July 24th, 2013 at 02:22pm
*Comment Swap*
I've personally never been a fan of stories like this but I enjoyed reading this a lot. Like the comment below mine said, it was a bit of an overload of information, but then, when writing a one shot - it can be hard to avoid that.
There were minimal grammatical errors, which made for smooth reading - so praise for that!
The layout was a bit dark, it may just be my computer as I have a MacOSX it has a large screen so that may have affected hw I viewed it. But for me, the layout was a bit hard to read. Especially since it was fairly small writing. Other than that though, I think this was very well written.
I think this story was absolutely great. First of all, I loved your title. It's mysterious, a bit dark and makes readers interested. Now, after reading your story the title is also very meaningful. It fits your story amazingly.
As for the first chapter, I think it was great. The way you told that her life would change like that, she'd lose everything, her dreams and her future. That made me wait for something to happen.
You've built your characters well. It almost feels that I actually know Noelle even though I've read quite a short story about her. I didn't think this was too long. I think it was perfect length. You maybe had a bit too much information about her room and bathing and that, but in the other hand I believe that way I feel like I actually am there, and watch her get dressed.
I loved the idea of such a protective brother. I always expected him to save her, and that was great too.
Maybe you could have told a bit more about Dante, as now I had this feeling that I didn't really "care" about him so I couldn't exactly relate to the feeling of "losing" him.
Also, the plot was great. You did a good job writing about such a hard subject.
The ending which was kind of an open ending, that was desperate. It left me wanting for more.
Good job! (:
Xx Ninahx