Rivalries - Comments

A tempest.
Thank you and I'm trying to get up the nnext chapter now but I have to type it up.

I like it! Usually, I'm not too into dragons and fantasy stories , but I did enjoy this a lot. It's good! Update often! I like it. :)

@ ChachiGonzales_

I'll try to tommorow if I have the chance :)

This is such a great story! LIKE IM IN LOVE! I just finished reading the chapters! please update!

That sounds exciting. Have you read The Guardians of Ga'Hoole? Its a book about young owls and it gives each character an amazing description. The author is very talented. She makes the young owls have interesting personalities and I think you would like the story. Also it is a good example for animal worlds.

All the best :)

First, WOW! Even your comment has been extrodinarily detailed! Thank you for this by the way but, as you said in the comment you have just typed I am still young; eight years younger than you actually. While your advice is strongly appreciated I have been writing this down on notebook paper aswell and to be honest, the reason the dialogue in my story had not been more mature and well thought out as a wiser and older human-being is so that it will show how young Vision and Fawns are. They are only twelve year olds and are still young and sre naturally going to use less descriptive words and phrases, as for adding into the adventuer that will eventually come, as for now I am simply trying to give some base and background to the story. As the story grows Vision and Fawns will come acrss older and wiser dragons who will use the more dechipired tones and phrases as they speak. I will try my hardest to incoraporate some of the things you have pointed out to me. Thanks again for the comment and hopefully you will continue to read the story as it progresses!

Dear |-Silent-|,

The King sent me for your story. I searched for you in the caverns of mountains, in the streams of lakes and in the trees of forests. Each sound I made caused your disappearance. It took many deaf and long nights to locate you.

I am a Knight of Commenting here to aid and commend your story.

Your originality drips from your pages. Although there is a certain depth alluding your piece. Perhaps your plot should be thickened with details brought forth to foreshadow the future and describe the past.

One thing that would make your story more interesting would be making the dragons more mature. They should have olden time speech, not always talk with exclamations marks, and they should have unique perspectives on how life should be lived as a young adventurous dragon. For now they seem slightly lazy and slightly unadventurous.

Mostly you could improve on dialogue and plot.

Plot wise it would be best to bring in stories of how Vision knows of all these pieces of information. Like who told her about Deathly Vengeance, when everyone dies around the scary dragon? Maybe she had a vision? And then you should also explain the two young dragons' lives in more detail. Even her visions should be described in detail. Saying simply that they lounge around all day and have eating competitions and say Hi to their elemental friends is kind of boring.

These are dragons with power! They should do something more exciting! They should be testing their skills on mountains, have tournaments to test their skills, go save others, go after the most dangerous dragon they have ever heard of. You tell us they are adventurous, but they don't seem it. They seem rather lazy.

Show us what you tell us, otherwise we won't believe you.

You should describe more about what is around them. If the bird songs were inviting, say how. Give details that make it inviting. So the readers can see the appeal. Perhaps we can see the way a dragon is mystfied by a bird's song. Perhaps it's no ordinary bird song, perhaps its dangerous. Perhaps that very feeling of invitation into the forest is not safe. Perhaps there is something waiting inside?
-Basically explain why the bird song is inviting. She could go in to the forest happily, or she could go into the forest entranced by a mystical song. There are many possibilities.

Fill the pages of your story as the mind of the narrator dragon is filled. If she is thinking about how unique she is, perhaps she is testing her powers on a cliffside? Perhaps she sees a vision that tells her of the friend coming forth? Perhaps she has a memory recall of the other dragons conversation with her about how dragons' abilities must show on their bodies. How they wouldn't believe anything else, or any other way, which is how she hides her visions.

Show us the details instead of telling us. You are showing us a whole world correct? So that means you need to show more than the thought stream of your dragon, you must show what she does, what is around her, how her weight is a problem on skinny cliffs.

As for the dialogue.

"Let's go hunting!" He said.

"Okay!" I said

"Don't try tricking me again Vision! I'm watching you!" He called out.

"I wouldn't think of it." I lied.

Instead...maybe:

"Vision I found a herd heading southwest on the mountain trails. They were passing the twisting oaks. Care to join me?" His deep emerald scales gleam under the sun. The deep dark coal eyes of my friend twinkle at his invitation for me.

"I love migration season. Now tell me who strikes first?"

"So it's a game today? You strike first, I can't bare you pushing me into the streams again. Sometimes your trickery is far too childish for me."

"Alright, today you are spared. I am not childish. All mature dragons push each other into streams. Look how your scales sparkle now." I bare a toothy grin.

"You know very well how sick I get if my mouth goes into salt waters." He says and turns and hits his metal tail against my leg.

"Come, I'm famished." He says.

We lift off. Our mighty weighted wings sweep whirlwinds into the ground. We stream into the humid air, swirling higher into the cool skies, and flapping southwest towards our prey.

Does that not sound cooler and more mature? Here you get a feel for what they usually do, while imagining some setting.

Also, since the King has specialized one of is doctorate degrees in Dragonology he believes your story would be aided if the dragons are more fierce around each other, more respectable and dignified, more collected in their thoughts. He also sends this example to aid you in your sentence flow:

"This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important."

He hopes for you good writing.

Farewell young writer.

Truly,

A Knight of Commenting

@ TarJeene

You mean like getting it published?

Yes, you honestly don't see too many fantasy stories on here, let alone in the perspective of a creature rather than a human! Which I thought was a great twist, it made it that much more interesting to read. That's excellent, you should really try and do something about it! :)

@ TaraJanee

Wow, thank you! :) I noticed when the idea came to me that the concept for this was new to Mibba, or atleast, I haven;t seen any similar to it in the month I've been here. And, actually, one of my friends teacher's actually knows of a few publishing companies! :)

This has been written beautifully, it could make for a legitimate book you could publish! I love the concept, I've never read anything like this before so it's all new and different to me, but the way you describe them! Wonderful writing! :)

I'm really impressed, this story is good so far :D

I'm really impressed, this story is good so far :D

@ l-Silent-l
Pssh xD but your book rocks!

@ToTheMoon

Lol xD

@ l-Silent-l
Oh xD yeah.. I hate dragons xD

@ToTheMoon

Lol, I meant the comment about dragons are your fave! xD

@ l-Silent-l
Dont put yourself down chicka!

Lol, we both know that's a lie xDDDD (Just had to pint that out :P)

Your such a talented writer!