Black Kiss - Comments

*short story contest*
I think this story was absolutely great. First of all, I loved your title. It's mysterious, a bit dark and makes readers interested. Now, after reading your story the title is also very meaningful. It fits your story amazingly.
As for the first chapter, I think it was great. The way you told that her life would change like that, she'd lose everything, her dreams and her future. That made me wait for something to happen.
You've built your characters well. It almost feels that I actually know Noelle even though I've read quite a short story about her. I didn't think this was too long. I think it was perfect length. You maybe had a bit too much information about her room and bathing and that, but in the other hand I believe that way I feel like I actually am there, and watch her get dressed.
I loved the idea of such a protective brother. I always expected him to save her, and that was great too.
Maybe you could have told a bit more about Dante, as now I had this feeling that I didn't really "care" about him so I couldn't exactly relate to the feeling of "losing" him.
Also, the plot was great. You did a good job writing about such a hard subject.
The ending which was kind of an open ending, that was desperate. It left me wanting for more.
Good job! (:
Xx Ninahx

*Comment Swap*
I've personally never been a fan of stories like this but I enjoyed reading this a lot. Like the comment below mine said, it was a bit of an overload of information, but then, when writing a one shot - it can be hard to avoid that.
There were minimal grammatical errors, which made for smooth reading - so praise for that!
The layout was a bit dark, it may just be my computer as I have a MacOSX it has a large screen so that may have affected hw I viewed it. But for me, the layout was a bit hard to read. Especially since it was fairly small writing. Other than that though, I think this was very well written.

Layout

I like the layout itself, but I feel the banner should be a tad smaller. But other than that it gave the story a nice touch.

Summary

It was a little long, like there was too much information. I think you would have put it in your authors note, but its fine the way it is.

Character Development

You build Noelle very well as a person and her brother. They were genuine people with real problems and thoughts. Same with the twins, they were minor characters but you made them nicely. As for Dante, I think you should have gone more in detail who he was as a person. Just a wee bit. But Bastian...it threw me completely off guard. The way you explained is character in the begining didn't match up. Even though Noelle said she couldn't figure out why he would rape her, everyone has a few subtle signs. Like maybe Bastian always seemed to stare at her or zone out. Little things like that.

Chapter One

One thing I have to say, Info Dumping is usually frowned upon. When I say Info Dumping I mean a paragraph that has so much unneeded infomation it's just overwhelms the reader. Each word should only progress the story as a whole. So dumping so much stuff will make readers so confused.

An example is like when you described Noelle's room. Giving so many detains is unrelated to the story itself. It's meaningless too, just to the story though. Also like when Noelle thinks about her brother, suddenly she thinks of her father. It's needed in the story to show how close they are, but that's Info Dumping, or however someone else describes it.

Now aside from that the story is beautifully written and flowed smoothly. There was bumps because of the dumping but the story was still good. I felt like the end was rushed, like really rushed. It felt like you just wanted it to end. I wanted more because its so odd to have someone just snap like that and rape someone. Maybe go into more detail why he did, more than jealousy and love. That's just my personal opinion.

However I didn't catch many errors. Which is good. I'm glad you commented with this story. It was a nice read and very well written. You can go very far, especially if you don't Info Dump so much.

Layout

It's very fitting for what I feel the story is going to be like! Very dark and ominous, and the DIY banner is a nice touch. It feels very original, just judging by the layout. So let's get this shit on the road!

Chapter one of one

The chapter began sad for me, which I know is what you were going for. I know (not looking at the summary) that by this opening paragraph it's going to be sad. She lost something, obviously, and there goes her dreams, too, so nice set up. I can feel kind of connected to how she feels, so it touched me. Just watch out for all the ellipsis — I know they were for effect, but it distracted me some.

The detailed descriptions of every bit of thing on her shelves and desk felt a bit unnecessary to me. It didn't really add to the story, you know? And the random interjection of her liking graffiti felt unnecessary, too. Though I like how you introduce the action with her liking to go to the parties, how she feels, who she's going with, and her distaste in her boyfriend not being able to go with her. It sets up a background for her and fleshes her out.

Also watch for tense issues (present tense, past tense, and such), because you tend to flip it around a lot. It started out with past tense, then went to present tense, etc. That can be kind of distracting for people who're reading and ruins the flow.

When she was dressing and said that she looked almost slutty it kind of put me off a bit, because you can't look like an action, y'know? The word slut really bothers me and brings the feminist out in me, anyway, but that's my own personal feeling about that. Her getting dressed and exactly what makeup she had on felt kind of list-like and unnecessary, too.

The description of the club was nice, though. I could really imagine everyone just going wild, and the two DJs doing their job, and such. It was a good set up to how the club was. The trip going there felt very fast, though, like you didn't want to establish any relationship between the main character and the twins or her brother.

I was all like oh shit! when she saw her brother! The set up to her seeing him felt rushed, though, and there weren't much descriptions of her emotions, aside from tears, when she rushed back to the bar towards her brother. I feel like you could've fleshed that moment out a bit more instead of speeding through it, yeah? [and when her brother caressed her cheek I felt some incest going on rofl]

...making out with that blonde slut. Once again, my feminist alarm is going wild.

The short background with her and her brother's relationship made up for his lack of introduction in the beginning of the story, so thanks for that! And her reasoning for not telling him was pretty realistic; I wouldn't want my brother and (ex)-boyfriend dueling it out on the dancefloor.

first love never lasts. Oh god, no! Poor baby — let me love you. :(

The interjection of Bastian's career life and how the main character and the twins want to be like him, too, in the future was really random, considering the fact that she was just going on about her cheating boyfriend? How she felt about Dante and Bastien and all was another nice clip of background information, though.

Her getting kidnapped was extremely sudden; I wish there was more action and her thoughts to lengthen it out a bit.

I didn't expect it to be Bastien, though! I like the build-up to her discovering it was him; that was nice. Very nice. Her being able to coherently ask him questions struck me as slightly odd, though; knowing creepy, possessive, shitheaded Bastien or not, I would expect her to be a little more incoherent than she was. Her thoughts about all his advances showed some realism to counter that, though.

Her suddenly trying to be nice to get out was smart, haha. I wouldn't have thought of that so quickly.

The rape was... of course... horrific. I don't want to say much about that, because of reasons, but her thoughts were realistic and very necessary.

The story ended a little abruptly and oddly, but it was nice overall. I'm just asking for more fleshing out of the characters, because with how little interaction, too little doing, and too much saying, I couldn't connect to the characters as well as I think I could've. I know who they were, but I wanted to feel it, too.

Thanks for giving me the chance to review this!

This comment is going to be ridiculously long, but here goes. I liked the description and there was a lot of emotion, but I do have some critiques... Boo hiss, I know, but here we go.

Little thing: in the beginning, when describing her love of dance, you say "be it tango, latin, rap or whatever..." Tango is the only actual specific form of dance of those examples. Latin (to my small knowledge of dance, mind you) includes tango and other styles, and rap is a type of music. Hip hop, maybe, or contemporary might be better examples. That's just a little thing though.

Also, watch your verb tenses, because you flip-flopped from past to present tense a bit. For example, "I wanted my boyfriend to be with me, too bad he can't." For one, there should be a semi colon after "me", and while "wanted" is past tense, you also used the conjunction for 'can not' which is present tense.

One last little thing, because I am so nit-picky, at the beginning of the club scene when you describe Ella and Felly, Ella's hair WAS shorter, IT almost reached her shoulders. Hair is a singular noun.

Also, I am going to second ninjabones' comment on the fact that you should probably not call Holland "Netherland." It's either Holland or the Netherlands. :/

To actually comment on the story itself, I realize that this is the first in a series of short stories, but to be honest, if you are going to call this a "short story" you need a little bit of closure at the end. I feel like that was more of a chapter than anything, because there wasn't really a plot climax AND resolution. You got the plot, got the climax (literally :P), but the end was almost the opposite of a resolution, with the strange new clothes and new place... lots of unanswered questions.

All in all, it was nicely written and very descriptive and shocking, I just feel that it isn't really a "short story" because it can't stand alone.

--Ash :)

well lets see... I feel there are some fundamental problems with Bastin's charecter, a little foreshadowing of is evil intentions in the club would make that scene seem more relavant as well as round out his charecter. the other problem i ave with him is that he talks to much, if your kidnapping someone and taking them across the ocean you would just do it, you wouldn't explain yourself before hand. also finally "the netherlands" is refered to as "Holland" no one says "netherland"

-Comment Swap-

This was a pleasure to read! The ability to capture such raw emotions and make a reader feel them is truly amazing and I feel you truly achieved that with this piece. I also liked the difference of mindsets between Noelle and Bastian which is very true to their ages. Altogether I think you did a great job especially from a dream! Keep up the great work!

Me-Dante, the result would be 1-0 and me-Bastian would be 2-0. That was totally realistic, damn woman. ;) If the next oneshots are like this, then your make me bleed series will be a huge sucess. <3 Well done, my friend. :D

Me-Dante, the result would be 1-0 and me-Bastian would be 2-0. That was totally realistic, damn woman. ;) If the next oneshots are like this, then your make me bleed series will be a huge sucess. <3 Well done, my friend. :D

This is truly a kick-ass piece of literature, right here. I swear I just wanted to kick Dante's ass, but Bastian deserved to have a stake shoved through his heart. What happened to Noelle was really gut-wrenching, and I really admire how you're able to create something so realistic. What's really terrifying in a Stephen King way, is that this CAN happen. Very good!

That was awesome. It was without doubt a good read. Even that guys planning was very well written. If you ever abducted me, you would have done a well damn job. :P Now I know your secret. Hehe.

That was awesome. It was without doubt a good read. Even that guys planning was very well written. If you ever abducted me, you would have done a well damn job. :P Now I know your secret. Hehe.

I'm here due to Comment Swap (:

I really liked this. The description was vulgar at times, but you did put a warning in the summary, so it's expected. I think this could cut ally go places. The story is really interesting. Maybe make it a two-shot? (:

-comment swap-

Firstly, you need to edit your layout a little bit. The text should be a little bigger, and have better contrast with the background. It makes for an easier read.

Never begin paragraphs with "and" or "but". Grammatically, it's incorrect. Also, I found that you used "..." a little too much. However, for the most part, your spelling and grammar are alright.

The story itself was quite eery and unsettling. Some of your descriptions were quite vivid, which made it seem much more believable, but in a irksome way. (which is likely what you're going for) All and all, I think you're off to a good start.

-Joe

Omg... I loved this! I felt like punching her exboyfriend in the face when he cheated and couldn't calm my heart when she was kidnapped. This is an amazing story

I couldn't stop reading once I started. Just everything about it held my interest. Even in just a one-shot, you managed to convey a LOT about the characters and their relationships with each other. Great start to something more, a great prequel, if you will. I was devastated for Noelle; everything went wrong at once and obviously, she was the character we were meant to sympathize with the most. Bastion was crazy, simply put. Pretty brilliant, though, how he'd thought everything out, as frightening as that was. He did the same thing to her that he claimed Dante was going to do...he ruined her and hurt her and broke her heart. Great use of irony. I loved it!

Absolutely amazing story, so gripping and captivating, it makes me think, it throws me between the emotions and of both people, the anger and desperation of the crazed lover Bastion, but more so the feelings and pain and sadness of how unfair everything is that happens to Noelle.