September 25th, 2012 at 04:10am
Hello! I was rather excited when I clicked on this story, because I really love stories written as letters to someone, but there isn't very many floating around. I love how you just have the letters, and not random narrative between or anything, because it makes everything more mystrious and realistic. That being said, I think you could elaborate on some things a little more, like how their relationship was and what not. It would let us get to know the character better without having awkward descriptive sentences added to the letters.
There were a couple things I found:
because then this won't hurt so much.
"Won't" should be "wouldn't", because of the context of the sentence.
despite how hurt I've been over the last few months and weeks.
Having months AND weeks in there made the sentence seem a little awkward. Since the word months is already in that sentence, I think if you took out the second "months" and just left "weeks" it would make the sentence sound a little better.
Anyways, I'm glad I found and read your story. Good luck with the rest of it! :)
Thank you :D don't worry, I think I'm going to elaborate more as the letters go on, but the way I'm writing it's supposed to be as if she's writing a letter that only her ex will see, and that means that it's very much in-the-moment.
I wrote it as 'won't' because she's thinking about wanting the pain to end now, even though she's thinking about her future, she can't imagine being in pain like this forever, and she wants it over ASAP.
The months and weeks sentence is important to me. I know it doesn't necessarily sound normal, but there is a reason for the repetition of the word. The first half of the sentence is concerned with her wanting to get back together eventually, and the second half was trying to emphasise how difficult and painful their relationship got as it deteriorated. I was just trying to bring both the character and the reader up to a present point in time.
Thank you for the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
x