September 25th, 2012 at 05:24pm
I finally found a chance to write a comment here, so I'm going to give my piece of constructive criticism.
For starters, there are spelling and punctuation errors that need to be fixed.
In the summary alone, there are spelling errors like the names Annabell and Raymond are spelled differently. That's a small mistake that could be easily fixed. And then there are some punctuation errors like not putting a space after a sentence has ended and where another sentence has begun. I'll use the first sentence of the summary as an example; Annabell is a normal teen or so she thinks.She always knew she was different and unique from other girls but never did it occur to her that she was a wolf. It'd be best to have a space after the ending of the first sentence and the beginning of the next sentence.
Other punctuation errors would be not putting punctuation like a comma, period, exclamation point, question mark, etc., after someone has spoken. Also forgetting to finish quotation marks is a punctuation error.
I also noticed some run on sentences that could easily be fixed with commas or periods. An example of this would be one of the sentences in the first chapter like this one; This has never happened before I mean the dream was weird enough and to think it couldn’t get any worse. This sentence could fixed with putting a comma after the word before or just simply putting a period there and having two separate sentences. When just leaving it like that, it breaks up the flow of the sentence and sounds awkward. If you're ever having trouble with figuring out where to add punctuation, try reading the sentence out loud. And if it doesn't flow nicely, then try fixing it and adding punctuation or try rearranging the sentence differently.
Next, paragraphs really help. It's hard to read a story when there aren't paragraphs and it's just a big heap of text.
Also, I'd tried to avoid using asterisks to show that it's a noise. I think it would be better to actually try to describe the noise in an actual sentence.
This comment isn't all constructive criticism. I did like some of the words and sentences you chose to describe some of the scenes. For example, in the first paragraph of the first chapter, I liked the line, The moon was swallowed up by the dark, menacing clouds which covered the earth. That sentence is good, while some other sentences need a little tweaking.
I understand that this is your first story, so of course everything wouldn't be perfect and there are bound to be mistakes. That's why there's constructive criticism so you can improve. I'll be honest when I say my first story had a lot of errors. And when my mistakes were pointed out to me, it helped me to become better at writing. Of course, I still make mistakes though. =T
These writing guidelines go into more depth as to what I'm talking about and you should check it out if you have any trouble or need any help with your writing. =]
I hope this long comment doesn't discourage you and instead helps you to improve. This story could have potential. =)
Thanks and I will be checking the writing guidelines