You'll Be My Worst Kept Secret And My Biggest Mistake - Comments

I finally caught up, fuck yeah! I honestly was very angry with how Pete was acting for most of the chapters. I wish I could have smacked him. But Olivia was pissing me off too. I'm glad they ended up in an agreement at least.

You're doing a wonderful job, hun. Just make sure to slow down a little and make sure you're putting spaces in the right spot and spelling things correctly. I've noticed the word "experience" is one of the main words you have trouble with. Just try to make sure to use spell check or something when writing. Besides that I really love it. c:

Aww, they're so cute. I'm glad their relationship is blossoming, it will be good for both of them.

I'm soooooo sorry I haven't commented on this chapter in so long. I've been stressing and what not about random stuff, I'm sorry. But this chapter was very good. It made me laugh a little that her mom was so wiling to instantly be like "oh, okay" but yeah. Can't wait for more <3

So I don't really know much about Fall Out Boy, but I do know who Pete Wentz is, so I did enjoy reading this! I like how Olivia isn't the bad girl OR the innocent girl, she's a mix in between. And I like the fact that her parents are so easygoing about talking to her about sex and everything.

I also like how Pete is very professional when she tries to flirt with him instead of doing it back like they do in most stories. There were a couple grammatical errors here and there, but nothing too major. Overall, I liked it!

Ahhhh. I'm glad we finally saw Pete's POV on this whole deal. I quite enjoyed this one. I like how Patrick is the outside mind of all this to help him think. Besides, I love Patrick so it's a win win for me, aha. It's wonderful love and I can't wait for more<3

Grammar and Spelling:

Your grammar is very good! The only mistakes I noticed were very minor!

Ch 1. In this line "He has to have something to see me in and baggy cloths isn't it." I think you meant clothes instead of cloths.

Ch. 1 In this line: "Baskett ball isn't really my thing I don't want to break a nail or worse put these boys to shame." I think you meant basketball instead of basket ball.

Ch 2. This line: “Olivia knew he was watching her though she could feel it, his eyes on her she knew he liked what he saw, but she couldn't figure out how to figure out if he liked her back or not..” seemed a little weird. I think it was the two ‘figure out’s in a row, so that could be easily fixed!

Ch 2. In this line “Olivia sighed as perusal she went to Gym,” I think you meant per usual instead of perusal.

Ch 2. In this line: “but so fare she'd gotten nothing” I think you meant far instead of fare, and you forgot a period at the end.

Style:

I think your writing is excellent! Everything flows together very nicely, and all of your sentence structures fit together very well. The only thing that I didn’t like was the point of view switch from first person to third person, but that could just be my personal preference! Other than that, I think the writing was phenomenal!

Concept:

I like that you took this story in another direction by making Pete a P.E. teacher. You combined to very popular things (band fics and student/teacher romances) and I think it ended up working in your favor!

Plot:

I really like the plot of this story! It is fun watching Olivia and Pete’s relationship develop. I think this is a plot that would appeal to many readers because it has so many elements in it, and you do them very well!

Characters:
Olivia

Olivia is a very interesting character. She is very forward about liking Mr. P, which is unusual for teacher fics, because the girl is usually shy and awkward, so I like how open she is. It really makes her stand out from other characters in teacher fics. I also like how sassy she is. It’s very funny and is one of my favorite aspects of her.

Olivia's Parents

I liked that Olivia's parents weren't overbearing/mean/abusive like I tend to see in band fics. She had normal parents, and that's something I can relate to, so I really liked that element, and I thought they were good characters!

Pete Wentz

I like that he continues to try to be professional in the beginning of the story, even though Olivia is flirting with him. He stands his ground and I really like that about him.

Lisha

Lisha is the voice of reason, and I just love her! She is always trying to snap Olivia back to reality and she adds an interesting element to the story. Overall, I think she works with the plot very well.

Chapter One:

I really like how you started out this chapter and the story. The way you kept using him in a mysterious way during the first paragraph was really enticing. I like that it set up Olivia's passion for Pete Wentz and Fall Out Boy. It was cute!

I thought it was funny how flirty she was with him towards the end of the chapter. She was being pretty obvious and he seemed totally clueless!

Chapter Two:

I love the YOLO reference at the beginning! That was too funny! Olivia is getting very frustrated with Mr. P, but she refuses to give up, even with Lisha trying to snap some sense into her! Pete seems to be liking her a bit more in this chapter. He even blushed when she invited him out! I thought it was funny when he was teasing her about her being creepy for liking his band! Pete is finally opening up to her about his music and his feelings! I like it!

First I got to say I love your layout

Now with your story,
I found this quite interesting, I haven't read much FOB fanfics but this one out of the ones I've read I totally like. It almost feels like an original fiction which I like to see in fanfics. I love the mixture of descriptions and dialogue.

I cant wait to see how this ends
Keep up the good work :)

Sorry it took so long to read this. I really liked it. A few of the tenses of words confused me a bit but I don't really know if it was what you typed or just my brain not functioning. It's still a lovely story, even tho Pete is confusing as hell. He says he doesn't want something and then he does, it's just...ugh! Lol, still can't wait for more dear <3

Hi, I'm back again! This time, my comment will be solely on chapter two.

I must admit I didn't really understand some parts of the chapter as the paragraph was a whole big chunk of mess. Let's look into this paragraph:

"No, that isn't Yolo." A teacher scolded Olivia and her friend Lisha the was in English learing about "Carpe Diem, means seize the day." The teacher said pinching the bridge of her nose while allowing another student to speak, "Like that song by Avenged Sevenfold?" The student asked..
It was obvious the teacher was frustrated as Olivia watched her lick her cracked dry lips, sighing as she looked around the while room with the dull un decorated walls, she felt more like she was in a prison in this room then any other room in the whole school.

I had to read and re-read this paragraph to understand that the teacher was reprimanding Olivia for not paying attention in class. I'm going to re-arrange the sentences so that it'll make a better paragraph for readers to understand.

"No, that isn't YOLO," Olivia's English teacher scolded her and her best friend, Lisha.

They were learning about the meaning of carpe diem, and Olivia could not be bothered to give [insert teacher's name here] the correct answer as she had other 'more important' matters to think about, rather than finding out the meaning of some Latin phrase.

"In case you were wondering, carpe diem means 'seize the day', Miss [insert Olivia's surname here]."

Olivia simply rolled her eyes at the teacher and looked around the classroom, sighing. The dull, undecorated walls made her feel like she was in a prison, rather than school. She vaguely heard [insert teacher's name here] droning on and on about seizing the day and something to do with a reference to a student's answer.

I've omitted some parts as you can see. Another thing to take note of is when you're writing dialogues, try to seperate them into paragraphs and not lump them together.

I was surprised at your sudden time-shift. I was reading about Olivia in gym class and the next thing I knew, she was suddenly at her party! It was like, "poof!" In order not to make your readers be thrown off in your sudden shift of place and time, put in a divider in between the paragraphs.

"What's your plan?" She asked, smiling "If I couldn't make him want me in slutty cloths I'll show him I clean up nice, and well its my birthday I have to look good tonight." She winked, "So bitch what did you get me?" She asked though she knew her friend would make her wait till midnight.

"Hey, my gift was borrowing my clothes," she teased "Not cool man." She pouted as they headed and got what they needed...

Oliva had bought a black and pink dress, black shoes, and a tiara that said birthday bitch on it in pink she had a very rock or scene look going though from the way she'd exsasorised, ((I don’t know how to spell the world properly.)) she was with her friend now at the party a drink in hand, "You ready for a good time tonight?" She asked her friend as she pointed at David.

I change it to this:

"What's your plan?" Lisha asked, smiling.

"If I couldn't make him aroused when I'm dressed in slutty clothes, I'll make sure he would be when I'm cute and decent. It's my birthday afterall and I have to look good tonight," Olivia grinned. "So bitch, what did you get for me?"

"Not telling," Lisha replied, smirking. "You'll get to know it later, bitch."

-----

Olivia had bought a black and pink dress, black shoes and a tiara that said 'Birthday Bitch' on it in pink. She had a rock, or 'scene' look going on, judging by the way she had accessorized herself. Drink in hand while pointing to David, she asked [insert name here], "You ready to have a good time tonight?"

I like the way you play with your dialogue, putting in references from Fall Out Boy's songs. It seems relax and not forced and I like to read dialogues which flow smoothly.

Don't forget my tips and pointers, especially the paragraphing for your dialogue. It's important not to lump them together.

Another hint. I know you're pretty weak in your spelling, so I suggest to have a dictionary with you always when writing. I always have both dictionary and thesaurus while writing, so that I can check my spelling and find more vocab to substitute the common words. I can't write without them.

Thank you for commenting on my FOB fic. I know you're uncomfortable with the witch and ritual thingie, but that's the main plot of the story actually. It's because of Maiya being a witch that so many unfortunate events befell on her. I'm not going to elaborate as I haven't written the ongoing chapters yet.

Sorry that I took so long to comment and this commentary will only be for the first chapter as I haven't gotten to the next yet. I don't want to keep you waiting, or having you to think that I bailed out on our comment swap. No, that's not the kind of person I am.

Okay, I'll start off with the nitpicky stuffs first. I'm not saying that your writing is bad and my writing is good, because I must admit, I suck as well. My writing is nothing, compared to some of the writers in Mibba. However, I realise there is quite a number of errors in your chapter, be it from grammar to sentence structure.

I don't understand why you have to leave a sentence hanging, rather to end it with a full stop. For example:

It wasn’t at all surprising when she typed the name Pete Wentz, in to a search bar and was greeted with, inappropriate pictures of his nether regions...

They just wanted her to be safe and it didn't really help matters much that she'd hit puberty way early, earlier then most girls did.. That time of the month was very painful for her and because of that she'd been put on a birth control pill..

Usually, I'll leave a sentence hanging only in dialogues, such as when the character is fumbling for the right words to say. For example:

Louis came back to his senses. "Sorry, I was a little distracted with your, uh..." he trailed off.

"What? My appearance?" Shea prompted.

Hope this will make you understand a little more.

I'm not sure whether it's a typo or what, but there are a few words spelt wrongly, such as Baskett ball, skillz and tword.

There are a few others, but I'm not going in too deep as you might simply be turned off by me. :/

That aside, we'll see your good points! You manage to convince me to dislike a main character, to the point of me wanting to throw her over the bridge. Olivia is simply... slutty. I'm sorry to say this, but seeing that she's only twelve and trying to hit on her gym class coach (who undoubtedly, a total fittie even at that age) turns me off. Really. So kudos on making me hate the main character.

You make Pete pretty 'tame', since he's a gym class teacher afterall. I'm happy that you didn't make him to be some kind of pedophile. Otherwise, I'll be all But! I haven't read the following chapters yet...

Kudos on the layout as well. Ah, I remembered Petey being all emo and clingy with Patrick. I miss them so much!

And I'll end my ridiculously long commentary for now. Once I'm done reading the rest of the chapters, I'll come back to fill up your comment box.

Please do not take it too hard on my critism as I do this for each story I receive in the comment swap. I'm not trying to bring you down, but I want you to learn from your mistakes and become a better writer. I respect all writers and their stories on Mibba.

I like all the descriptions you have in this story! I think it's really great that you found a way to make your description and dialogue flow really well together. I reall like how the second chapter gives a lot of insight into Olivia's different thought patterns, and it gives a good glimpse into her personality. We can see from the way she interacts with other characters how she thinks and feels. We can see a lot of her emotions and it really helped me get to know her better. I really like the way she idolizes certain people in certain ways and thinks about others differently. Lisha and Olivia's conversation in the second chapter with Lisha was kind of funny. Lisha got sassy with Olivia in a way, but Olivia retorted right back and it was really clever! I really enjoyed reading this story and I hope you keep writing it!

I'm not really a Pete Wentz fan like this but I quite like this. I'm a freak and like the thoughts of rockstars becoming teachers. I just never tried since I felt like it was outside my writing abilities. But you do it very well. I just kind of dislike Olivia as a person, she reminds me of someone I know and makes me want to stab her lol. But I can't wait for more. c: