Life in Hiding - Comments

At first I found the idea of a bunch of kids robbing a jewellry store a bit farfetched, but I soon warmed to the idea. It;s a it of a fantasy, one I think we've all dreamed of! Who doesn't want to steal thousands and go on a wild car chase?

I was a bit sad to see that you may not continue this; I think the best option would be to take it down, rewrite and edit what you've got and finish the story offline. Post it up when you're done! It can be a great idea if you take time with ti.

This story was so interesting. I could tell that you put a lot of thought in to it. The daughter was a great idea. All in all this was a great story. That is not to say that there were a couple of problems. In the second chapter, there are two paragraphs where each sentence begins with I[i/]. That was my main problem with the story. You could throw a few complex sentences in there or reword them. Oh well, that is just my opinion. I still really want you too continue so I am subscribing. Keep up the great work. I really want to know what happened to Derek.

I'm from a comment swap -
While I like your plot line and characters, the layout does not do the story any justice. Maybe if you changed the color of the words and spaced them a bit closer together, it would be easier to read. While it is a really good story, there is a lot more potential for it.
Good job though.

I love love love this <3

This is the secret world I reside in. This is the guilt that consumes me.

I crush the black leather in my fingers and it bites into my skin. The engagement rings, the diamond necklaces and the pearl broaches ring inside. I course through the heavy glass door of Taylorson Gems streaming towards a running Mustang GT. The stolen car is sleek black and reflects my racing form. Covered in black I squint back at my revealing brown eyes. Fear burns through and excitement dances at the edges.

The alarms grind against my black clothed mind. The car nudges forward. I leap through the window and grip myself onto the loose seat belt. I pull my feet into the car.

Jacoby punches the car through the streets, kicking the gas hard and jabbing the wheels through the busy city of New York.

Jacoby smirks down at me and flicks a wink as I pull myself up to sit straight.

"What were you thinking?" He breathes. The adrenaline thrills his mind as swerves through the city. Distant sirens begin and I glance back at the packed streets of citizens.

"Jewels. Closing my hands around the cold hard stones. Taking them along." I grind the leather bag into my shoulders and give it a kiss.

"You about got killed."

"Nah, you're my back up plan."

"You know in Arab countries stealing is punishable by losing your hand. And they say whoever steals receives curses from the orphans and widows to who the money truly belongs." Jacoby whispers. I straighten my posture. My smile drips off my mouth.

"They slice your hand clean off. Even on the first offence." My eyes swirl in my head. He glances at me. A car honks at us as he cuts it off.

"Of course, not in New York I guess. They can hardly keep up with us here."

"How could Plan J ever fail?" I say trying to pour confidence into my words.

"You're right. Not possible." Jacoby pulls into an ally and points past a ten foot silver fence to a four story building.

"Plan J awaits." I breath humid air into my now dry mouth. I open the door. I charge at the the fence and lung over.

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I added some imagery here, I hope you can see it. I tried to give Jacoby and Dakota a conscience so they start showing that guilt you mentioned in the summary lines.

All the best writing.

Comment swap. First off, you have an interesting idea going for you, but I think you put too much in one chapter, as if you were rushing. I feel like if you made your first chapter the epilogue and then begin writing about how it all started and keep going, then having this chapter. Did that make any sense?

Dear shelbygengeance,

The King has sent us for you. We traveled across the Sea of Torment, tiptoed through the Forest of Truth and finally tumbled out onto the Beach of Vengeance. Here you are with your story resting by a shell.

We are the Knights of Comment Swap here to aid your story.

The King by no means wants to behead you or punish you, he has left his violent ways for literary goals. Although, had he not, your cliches would irk him to madness. Instead he has transformed. He has been enlightened by the poetry of the countries, the hidden intelligence in the present and the beauty of the Arabic written Quran.

He wished to relay more beautiful knowledge, however for time's sake, we decided to sum his seven kilogram letter for you.

Shall we begin?

This comment is an example for you. Look at the tone of voice, you may even feel that true Knights who feel attached to a noble King write to you.

We want to bring to your mind what will help you improve.

Your main problem is that your story swims in cliches. You lack description and detail and your characters are not unique. Typical teenagers after the materialistic draws of a western society.

You glorify the life of a thief. It's a fantasy story of course, however, some beliefs and morals instilled inside the characters would bring some zest to the characters. They would be more interesting. There would be something to remember.

Bring in details, dialogue, descriptions, and imagery. Don't tell us everything, show us.

Don't leave out stories of her horrible childhood, bring them in with dialogue and descriptions of her mother and father. Your story plot is unique don't let cliches cover it up!

Cliches are those familiar plots, characters, scenes, phrases and stories. They are over used which makes them cliche. The familiarity of them, however, draws us to them. Avoid them! You are an Author Warrior! Fight these cliches off for your legendary tale, fight them off to show your true mind, let not the evils of cliches guide your story. Take your story by the hand and take it to the mountains and heights of wherever you please.

Fill the pages of the story like the mind of the narrator would be filled. If her mother was horrible and kept her locked up; or was amazingly nice and doting and caring, shouldn't she think about this a lot? Bring more attention to it. Use her thoughts. Explain why she left.

If her life was okay, then why did you say right after that that it sucked? That was an editing mistake perhaps. Do edit your stories. Keep your plot flowing.

Being mysterious is fine, but being vague is not. Be specific. Bring in characters, plots and settings in for a reason.

Setting is important. Several Knights floated off into the imaginative space of your story until you mentioned the building.

Also play with sentence length:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

This letter may take time to soak in, let the rays wave through your mind and splash through to your creativity. From there, let the creativity stream from your mind and freshen the pages. Let it flow an bring forth your original mind.

Also, bring in unique words. For example, you overused the word ran. Instead use words like swished (as if she was like the wind), or bolted (as if she was as fast as a hammer hitting a nail), or streamed through the streets (as though nothing could stop her). Your choice of words gives foreshadowing, clarity and allows readers to catch subtle hints you drop. We will send you an example of this.

All the best writing. Farewell young author.

Truly,

The Knights of Comment Swap

I love how you start with action and immediately I'm compelled to continue reading so that's a big plus for your story.

I'm not too fond of the layout, it's quite annoying and even though I was quite concentrated on reading your story, the background as well as the color of the writing was a thorn in my eye.

You could be a bit more descriptive of your characters and not rush everything too much, it's very important not to rush your writing. Take the time to flesh out your characters and describe your surroundings, it would do your story a world of good.

The spelling is wonderful, but the grammar could do with a bit of work. All in all this is a wonderful story, it just needs a bit of work.

I'm sorry, I couldn't get passed the first paragraph.

"It didn't suck or anything"

Why would they leave the comfort of their homes at such a young age? Or, you shouldn't tell the reader this, I liked how it started though. But, it really needs improving, especially since you make her sound like a brat right away =/

So, it starts great, a lot of excitement, but I personally feel you should have drawn that excitement out, or introduce the character. It felt like you meshed the introduction with introcutory action. What I mean by this, is you could have started with her introducing herself

I.e My name is Dakota... That's been my life.

Then jump into the car chase.

Or, do the car chase, but don't actually introduce her, but instead flesh out the chase, and at the end, when she's on the couch or somewhere else, add an intro, if necessary.

The only other comment I can add is just double check your grammar. The writing is a bit awkward, though the spelling was great.

Don't take personal offense to anything I'm about to say. I'm only trying to help you become a better writer.

The story took off way too fast for me. Too much information is shoved at the reader all at the same time and it's a lot to understand and take in. It sounds sort of cliche, a great deal of it reminded me of an action movie with some homeless kid in it.

Your grammar needs some work, and I think you might want to look into getting a beta for your dialogue. You've used periods when you should have had commas.
EX:

"You about got killed." Jacoby stated.

It should be: "You about got killed," Jacoby stated. You use a comma for statements like that.

Besides your mistakes, I think you have an interesting story, even if it's not really realistic. She's sixteen and on the run from the cops with an eight month old child....? I just...I can't really believe that.

again, please don't think I'm attacking you with my comment. I'm just trying to make you see your errors; there's always room for improvement!

I'll admit, right off the bat, that the layout and summary don't really entice me to read further. The layout clashes with the lack of colour pattern and and overall doesn't have much appeal, and the short summary doesn't really give me any taste of what the story's about.

Your plot is interesting and definitely has a lot of potential, I like the fact that the reader is immediately thrust into the action and that it definitely consumes you the moment you start to read.

Your writing style is choppy and has no real flow to it, which definitely is a turn-off. Delve more into the emotions, the settings, more it more real and vivid in my mind. How is she feeling? Is her heart racing? What is the setting like? Is the dark, light? What is the expression on Jacoby's face? These little details will bring more life to your story that now sits dull and flat.

I like the mystery of Marcus and the dynamic of the friendships between all the characters you can obviously tell they're close. I also like how you get a sense of her Dakota's personality throughout.

A couple other things that are small, never go I'm blank and I'm however years old and I blah blah, find a way to slip it into the story, but never just info dump in the middle of a story. Also, check your tenses, you go from past to I ran and then Austin drives to present.

Overall, it has potential but just needs some polishing it make it into a gem. :3

Comment Swap:

The first chapter is interesting enough, but what I noticed was that you tended to use short sentences. A suggestion is to string one or two short sentences together, which will make the paragraph seem less choppy and flow better. Your dialogues are okay, but can be improved if it's not just a question and answer.

Building up some suspense is also a good way to keep the reader hooked, particularly a cliff-hanger in the last paragragh, although this might be my personal preference. Good work, though!

~Comment Swap~
So I really like the story line, and it grabbed my attention from the first line because it was so dramatic. I do think you should maybe make the line spacing a little farther apart, because the words kind of get mushed into each other and kept making me lose my place. I would avoid using lines like, "you maybe wondering what's going on;" but that may just be my own stylistic preference. Either way, this has the potential to be a really interesting story, so keep it up!

~From Comment Swap:

Layout I think it's a little all over the place for my taste, and the green on black is kind of harsh on the eyes along with everything being in italics although it does sort of make me feel like a hacker.

Story There's a lot of potential here, but there's a few things that could be cleaned up that could make things better, easier to understand and flow better.

First off, you're kind of heavy handed with the dialogue tags. You have yelled, stated, replied, asked, mumbled, told, and so on and so forth, and the word said doesn't show up once. They're called said bookisms, and they can be distracting. Really distracting when they're continuously strung together. Said might be boring, but it has the beautiful quality of being basically invisible. So try that. Or just close the quotes off with no tags. Your dialogue should be able to speak for itself.

The other big thing is probably your exposition dump right in the beginning. There's a better more subtle ways to work in back information instead of just plunking it down in the middle of the high speed chase scene, which really bogs things down and distracts from the moment.