The War Inside - Comments

@Ambny @Katlight Sparkle @xLxOxVxEx @Silhouette
Thank you guys for commenting. it has really helped me out. I have updated and I promise to update more. I have this part of the story now finished so they should come more often. All of you have provided with such good criticism that I truly appreciate it! thanks! =)

-from comment swap-
So far it's pretty intresting. I like the point of view to written in. However your chapters are pretty short. To make them longer you could add more detail about the setting.

You are pretty good grammar, And it's fairly easy to follow. I have to agree with the other commenter that sometimes it does feel a lite jumbled up but overall I like it. I would be intrested to see where you are going with this.

Keep working, and don't give up. You are doing great.

~From comment swap:

This is an intriguing story, and it seems very original. Overall, it's nicely written, but there's a few things that could help make it better written. Number one being full spaces in between paragraphs.

In your second chapter, the tenses get a bit jumbled in the first couple of paragraphs. For example

It would be a lie to say that in this story, the lives that are lived are like everyone else’s. No, that doesn’t happen. But believe me when I say that I wish it did.

Changing it to past tense (as you're projecting and talking about things that have already happened) would really help things clearer while reading.

Their genes, when combined, would make a very strong, intelligent, and powerful child. Here, using conditional tense, which is a little odd, as presumablly Evelyn's parents did create such a child? In order to use the conditional, you need to create a condition. Like "According to tests, their genes would . . ."

And this sentence The technology before the American-German War of 2063 was very archaic. It seems out of place? I'm not sure what it has to do with all what's going on? Are supersoldiers now common and engineered more precisely than selective breeding?

**Brought here by comment swap**

This story is intriguing... I would hope to be able to read more. I especially enjoyed the ending that you gave her journal entry. That part definitely captivated me. Your grammar is also good for the most part so it does make the story easier to follow. Keep up the good work and I look forward to seeing an update.

This could use a bit of editing and a bit more clarity. Let's take a look at a bit: "The girl replayed the most recent events and shook her head. She asked her self why (...)" The first sentence doesn't really explain fully what she's doing. Sure, it's easy enough to infer that she's thinking over recent events, but that's not fully stated and it takes away from the flow. Also, "herself" is one word. Still, the journal entry bit ends in a very intelligent way- it gives people a reason to want to continue reading.