Sinister Eyes - Comments

The layout, I'll admit, doesn't appeal much to me. I understand giving it an air of darkness and foreboding in connection to the story, but it's a little too dark for my tastes. And the burgundy against black is hard on the eyes, contrast colours, light and dark not dark and dark. The factions should have either a dash or a colon in front of it, not a period. Rayson should have an is following, not a comma. You should either take out the though or put a comma after academy. It should be they're not their. No comma after Rayon for the kidnapping sentence. Again, they're not their.

I think the summary is a little long and drawn out, it's a lot of information at once. I think, keep the fact of the two factions, mention that he's kicked out the military for whatever and that he's on the run and scrap the rest to add in the story. I don't need all the information, just a the main points for the summary.

The premise itself is really thought-out though, I can tell, and overall really interesting. It's nothing something I've read before which is really good because it definitely has a lot of originality behind it, and that always sets it apart from other stories. :3

After fast, it should probably be a comma and then I knew that entering that door would change my life forever- watch your tenses, make sure they're all past. Eyes has no apostrophe. Gave her, not have her.

I like Ally, she's an interesting character and so far is really drawing me to the story. Haha, I like how unladylike she is. c:

It should be the took you from your parents and all you're doing is. It should be when we we're told to.

I like the atmosphere you've created, I can definitely get the formal feel and the way the world works there, just from how they take and the way Cedric announces everything that's happening, you've done a really good job with that. Especially with the test and everything, you can tell how serious all of this is and how much loyalty is important. It's a very strict atmosphere and you've really portrayed it excellently.

I like Rayson too, he's different and you can already tell his story will be an interesting one. The only thing is re-read your writing and what your homonyms and all that, because you switch them up sometimes. Otherwise, good job! :3

Amazing story so far. The first chapter I didn't catch any spelling or grammar errors. The seconds chapter had a few errors though. I like how you are writing this story. It must be hard for those kids. You describe the scene of it very well. You are actually doing a good job for your first story. Keep up the great work. I can't wait for the next chapter to see what happens. :)