Hmm... Well, well, well... I like this. Especially the beginning. You have me a bit confused about which time it is set in, as some of the things you describe in the world which Simon's mother does not like seem more or less contemporary, whereas the mentioning of charts and lanterns makes me think that it is earlier. There's a few typos and a single place where you miss a word (I think it should be "time". it is in the beginning of a paragraph). As for the ending, the switch to where Valac comes in seemes a bit rushed. I know this is probably on purpose, but it breaks up the story. It's just a small thing, but I think you could make it a bit more fluent by breaking up the sentence and maybe even dividing the paragraph into two ("...he never got to finish his sentence. His head was torn from his neck. Valac had found a way to get in." New-paragraph-of-slaughter). And lastly, I personally think it would have been a nice twist if Simon had been too upset by what happened, to want to follow Valac. Perhaps with a double twist that went something like "'get away from me,"'Simon cried. Valac left the boy he loved. By the time Simon had calmed down enough it was too late. His love was gone for good." - maybe in a few more words ^^ But again, this is just a personal preference, and the "doubleness" of it is a way to make it work, if you want Simon to realise he is in love with Valac, no matter what. The only thing I will say about it which I believe is not purely a personal thing, is that I think Simon should be a little more upset, or he should not be sitting in a feutal position (he could just be sitting on the ground, wide-eyed or something). The feutal position suggests chok/trauma. I hope you'll take this for what it is - an attempt at some constructive criticism. Either way, I absolutely adore your plot! ~ Daimon
September 20th, 2012 at 03:57pm
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The Chains Between Us Hold Us Together
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I like this. Especially the beginning. You have me a bit confused about which time it is set in, as some of the things you describe in the world which Simon's mother does not like seem more or less contemporary, whereas the mentioning of charts and lanterns makes me think that it is earlier.
There's a few typos and a single place where you miss a word (I think it should be "time". it is in the beginning of a paragraph).
As for the ending, the switch to where Valac comes in seemes a bit rushed. I know this is probably on purpose, but it breaks up the story. It's just a small thing, but I think you could make it a bit more fluent by breaking up the sentence and maybe even dividing the paragraph into two ("...he never got to finish his sentence. His head was torn from his neck. Valac had found a way to get in." New-paragraph-of-slaughter).
And lastly, I personally think it would have been a nice twist if Simon had been too upset by what happened, to want to follow Valac. Perhaps with a double twist that went something like "'get away from me,"'Simon cried. Valac left the boy he loved. By the time Simon had calmed down enough it was too late. His love was gone for good." - maybe in a few more words ^^ But again, this is just a personal preference, and the "doubleness" of it is a way to make it work, if you want Simon to realise he is in love with Valac, no matter what.
The only thing I will say about it which I believe is not purely a personal thing, is that I think Simon should be a little more upset, or he should not be sitting in a feutal position (he could just be sitting on the ground, wide-eyed or something). The feutal position suggests chok/trauma.
I hope you'll take this for what it is - an attempt at some constructive criticism. Either way, I absolutely adore your plot!
~ Daimon