January 21st, 2016 at 08:42pm
Alright, so I'm going into this story without having read the prequel. As the user below me said, putting up sequels to stories isn't exactly recommended.
Summary:
I do like what you did with the definition of Disenchant. However, I will say that the disclaimer isn't really necessary. I think it's a given that you don't own the famous people in the story.
Chapter One:
One thing I'll recommend right off the bat is the fact that you need to space out your paragraphs. Doing so will make the chapters easier to read.
Woah, that guy sounds like a jerk. Yes, it's a dream, but wow. He definitely needs to check himself and stop treating his significant other(?) like that.
The fact that you included the character's morning routine was kind of cliche, but if you're going for that, you definitely captured it perfectly. I do, however, like your word choices and descriptions.
The sudden drop of information was really unexpected, but I kept up well enough.
Alex's sudden entrance was also unexpected. Was he born in the previous story?
I didn't notice any mistakes in the first chapter regarding spelling/grammar, though there was definitely an info dump that didn't really bother me, but would probably get to others. I do think this holds a lot of potential and I'll probably read the prequel before continuing this.
Great job!
I always admire people who can write sequels, because I can never mamage to finish anything it seems like you have a solid plotline going on from the first story that is continuing on which is always nice to see. It makes the flow between the stories a bit nicer instead of having a sequel that doesn't make much sense, you know?
There was two things that stood out to me. The first was, like other commenters mentioned, that your paragraphs aren't really spaced. When everything is kind of smooshed together like that, it makes it quite hard to read. Especially with dialogue, when you have a new line make sure you hit enter twice so that things are seperated and it's easier to follow.
The second was that a lot of your sentences start with "I" and then go on to tell exactly what your character is doing. Which is good sometimes, but it's also nice to have some description in there as well. Showing instead of telling in some places will really help the flow of your chapters, because they get a bit choppy otherwise.
Overall though, I think this has tons of potential. I'm definitely going to give the prequel a read before I read any more of this one. Great job!