I have to say this is eye-catching and I very much like it. The short description is great, I just wish you had written a summary to build onto it. When you say, I hope this turned out okay. in a summary, it doesn't say you're very confident in your piece and I don't know why you wouldn't be. It's certainly not an awful story by any means so don't doubt it. You should be proud of what you've written.
the rain coming down from above almost as if it were a weeping mother.
Besides a missing comma, I'm not sure why this simile is bothersome to me. I've never heard rain compared to a weeping mother, which is a very interesting comparison truthfully. I think it might be better rephrased to say the sky is like a weeping mother, making the rain her tears, instead of the way it reads now as if the rain were coming down like a weeping mother, which has an entirely different connotation.
I'm slightly tempted to call you out on the rain at the funeral cliche. I myself come from a place notorious for rainy, miserable weather, so I know it's not an unlikely scenario. The rain isn't necessarily cliche, it's they way in which you describe the rain as if the sky is crying for the deceased that is. It's a really easy one to want to use to emphasise the sadness and despair in the atmosphere around the procession. I think you could have come up with something that really stands out as unique like the weeping mother simile.
hoped and prayed to whatever God was listening that they were safe.
God is a proper noun, so if you're referring to whichever god might be listening and not one specifically called God, it wouldn't be capitalised.
both sober as can be and both alerted.
I believe this is a minor error and it should just be alert instead of alerted.
It was almost as if he was trying to make it seem okay the way they died
I wouldn't necessarily think trying to make it okay is the best word choice. Trying to make it easier to swallow maybe? Like there definitely is some consolation in knowing your loved one didn't have to suffer a long, painful death. If they're going to die, you want them to go as easily for them as possible. It's not much, but it's what he can offer, the knowledge that in the case of this horrible tragedy, they didn't endure all the pain. In the case of a young people losing their parents, surely he'd be very sympathetic towards them. It feels like she finds him to be patronising when he's trying to be sensitive.
I want to say this reads like a speech. Like she is giving a talk about the life shattering consequences of drink driving, like we all get in school and driver's ed. I could see it actually having happened and she is telling it to people, kind of like one of those the real victims of drink driving campaigns that used to go around. It was realistic in that sense.
I really like that you chose to write about dealing with the death of one's parents, considering there's a huge lack of parental acknowledgement in stories on Mibba, so it was very refreshing, not only to see parents mentioned, but the difficulties of dealing with the loss of them that young. From my friends that have sadly lost one of their parents, I know that they feel like they have a lost a part of themselves as well, which I think you managed to capture well with her extreme reaction and not wanting to let go of them.
I also adore that Alan is keeping it together while she falls apart because he has to. He is what she has now so he has to step into that supportive role that her parents would normally fulfil. I get the feeling he has to sort of take over that parental position in her life, or that's the impression the line, He carried me like my parents did when they brought me home from the hospital. gives me. Despite being young himself, he realises she needs someone to care for her and he's going to do that.
There were quite a few instances going through where I noted missing commas and some grammatical errors. Other than that though, it's definitely an emotional piece that would make people cry, and you did a very good job with that. I like that you thought about what it would have been like to lose your own parents and used that emotion to fuel your writing. It's wonderful that you put yourself in that situation to come up with something really heartbreaking and I think it paid off.
I have to say this is eye-catching and I very much like it. The short description is great, I just wish you had written a summary to build onto it. When you say, I hope this turned out okay. in a summary, it doesn't say you're very confident in your piece and I don't know why you wouldn't be. It's certainly not an awful story by any means so don't doubt it. You should be proud of what you've written.
the rain coming down from above almost as if it were a weeping mother.
Besides a missing comma, I'm not sure why this simile is bothersome to me. I've never heard rain compared to a weeping mother, which is a very interesting comparison truthfully. I think it might be better rephrased to say the sky is like a weeping mother, making the rain her tears, instead of the way it reads now as if the rain were coming down like a weeping mother, which has an entirely different connotation.
I'm slightly tempted to call you out on the rain at the funeral cliche. I myself come from a place notorious for rainy, miserable weather, so I know it's not an unlikely scenario. The rain isn't necessarily cliche, it's they way in which you describe the rain as if the sky is crying for the deceased that is. It's a really easy one to want to use to emphasise the sadness and despair in the atmosphere around the procession. I think you could have come up with something that really stands out as unique like the weeping mother simile.
hoped and prayed to whatever God was listening that they were safe.
God is a proper noun, so if you're referring to whichever god might be listening and not one specifically called God, it wouldn't be capitalised.
both sober as can be and both alerted.
I believe this is a minor error and it should just be alert instead of alerted.
It was almost as if he was trying to make it seem okay the way they died
I wouldn't necessarily think trying to make it okay is the best word choice. Trying to make it easier to swallow maybe? Like there definitely is some consolation in knowing your loved one didn't have to suffer a long, painful death. If they're going to die, you want them to go as easily for them as possible. It's not much, but it's what he can offer, the knowledge that in the case of this horrible tragedy, they didn't endure all the pain. In the case of a young people losing their parents, surely he'd be very sympathetic towards them. It feels like she finds him to be patronising when he's trying to be sensitive.
I want to say this reads like a speech. Like she is giving a talk about the life shattering consequences of drink driving, like we all get in school and driver's ed. I could see it actually having happened and she is telling it to people, kind of like one of those the real victims of drink driving campaigns that used to go around. It was realistic in that sense.
I really like that you chose to write about dealing with the death of one's parents, considering there's a huge lack of parental acknowledgement in stories on Mibba, so it was very refreshing, not only to see parents mentioned, but the difficulties of dealing with the loss of them that young. From my friends that have sadly lost one of their parents, I know that they feel like they have a lost a part of themselves as well, which I think you managed to capture well with her extreme reaction and not wanting to let go of them.
I also adore that Alan is keeping it together while she falls apart because he has to. He is what she has now so he has to step into that supportive role that her parents would normally fulfil. I get the feeling he has to sort of take over that parental position in her life, or that's the impression the line, He carried me like my parents did when they brought me home from the hospital. gives me. Despite being young himself, he realises she needs someone to care for her and he's going to do that.
There were quite a few instances going through where I noted missing commas and some grammatical errors. Other than that though, it's definitely an emotional piece that would make people cry, and you did a very good job with that. I like that you thought about what it would have been like to lose your own parents and used that emotion to fuel your writing. It's wonderful that you put yourself in that situation to come up with something really heartbreaking and I think it paid off.
Thanks for entering this in my contest. :)