A Mouse Named Rupert - Comments

I love little rodent creatures especially rats and mice so it was nice to be allocated a rodent story in my first comment swap. I think this is really nicely written and I'd love to hear more of this little critters adventures. To be honest I can't quite work out what the people are doing in chapter two (I know I'm not too bright). I'd certainly like to keep updated of new additions :)

Oh Thank you!

@ isinhapaula
Hey thanks for the comment!

Hm, I thought about turning it into a series, but I prefer writing short stories (so only one chapter)

I'll be sure to check out your stories!

Hey, I'm here from comment swap but this end is really good. I didn't know that it could be ending like this. It is a simple story and I really think that you should make it into a series. Go for it. If you want to visit my stories it will be great. Nice Job and keep up the good work.

@ Kainder
It didn't have a punch because there really couldn't be one unless suddenly Rupert became a humanoid version of himself. I purposely chose a difficult P.O.V. because I wanted a challenge (how to engage a reader through the eyes of a narrator that can't speak, can't walk and can't understand the situations around him)

I do admit that this work needs to be looked over (it's on my to-do list, I'm thinking of putting it all into one chapter)

The "pointless" elements in the text are simple ways to add depth to the story. If I didn't do this, the story wouldn't make any sense. With the unnamed characters, their purpose is simply to hint towards the reader that something a mouse can't understand is happening.

In a way, this story can be compared to a really distorted childhood memory, especially during catastrophes. You're young, you can't see much, you don't understand, and you only hear snippets of conversations that are too complex.

I also like the abrupt end! I think it's my favourite part! :)

(Did you know that the original version was only the first chapter? I added more because I thought I could start a little series, but then I remembered that mice don't have long life expectancies and... well... [haha])

@ Kainder
It didn't have a punch because there really couldn't be one unless suddenly Rupert became a humanoid version of himself. I purposely chose a difficult P.O.V. because I wanted a challenge (how to engage a reader through the eyes of a narrator that can't speak, can't walk and can't understand the situations around him)

I do admit that this work needs to be looked over (it's on my to-do list, I'm thinking of putting it all into one chapter)

The "pointless" elements in the text are simple ways to add depth to the story. If I didn't do this, the story wouldn't make any sense. With the unnamed characters, their purpose is simply to hint towards the reader that something a mouse can't understand is happening.

In a way, this story can be compared to a really distorted childhood memory, especially during catastrophes. You're young, you can't see much, you don't understand, and you only hear snippets of conversations that are too complex.

I also like the abrupt end! I think it's my favourite part! :)

(Did you know that the original version was only the first chapter? I added more because I thought I could start a little series, but then I remembered that mice don't have long life expectancies and... well... [haha])

I like it. It's unique, it's different, and you've set a bar above the rest. Your writing style seems like- given a longer more...involved...story it could be very whimsical. Which is nice, if you know when whimsicality needs to stop and straight forward narration needs to begin.

But back to this story, this was artfully short and I can appreciate that, but I wish it packed more of a punch. It reads rather blandly, in my opinion, three short paragraphs that are linked only by the mouse. The transition is poor, and some of the things you say seem utterly pointless because they only fill space. They never link to a bigger picture.

For example, 'was he right'? A gentleman never mentioned again, never named, whatever he was right about isn't eluded to in anyway? What's the point of this notation?

I like the abrupt end, it seems very appropriate, and it holds a certain finality.

I like this take on an end of the world situation because it's totally different than what's usually presented. You did a good job with the imagery from the mouse's perspective, and it seemed like we were living in his world rather than a humanoid mouse's. Your writing style was also good, nothing was written awkwardly and I didn't see any grammar errors.
I'm not sure why you needed three chapters to this, because each chapter is little more than a paragraph. It would read smoother, and I would be more inclined to read it if it was just one section, but divided within the content somehow.
All in all, it was a nice little piece to get from the comment swap.

@ midnight sunshine x
Yeppers, and yeah, poor Barney, he was only trying to survive! Maybe he was going to feed his family or something?

Hm, I don't think I can bring Rupert back, but I can make a small homage to him in the series I'm developing ;)

@ Ragdoll.
Have I never replied to you?! I'm so sorry!

Thank you for the comment, and yes I do enjoy a simple layout!

I'm sorry, but did sweet little Rupert just get blown to smithereens by a nuclear bomb!? Or is that just me getting confused..... Anyway! I loved this, short and sweet but I felt so sorry for Barney!!! I know he was trying to eat Rupert, but STILL!! I want to read more Rupert adventures, reincarnate him or make him an angel mouse!!! I get a bit overexcited sometimes.... :-)

*Comment Swap*
This was quite funny :) I enjoyed reading through it even without intense description. I found that it was the perfect story length for Rupert's adventures.
I loved the layout. Very nice and simple. And I hope Rupert has some more adventures soon!

@ magz15
who said mice don't exist in 2030? ;)

also, i think i'm going to post a chapter tomorrow. the length is very short because i kind of like seeing how confused the readers get and what type of questions that are asked, like you're the only person who has questioned the identity of "He" =D

thank you for your comment!

Comment Swap brought me here. Normally, I have to read stories that are like eight chapters long, which normally I don’t mind at all. Although sometimes it’s somewhat annoying, especially when I’m kind of short on time, like right now. However, when I saw that yours was only one chapter long, it was quite refreshing. I expected it to be somewhat longer, but I’m not complaining. Now, to cut to the chase. This story is adorable. It’s so short, but in the little you say, I’m able to kind of see what kind of mouse Rupert is. That sounds kind of stupid, but it’s kind of true. I just wish that there was a little bit more detail. Like I said, the shortness is refreshing, but it’s almost too short. Like, how did it get to be the year 2030. And when the humans said ‘was he right?’ who did they mean by HE? And why were they in fright? Maybe I’m just reading too much into the story, but I was just curious. Nonetheless, great job. It says that this is to become a series, so I hope that there is more to come. I kind of want to know how Rupert escaped and Barney didn’t haha. Write more soon!

@ cups.
I should change that, it's too weird for kids hahaha

*comment swap*

Okay. Honestly I enjoyed this, and you should have seen my face when I saw the title! Made me want to see who this "mouse" was. Then, the story told everything it needed! And I see below its a children story? Haha I liked this(:

@ Tre.
A mere mouse wouldn't care for such useless information

Also, it really wouldn't be appropriate for a children's tale, since it's the end of the world during the story

This didn't actually work as a short story. We don't know anything about the characters, the dates, nothing. This was under developed, which is unfortunate. It could have make for a good children's tale if thought had been put into it.

You said that this will become a series; in which i hope we'll learn more about Rupert, Barney and this intriguing date. From reading this, I can tell Rupert would be an interesting character. I hope you do more with this!

@ NinthLife
It's a mouse, mice don't exactly dwell on how to describe things. I make it very curt to get you into his mind and how fast it races.

O, ok. I think even though it was a short story it could have been a tad bit longer. The idea is good, but the writing needs to be completely flawless if your going to pull it off. You don't actually NEED more detail like the people below are saying, you just need better word
choice. However; more detail would make the piece better in my opinion.