updated this! I love your writing, which you already know, and I've missed these characters so I'm very stoked to read more now. I also can't wait for the re-apperance o the guys, can't wait to see how that will work out this time around. All in all, I feel like you did a good choice by starting this story over, it feels a bit more thought through this time. Hope you're feeling it more now too. Okay I need to get ready for school, this was an awesome way to start my Monday, you're the best!
    March 4th, 2013 at 07:34am
  • Neon_Skies_Killjoy

    Neon_Skies_Killjoy (100)

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    >_>
    Yep I can tell where this is going.
    Ehe.
    September 8th, 2012 at 06:20pm
  • Live Lithium

    Live Lithium (100)

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    I really enjoyed Awake and Unafraid, but it's already sounding better. (: I'm really looking forward to the next update!
    August 28th, 2012 at 06:31pm
  • American_suiteheartx

    American_suiteheartx (100)

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    I liked Awake and Unafraid, but I can tell already I'm gonna like this one a bit better. I think the storyline is better and thought out. I can't wait for the next update :)
    August 26th, 2012 at 01:37am
  • BlueDream

    BlueDream (100)

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    looking forward to the new story :D
    August 25th, 2012 at 03:43am
  • X!CyanideXSymptom!X

    X!CyanideXSymptom!X (100)

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    YAY!!!!
    August 24th, 2012 at 10:25pm
  • TheAntsInvasion

    TheAntsInvasion (100)

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    I just finished the prequel, and I honest to god cannot wait for more of this. You're extremely talented.
    August 24th, 2012 at 10:23pm
  • ImFromMars

    ImFromMars (100)

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    Okay. So... asdffgkhl. Hi. Sorry, just felt like I needed to put that out there. I am not, in any way, saying that I didn't love A&U, because I did - which I'm pretty sure you already know - but I do feel like this is a 'better' way to pick up on where These bright lights ended. I don't know how to explain it, but this story seems more thought through and I know that you are proud of this and that you feel like this is an improvement from A&U. Well, what I'm trying to say is that you have all the rights to feel proud because you are a great writer, an amazing friend and I love you. The first chapter was intriguing and I am very excited to read more. xx
    August 24th, 2012 at 08:21pm
  • Neon_Skies_Killjoy

    Neon_Skies_Killjoy (100)

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    :3 I like this one better...
    Not that the other wasn't already great...
    So she's not gonna be with Bert?
    August 24th, 2012 at 07:50pm